On Saturday at 2:30pm Eastern Time, Internazionale Milan and Bayern Munich will meet for the UEFA Champions League title. Due to some strange anomaly the match will actually get broadcast on basic television in the United States. Will anyone in America be watching? It's hard to say. But just in case there are a few soccer newbies tuning in, we thought we'd offer up a nice little desk reference to make the match easier to understand. Because if all 10 people who read this blog tuned in, Fox's ratings would probably double.

THE TEAMS

Bayern Munich - Qualified for this Champions League by finishing 2nd in the Bundesliga in 2008-09. Currently the 2009-10 German champs. Winners of the 2009-10 German Cup. 4-time winners of the Champions League (1974, 1975, 1976, 2001).

Internazionale - (Inter Milan or Inter) Qualified for this Champions League by winning Serie A in 2008-09. Currently the 2009-10 Italian champs and winners of the 2009-10 Italian Cup. 2-time winners of the Champions League (1964, 1965). Defeated defending UEFA Champions League title-holders Barcelona in the semifinals.

THE HOME LEAGUES

Bundesliga - The German League. Efficient, technical, and productive. Just what we'd expect from the country that brought us Mercedes and BMW.  Rated the top league in Europe for most of the mid 1970's through late 80's.

Serie A - The Italian League. Possibly the most corrupt league in all of world sports. In comparison to its last decade alone, Pete Rose, the Black Sox, and Tim Donaghy look as clean as Tim Tebow.  Rated the top league in Europe for most of the late 80's through 2000.


THE COACHES

Jose Mourinho - ("The Special One", "The Translator") Internazionale's manager. Probably the best coach in Europe not named Sir Alex Ferguson. Won the Champions League with FC Porto in 2004 the season after winning the UEFA Cup (Europa League). Led Chelsea to their first Premiere League crown in over 50 years. Missed completing The Treble with FC Porto in 2004 when they lost in the Portuguese Cup final. Now has chance to clinch it with Inter. In just his eighth full season of coaching he's looking for his 17th trophy, which he'll use as leverage to gain the Real Madrid job. (In comparison, Alex Ferguson has 45 trophies in 36 full club seasons)

Louis van Gaal - Bayern Munich's manager. Much like his counterpart, Mourinho, he has previously won both Champions League and Europe League titles with a different team (Ajax). Unlike his counterpart, he wants to stay with his current club next season. By winning the final, he'd clinch his 20^th trophy in 17 seasons.

THE STAKES

Treble - A rare accomplishment where a team wins it's national league, top national tournament, and the continental champions league in the same season. Only been achieved in Europe 5 times: Ajax, Manchester United, Barcelona, PSV Eindhoven and Celtic. Regardless of whether Bayern Munich or Inter Milan wins, a Treble will be accomplished.

UEFA Champions League – Tournament for the best clubs in Europe that runs from July-May. Teams qualify based on their national league placement the previous season, and the coefficient rank of that national league. Runs concurrently with most European Leagues, therefore successful teams must generally be among the deepest and richest on the continent. Features 4 qualifying rounds with staggered entry. The remaining 10 teams from qualifying enter a group stage with 22 pre-qualified teams. 8 groups of 4 engage in round-robin tournaments with the top two teams of each group advancing. The final 16 clubs are bracketed and continue through 3 home-away knock-out rounds until 2 teams are left. The final is one match at a predetermined location, this year at the San Siro in Madrid.

#3 Rank in European Coefficient – The coefficient ranking determines how many teams each league gets to send to the Champions and Europa Leagues. The ranking is based on how successful the teams from each league are in either tournament. The top 3 leagues get 4 Champions League spots and 3 Europa League spots. At the beginning of this year Italy was #3. But if Bayern wins the final, Germany will swap spots with them and send 4 teams to the Champions League in 2011-12.

THE PLAYERS AND STORYLINES

Best Right-back in Soccer – Phillip Lahm of Bayern and Maicon of Inter could both make the claim. Will this match settle any dispute? Probably not, but it could add fuel to the fire.

Franck Ribery - One of the top 10-15 players in the world. A French international who stars for Bayern Munich and is sought after by Real Madrid. Sadly he is banned from the final due to a three game suspension for going over-the-top on a tackle against a Lyon player. He is also embroiled in a scandal involving a 15-year old prostitute. And for good measure, he wouldn't be playing in the World Cup except for a bogus handball that allowed France to defeat Ireland.

Real Madrid Outcasts - Arjen Robben and Wesley Sneijder were sold from Real last off-season because Florentino Perez believed that they couldn't help Los Blancos advance past the 1st knock-out stage of The Champions League. Needless to say, both will be playing in the final: Robben for Bayern and Sneijder for Inter. Coincidentally, the final will be played in Madrid. Whomever wins, Real Madrid loses.

Samuel Eto'o – Internazionale striker who's trying to become only the fourth player in European history to win back to back Champions League titles while playing for different teams. Last season this feat was accomplished by his former Barcelona teammate Gerard Pique.

THE WORLD CUP OUTLOOK

Argentinian National Team – Martin Demichelis should be starting for Bayern Munich and will be at the World Cup. Defenders Javier Zanetti and Walter Samuel will be starting for Inter in addition to forward Diego Milito and midfielder Esteban Cambiasso. Samuel and Milito will represent Argentina at the World Cup. Zanetti and Cambiasso should be, but their national coach was busy doing lines and strippers.

Brazilian National Team – Internazionale goalie Julio Cesar, and defenders Lucio and Maicon will be starting in the final, and for Brazil in the World Cup. Thiago Motta may also be starting in midfield for Inter, but was left off the World Cup roster.

Diego Maradona – Argentina's national team manager. One of the greatest soccer players of all time. Possibly one of the worst managers of all time. (see Isiah Thomas, Michael Jordan) Most famous for the "Hand of God" and doing truckloads of cocaine. Left Inter Milan stars Javier Zanetti and Esteban Cambiasso off of his World Cup roster. Will most likely murder Argentina's chances in South Africa despite having the best player in the world, Lionel Messi, at his disposal.

Dutch National Team - Arjen Robben and Mark Van Bommel play for Bayern Munich. Wesley Sneijder plays for Inter.

German National Team - Prominently featured on Bayern Munich. Phillip Lahm, Miroslav Klose, Mario Gomez, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Hans-Jorg Butt, Holger Badstuber and Thomas Muller all made the preliminary World Cup roster for their country.

Top 10 Players To Watch For Who Will Be In The World Cup

1. Samuel Eto'o- Forward: Inter, Cameroon
    Scored 16 times in all competitions for Inter this season. Owns 44 goals with his national team.

2. Julio Cesar- Goalie: Inter, Brazil
    Only gave up 42 goals in 50 matches this season for Inter. Has 47 caps for Brazil.

3. Arjen Robben- Midfield: Bayern, Netherlands
    Bayern's leading scorer in all competitions this season. Has 11 goals for national team.

4. Wesley Sneijder- Midfield: Inter, Netherlands
    Started 36 games for Inter this year. Has 12 goals for national team.

5. Phillip Lahm- Defender: Bayern, Germany
    Leads Bayern with 52 appearances this season. Been capped 64 times by his national squad.

6. Lucio- Defender: Inter, Brazil
    Started 46 games for Inter this season. Has 89 appearances for Brazil national team.

7. Maicon- Defender: Inter, Brazil
    Started 47 games for Inter this season. Has 55 appearances for Brazil.

8. Diego Milito- Forward: Inter, Argentina
    Scored 25 goals in all competitions this season.

9. Thomas Muller- Forward: Bayern, Germany
    Scored 19 goals in all competitions this season.

10. Mario Gomez- Forward: Bayern, Germany
    Scored 14 goals in all competitions this season. Has scored 14 times for German national team.

Top 5 Players To Watch For NOT In The World Cup

1. Ivica Olic- Forward: Bayern, Croatia
    Tied for 2^nd in Champions League with 7 goals this season.

2. Patrick Viera- Midfield: Inter, France
    If he makes it onto the pitch he may be the most decorated player there. Helped France win 1998 World Cup and 
    98-01 International Treble. Won 16 club trophies in England and Italy.

3. Daniel Van Buyten- Defender: Bayern, Belgium
    Sturdy centerback with 47 appearances for Bayern this season.

4. Javier Zanetti- Defender: Inter, Argentina
    Leads Internazionale in appearances this season with 51.

5. Esteban Cambiasso- Midfield: Inter, Argentina
    Has won 15 club trophies in 8 seasons. Started 37 matches for Inter this season. Never been called up during Diego
    Maradona's reign as national coach.

 

RANT, ONE LONG EXTENDED RANT

Cardinals can't hit, so who's their hitting coach?

The St. Louis Cardinals are in a funk.  A team with a former batting champ and the greatest hitter of his generation can't produce runs.  They've been relying on excellent pitching, but there's only so long that Jaime Garcia and Brad Penny will be able to post ERA's under 2.00.  For now they've been lucky.  But it's early May and there's a long season ahead.  A long freakin season.

So why are the defending central division champs struggling to score runs despite returning seven starters from last year's team?  Is it the new 3rd baseman?  Well, David Freese is hovering above .300, and that's significantly better than one-armed Mark DeRosa.  Could a second year player be struggling while coming to terms with more playing time, perhaps Colby Rasmus?  He's got 7 homeruns already.  What else has changed?  

No one in the press seems to be acknowledging it, but perhaps new hitting coach Mark McGwire is the problem.  In fact, let's not even pretend like there's any other possibility.  Albert Pujols has struck out more times per AB than any other time in his career.  Brendan Ryan and Skip Schumaker, two hitters most in need of coaching, couldn't hit Kristie Alley with a 6 foot Twinkie.  And Yadier Molina is following up an All-Star season by doing his best impersonation of his brother Jose.

Everyone knew that McGwire would bring questions about his past with him.  However, the distractions created by media attention have largely subsided.  Perhaps McGwire's history is causing a crisis of leadership confidence in the clubhouse.  Tony LaRussa is one of the greatest managers in baseball history, and the greatest manager in Cardinals history (yep it's right there, take it for what it's worth).  But he clearly brought his old friend in to help revitalize McGwire's tarnished reputation.  McGwire was not a great hitter in the big leagues.  He was a bomber, and his approach helped him, with some help, to sock over 500 dingers.  But not every hitter in the Cardinals lineup needs to be focusing on power.  A hitting coach needs to be able to get the best out of every player, regardless of whether their strength is in power or contact. 

But Let's Not Just Bash McGwire Totally...

Just because a guy may not be a suitable hitting coach doesn't mean the whole city of St. Louis should shit on him.  The fairweather politicians who decided to remove Mark McGwire's name from a section of Interstate 70 should be looking in the mirror.  Changing the name from "Mark McGwire Highway" to "Mark Twain Highway" seems a tad rash.  Are they saving money by only buying half of a sign?  Twain deserves recognition, but a section of highway is probably a little trite considering his contributions to the American literary canon.

There may be doubts about the honesty of Mark McGwire's work during his playing days.  But there's no way to take away the memories he gave Cardinals fans.  The details of that era of Major League Baseball will never be fully understood.  And there's no doubt some shenanigans were taking place.  But the games counted.  They're in the books.  And McGwire played the game as well as anyone else in that era.  Besides, what right do politicians have to reprimand someone for lying and cheating?

Speaking of People on Their High Horses...

Where are the national columnists who spent the last decade raking in cash by denouncing baseball's PED offenders?  Did they cash out and retire to the Bahamas.  Because no one seems to have a problem with an NFL player getting an award despite testing positive for a masking agent.  In fact the Associated Press felt it was necessary to remove the award, then revote with the offenders name still on the ballot, then give the award back to him.  

The NFL has had three former Rookie of the Years: Shawn Merriman, Julius Peppers, and now Brian Cushing, test positive for steroids in the last decade.  No one is taking away their highways.  No one is calling them before Congress.  No one is writing books on the intimate details of their injection routines.  No one is crying about the children.  And I ask you, what about the children?  Do they only care about baseball.  Or were the children metaphorical representations created by collective sports writer nostalgia?

It's been less than 48 hours since an officer of the Philly police department got “illidelphia electronic” on a trespassing fan at Citizen's Bank Park. Every sports radio station, television station , and chat room has leveed their opinion on the shocking development. And most of them, as should be expected, agreed: “Good Job Officer”.

There may be some yahoo's out there, like this idiot who writes for Yahoo , who think that it's possible for a police officer to know the motives of any suspect by looking into their eyes. When in fact the reality is: there was a person who was not supposed to be on the field, running toward famous public figures, in a crowded stadium, 24 hours after someone parked an explosive ridden car by a skyscraper 100 miles away. Pretty sure that a trained police officer will do two things: protect himself, protect the people who's safety he's charged with. Besides, as Shane Victorino so eloquently put it, "If he was on the street running from a cop, doesn't the cop have the right to Tase you because you're fleeing from the cops?"

So why is there even a question about excessive force? In fact, why were police not using tasers when a second moron jumped onto the field the following night? Did the public outcry from the televised tasing handicap the Philadelphia police department? Or just the PR director? We at SportyMcBloggin have no proof, but we think we can make up a good reason why the police officer's were not equipped with tasers the following night:

The first tasing was staged.

Yes, you heard it here first. SportyMcBloggin, breaking the big stories. Remember a few years back when our country was in a religious and military stand off with a desert nation that hated our ideals... well we still are. But a few years ago, our then president set the collective hearts and minds of our nation at ease by distracted us from the carnage abroad with ominous threats of gays marrying, legal abortions, and job stealing immigrants. Suddenly the world seemed smaller, we could focus on the problems in our backyard instead of worrying about the war abroad. It worked so well that our radical radio stations, religious leaders, and politicians are still arguing about gays, abortions, and immigrants.

Meanwhile our new president has encountered more problems. Financial crises, domestic terrorism influenced by foreign nut jobs, and large amounts of oil in the Gulf of Mexico. How could anyone possibly get all of those problems off of the front page of every paper in America?

We present you with a Sporty One-Act entitled:

Tasing Freedom or possibly The Bay of Tase

(Phillies fan Steve Consalvi sits in the stands at Citizens Bank Park, he is 17 years old. In the fall he will be headed to Penn State University. He's watching his favorite baseball team play in what could be an early preview of the NLCS. His phone rings.)

Consalvi- Hello?

Unknown Voice- Son.

Consalvi- Dad?

Unknown Voice- No son. This is not your father. This is Barrack Obama. President of the United States. America's father.

Consalvi- You're joking?

Obama- I don't have time for levity, do you know how freaking busy I am? I'm the president of the United States. All 50 of them for now. Until we sell Arizona back to Mexico. Anyway, I need an important favor from you. America needs your help.

Consalvi- But sir, I'm only 17 years old.

Obama- That's exactly why I picked you son. You're young and idealistic. You're headed to an east coast university. You have no idea how future loan debt and taxes will cripple your lifetime earnings. And most importantly you're at the Phillies game.

Consalvi- How do you know that ?

Obama- Son, my predecessor created an intelligence network that rivals the greatest fears of George Orwell. Do you know who George Orwell is son?

Consalvi- Yes sir. He wrote 1984.

Obama- Yeah, well he was a punk compared to George W Bush. Thanks to W, I know your ACT score, your shoe size, how many Facebook friends you have, and whether or not they really like you. You know that girl Becky from History class?

Consalvi- Yes?

Obama- I know she's down if you'd ever get the stones to go for it.

Consalvi- Down for what?

Obama- “Milledgeville Georgia Down” son. Do you want me to spell it out for you? Look I don't have time for your questions, there is oil spilling in the Gulf of Mexico. You planning on going on Spring Break when you're in college?

Consalvi- I don't know.

Obama- Well you won't have the option if that oil keeps spilling into the Gulf. BAM! Panama City? Closed, no college skankfest. BAM! Padre? Closed, no college skankfest. Havasu? Forget it, selling it to fucking Mexico.

Consalvi- Well how can I help?

Obama- There you go son. Ask not what your country can bail you out of, but what you can do to bail out your country. And we need a lot of bailing, buy a couple buckets when you get the chance. Steven, I need you to run out onto that field.

Consalvi- But why? Won't I get hurt.

Obama- Get hurt? Son, what does it matter? I'm Barrack Obama I invented healthcare. It's fucking free, go get you some.

Consalvi- But how will that help America?

Obama- Look, I don't want to get into too many details here, but it's going to be a distraction. I need you to buy me some time to figure out how I'm going to sell this oil in the Gulf business to the Republicans as an effective deterrent for Cuban immigrants, whilst still being able to convince the left that this environmental damage is the work of irresponsible corporate white-devils. And that's right, I said “whilst”, I went to fucking Harvard.

Consalvi- Do you think you could get me into Harvard?

Obama- I can do a lot of things. But I can't help a kid who won't help himself. And by “helping himself”, I mean “help me”.

Consalvi- All right, Mr. President, I'll do it. Can I call my Dad first? He's got a DVR.

Obama- No problem son. Just do us all a favor, go to the bathroom before you go run out there.

Consalvi- Why?

Obama- No reason.

(Consalvi hangs up the phone and then calls his father. We hear a conversation. The curtain falls. And a projector shows a movie over the curtain)

6 Reasons why this Champions League Final Will Be Memorable

1. No English or Spanish Teams

 

Spanish champion Barcelona dethroned Manchester United in last year's final, and Real Madrid holds the record for most UEFA Champions League trophies. But there are other world class teams and leagues in Europe.  And every once and a while it's beneficial, for the sake of the game, that they make their presence known.

 

Italy's Internazionale and Germany's Bayern Munich have both hoisted the Champions League trophy multiple times. However, they each enjoyed their greatest runs of success when the trophy was known as the European Cup. Now a vicotry for either will clinch the first Treble in their league's history. And two former Champions League winning managers will be overseeing the proceedings from the benches.

 

It is true that the English Premiere League and the Spanish La Liga are the top two leagues in the world. However, Germany's Bundesliga and Italy's Serie A are not far behind (we'll get to that later). It's been six years since the UEFA Champions League final has featured two teams that don't call England or Spain home. In 2004 Portugal's FC Porto defeated Monaco from France's Ligue 1. Coincidentally that FC Porto coach was.....

 

2. Jose Mourinho

 

If Jose Morinho was an American coach, he'd be an Armani sporting hybrid of Bill Parcelles and Tony LaRussa. The media hates him. His owners don't always love him. But his players win trophies. Multiple. Every season.

 

In two seasons at FC Porto he won back to back Portuguese titles and claimed the Europa League and Champions League trophies in succession. The following three seasons he spent in England with Chelsea, leading them them to their first Premiere League title in over 50 years. They repeated as champs, won 2 League Cups, and FA Cup and a Community Shield for good measure. With six trophies in hand he still managed to have a falling out with owner Roman Abromovich. And after a year off from coaching, Mouriho took over Inter Milan and guided them to a Serie A title and an Italian Super Cup.

 

Now he's claimed his second Italian league title with Inter, and he's looking to get his second Champions League title with as many teams. In another happenstance, one of his star players is looking to accomplish the same feat... in as many seasons....

 

3. Samuel Eto'o

 

Last year Eto'o's teammate, Gerard Pique, became the third player to win back-to-back Champions League titles while playing for different teams. This season the Cameroonian national is hoping to accomplish the same feat. After helping Barcelona win the Treble, Eto'o was shipped off to Italy in exchange for Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

 

In one of those “random” UEFA scheduling coincidences, Eto'o was forced to face off against his former team in this season's semifinals. Amazingly, Gerard Pique was also forced to best his former team in last year's tourney. Of course, players getting one over on their former team seems to be a theme of the Champions League. Especially considering....

 

4. The Real Madrid Factor

 

Last off-season Florentino Perez wrestled back control of Real Madrid. In doing so he pledged to bring back his “Galacticos” policy of purchasing the top stars in the world. Apparently only massive spending could help Los Blancos make it past the 1^st knockout stage of the Champions League.

 

Real Madrid spent over 200 million Euros on 5 world class players. But by bringing in new starters, they were forced to purge themselves of their “underachieving” incumbents. Two of their released players happen to be talented Dutch midfielders. They also happen to be considered two of the best soccer players in the world. Barring injury they will be featured in The Netherlands' starting World Cup lineup. And on May 22, they will be facing off against each other for the UEFA Champions League title.

 

Arjen Robben of Bayern Munich and Wesley Sneijder of Inter Milan have lifted their teams past the semifinal stage. To the finals, where Florentino Perez believed they couldn't carry Real Madrid. And 200 million Euros later, Robben and Sneijder's former team is wondering how they fell in the 1^st knockout round, again. But they aren't the only superstars on Munich or Inter...

 

5. World Class Talent Gearing Up For The Cup

 

If you wanted a match to gear you up for the World Cup, this is it. Eto'o, Robben and Sneijder aren't the only players who will be representing their countries come June.  Inter Milan features 60% of the starting Brazilian national team defense: backs Lucio, Maicon, and goalie Julio Cesar.  And although Javier Zanetti  was left off Argentina's roster because his national team coach has spent the last two decades sniffing the dust off of Tony Montana's desk, Diego Maradona still had the right mind to include Walter Samuel and Diego Milito on his roster.

 

Bayern is loaded with German stars.  Phillip Lahm may be the best right-back in the world.  Miroslav Klose has led Germany to second and third place finishes in past World Cups.  Bastian Schweinsteiger has almost as many caps as Klose.  And then there's goalie Hans-Jorg Butt, defender Holger Badstuber, and forward Mario Gomez who all got the preliminary call for the national side.   Hopefully that list of internationals can make up for missing frenchman Franck Ribery, who's been suspended for this unfortunate incident but not this unforgettable one.

 

6. The Battle For Coefficients

 

Many of the players in this final make there homes in other nations, but this final has significant stakes for their adopted countries.  Explaining the coefficient system properly would require an advanced statistics degree.  However, what's important to know is that the more teams from a country win in either the Champions League or Europa League, the higher that league's coefficient gets.  The higher the coefficient, the more teams that country gets to send to either competition.

 

The top 3 leagues in Europe get 4 spots in the Champions and 3 spots in Europa.  In the history of the coefficients, only four leagues owned the top spot in Europe: England, Spain, Italy, and Germany.  Currently, England and Spain are #1 and #2.  Italy has been in the top 3 since what seems like the invention of the sport. Germany is also no slouch, and owned the top spot for most of the late seventies and early eighties.  The winner of this final will hold the #3 ranking for 2011-12.

 

If that doesn't take this match up a notch, I don't know what else would.  This could get out of control.  And we'd all be the better for it.

 

After the Denver Broncos selected Tim Tebow in the 1st round of the NFL draft, the interwebs became filled with facts about the new NFL quarterback.  Yet many of these facts seem to be similar to those about a couple other legendary celebrities.  We at SportyMcBloggin thought we'd do our best research (editors note: aka making shit up) and come up with some previously unknown tidbits about Messr Tebow, that were exclusive to him. (editors note: once again, we made some stuff up)

Tim Tebow and Kurt Warner walked into a bar, their pious nature turned the bar immediately into a church... that church became the Vatican.

Edinson Volquez never took fertility drugs, he was impregnated by merely thinking about Tim Tebow. 

Hurricane Katrina didn't destroy the New Orleans levee, Tim Tebow sneezed Gatorade at a Florida practice.

Many scientists are blaming the recent rash of world earthquakes on unusual plate movements.  But NFL scouts have realized that the devastation occurred only during Tim Tebow's team workouts for draft evaluations

Many scouts complain about Tim Tebow's throwing mechanics, unaware of how successful those mechanics were when Tebow slayed Goliath.

Tim Tebow wrote all 98 episodes of "The A-Team"

Tim Tebow keeps The Rolling Stones alive using a hyperbaric chamber and frequent injections of his DNA because, he "really digs 'Start Me Up'"

Tim Tebow is so grateful to his savior Jesus Christ that he thanked him byusing a self-made time machine to travel back two-thousand years and invent Myrrh.

Also of note, Tim Tebow can time travel in a Delorian at only 47 miles-per hour.

Tim Tebow won the Daytona 500 without turning left.

Tim Tebow wrote The Da Vinci Code because his pal Jesus "really loves a good joke"

Chuck Norris may not shed tears, but Tim Tebow does.  Tears of love... the love of separating a defender's torso from his legs.

Tim Tebow killed Tony Soprano but David Chase couldn't afford the licensing rights to Tebow's image... so he cut to black

Tim Tebow already knows who's going to win the World Cup

According the rules included with the game, Tim Tebow gets $300 for passing GO in Monopoly

Tim Tebow destroyed all of the 7 Wonders of the Ancient World except, of course, the Pyramids.  He really admires the work of the Jews.

Tim Tebow can beat Contra without using the "Konami Code"

Tim Tebow handmade all of the claymation for "Clash of the Titans".  Not the original, the remake. 

Tim Tebow's really fucking good at claymation.

Tim Tebow helped paint the roof of the Sistine Chapel with his friend Michelangelo... not the painter, the ninja turtle

Tim Tebow can return sight to the blind and hearing to the deaf.  He just doesn't feel like doing it.

Tim Tebow killed Archduke Ferdinand with an errant pass in 1914.  He's really sorry for everything that happened afterward.

Tim Tebow's favorite flavor of Gatorade is Red.  Not Fruit Punch.  Just Red.

Like other babies Tim Tebow messed his diaper.  Unlike other babies, the contents of his soiled diapers were the scripts for Police Academy movies 3-6

Tim Tebow won the 1994 World Series.  Major League Baseball is just in denial.

Twenty years ago Tim Tebow planted a sapling next to Tiger Woods' driveway.

Tim Tebow always wins on his first guess while playing Clue.  He's not psychic, he just has an "inside guy"

Tim Tebow likes his chicken wings to be dipped into a gravy sauce... not much to say about that really.  Dude just likes gravy.

Tim Tebow knows what happened in that bathroom in Millersville, Georgia.

Tim Tebow always uses the Houston Astros when he plays "RBI Baseball".  His record is 3267-0

Tim Tebow believes that when he closes his eyes he becomes invisible.  Funny thing is, he's right.

When "Charles in Charge" was canceled, Scott Baio left Tim Tebow in charge... of our days... and our nights

Tim Tebow is a vegetarian.  Just kidding, he's eaten one of every animal species on Earth, including man.  He says "it's not as good as you'd think"

Tim Tebow disapproves of The Brady Bunch's lifestyle...  And also "jazz hands".  Tim Tebow fucking hates "jazz hands"

Some people kneel down to pray.  Tim Tebow straps a note containing his hopes and dreams to a football and tells God to "go long"

Tim Tebow farts new car smell

February 3, 2010-  U.S. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood declares that recalled Toyotas are unsafe to drive, presumably at any speed.  Is Mr. LaHood merely concerned for the safety of millions of American citizens?  Or is he using his position of power to condemn Japanese run Toyota, the chief competitor to the newly government owned General Motors?  Transportation Secretary is a storied cabinet position created during the turbulent sixties while the streets of America were congested with Vietnam War protesters, civil rights marchers, and exploding Corvairs.  It has been occupied by such great American leaders as Elizabeth Dole, Neil Goldschmidt and Brock Adams. At the moment of his harsh words about Toyota, and the implication of poor Japanese craftsmanship, Ray LaHood stood a mere fourteen untimely deaths from becoming President of the United States of America and CEO of General Motors.

February 16, 2010- The Winter Olympic games had sour beginnings due to the death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili prior to the opening ceremonies.  There were further disturbances in the Vancouver and Whistler vicinities as demonstrators picketed against the destruction of the environment, the criminalization of the homeless, and the rising government debt incurred by hosting the games.  Americans peeking over the boarder were awestruck by how the polar political opposite Canadian protesters managed to get along without hitting each other over the heads with their placards.  Four days into the games, representatives of the U.S. and Japanese women's teams are set to do battle with the pride of two world powers at stake. Although curling is dissimilar to most American games, its tense matches can be reminiscent of the Ice Bowl, played on the frozen tundra of Lambeau field. The sport may in fact have been created by a drunk who'd been struggling to recreate the fun he'd enjoyed at a neighborhood pub the prior night.  From the depths of his faded memories he was able to discern a long surface with a sliding puck similar to shuffleboard, a scoring target resembling a dart board, a dangerous slippery surface, and some brooms. 


        Curling: You've come a long way baby

Summer 1936- The United States considered boycotting the Olympic Games in Berlin due to the recent uprising of Nazis in the German government. The prejudicial nature of that ilk was not something the free west wanted to taint their Olympic spirit.  Not to mention the dangers of possible Nazi zombie outbreaks which had been rumored to have occurred in the surrounding communities.  The United States justifies it's presence in the games by declaring publicly that the Olympics are not about politics.  However, they subversively challenge Germany's Aryan superiority complex by tasking African-American super spy Jesse Owens with undermining the Nazi political structure.  Owens uses his superhuman speed to instill doubt in the minds of his Aryan opponents and claims four gold medals.  Despite his glorious effort saving democracy and mocking fascism, the American government is forced to disassociate itself from Owens in order to maintain its stance separating politics from the games.  Owens has his amateur athletic status revoked and is never publicly thanked for his outstanding service by  Presidents Roosevelt or Truman.

February16, 2010-  U.S. Skipper Debbie McCormick knows there's a thin line between the highstakes world of curling and international espionage.  She led America to a World Championship in 2003 and was a member of the 1998 and 2002 Olympic squads.  There are substantial political overtones to this draw thanks to the recent Toyota recall, and the government understands the consequences of showing up second best to Japan in any event. Especially in a Canadian favorite like Curling.  Any sign of weakness witnessed by the United States' neighbor to the north may undermine the positive strides made by NAFTA, Steve Nash, and The Arcade Fire towards improving Amero-Canuck relations.  That fear is exactly the reason why McCormick, a natural born Canadian, was recruited by the C.I.A. to skipper the women's Olympic curling team in 2010. With her guidance and the hammer, America takes a 1 point lead after the 1st end.

December 7, 1941-  The Empire of Japan, with the help of Michael Bay,attacks Pearl Harbor in an attempt to kill Ben Affleck.  Tragically over 2,300 Americans are killed; none named Ben Affleck.  This devastating moment launches the U.S. into the Pacific arena of World War II.  The power of the mighty American military benefits the Allies, Hollywood, and the career of John Wayne.  However, a further toll is taken 60 years later when 20 million Americans are forced, via subliminal Disney advertisements, to watch a 3 hour, historically inaccurate Michael Bay film {sic- redundant} about the incident... starring Ben Affleck.

February 16, 2010- Japanese skipper Moe Meguro appeared in her first Olympics at the age of 21. At 23 she led her team to Japan's finest curling showing, a 4th place finish in the 2008 World Championships.  Now a feisty veteran of 25, she must rise to the occasion as her nation has fallen behind the Americans 3-0, after the hammerless U.S. squad steals 2 points in the 2nd end. 

November 19, 2006-  Japan's Nintendo Co. Ltd. releases the Wii as their seventh generation console to compete with Microsoft's XBOX 360. Thanks to a creative control scheme and a interesting appeal to children on snow days, the Wii promptly becomes the defining and best selling console of it's era.  American owned Microsoft justifies its defeat by lowering prices and assuages their shareholders by declaring they're defeating their true Japanese competitor, Sony.  In the meantime they spend millions developing a new control scheme for their console to rival the Wii.  Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata spends his days shoveling American dollars into his pockets. {Before converting the dollars into something more stable like gold or shares of Apple stock}


February 16, 2010- The Japanese curling squad represents the ideals their country is known for.  They are smaller and more efficient than the larger American models.  But unlike their older American counterparts, the slimmer Japanese curlers have never posed for a semi-nude "Women of Curling" calendar shoot. Clearly the time has come to recognize the many qualities of Far Eastern curling.  Using a cunning strategy, like their native corporation Nintendo, the Japanese wait for their American opponent to show its cards before unleashing a play that changes the game.  Down 4-1 entering the 5th end, Japan hammer the Americans' granite and place 3 rocks within the circles.  Match tied 4-4.


                 Wasn't joking about this

February 22, 1980- The Cold War that resulted from the remnants of World War II had many battles: The Korean War, The Vietnam War, The Cuban Missile Crisis, The Space Race, Balboa vs Drago, and The Bay of Pigs  But on this day the battle between the free west and communist east came to a head on the ice of Lake Placid, NY. Just like in the Nazi games of 1936, the 1980 Winter Olympics were a embodiment of the political rivals of the age.  It was common knowledge in America that the communist athletes were trained to win medals from conception.  The Soviet Union owned the sport of Olympic Ice Hockey, including a 10-3 victory over the U.S. in exhibition two weeks prior.  However on this day the Reds would fall, like Ivan Drago, at the hands of Kurt Russell and the Americans.  The resulting victory propels American national spirit to an all time high.  In the coming years President Ronald Reagan would commission his friends in Hollywood to make educational films about the Soviet threat: Red Dawn, Footloose; and inspirational films designed to instruct American citizens on how to defeat the commies: Rocky IV, Dirty Dancing {The original promotional tag-line: "You don't put Lady Liberty in a corner" was dropped in pre-production}.

February 16, 2010- In each of the next rounds the team holding the hammer scores multiple points. The Americans dominate end 6, but Japan strikes back with three points in end 7 and are now up by one.  Japan is the only fully funded curling team in the Winter Olympics.  Does that mean they are forced to live in the dorms at the national training center like the communist Chinese figure skaters?  We don't know for certain. {But if we had to speculate... yes}  These far eastern curlers could be the last remnants of a sporting culture the free west thought it had defeated.  American curlers curl because they enjoy the right to curl at their leisure. They are free to have family lives and willingly join the labor force to contribute to their nation's economic prosperity.  They curl because they have a sense of duty to their country, not because they were drafted into advanced curling development centers due to the random draw of a government lottery. 

June 25, 1945- Robert Shaw; shark hunter, Bond-villain, and captain of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, delivers an atomic bomb to the Tuskegee Airmen piloting the Memphis Belle.  After the use of the nuclear weapon, the cities of Japan are besieged by overgrown mutants.  Luckily two children are able to assist the government in creating a strategic defensive alliance with Godzilla and Gamera.  The large reptiles provide assistance to humanity by fending off further threats by mutated insects and various rubbery creatures.  After decades of constantly rebuilding their shattered communities the Japanese develop a plan to extract a peaceful revenge on America through the realm of business.  Within a short time the auto and technology imports of Japan pose a serious economic threat to domestic American companies.  {Mr. Shaw later retold his heroic deeds for the 1975 Steven Spielberg documentary "Jaws"}

                                                           National Heroes

February 16, 2010- McCormick must have extracted some inside information on the Japanese strategy because her side has sacrificed the hammer for only 1 point.  Regardless, the United States has evened the score.  This was a risky proposition with two ends left.  The women of Japan could possibly force a scoreless 9th end, and then hold the hammer coming into the final frame.  Unlike bowling's tenth frame, there are no extra balls in women's curling. 

November 2, 2009- After United States National Highway Traffic Safety Administration investigations into the sudden acceleration of Toyota manufactured vehicles, the Japanese owned company issues recalls 3.8million floor mats.  After discovering that floor mats are inanimate and therefore incapable of pressing gas pedals, the company begins an additional recall on braking systems three weeks later.  Luckily for Toyota, media reports of deadly high speed accidents in their products are overshadowed by the indiscretions of a professional golfer who wrapped a General Motors SUV around a tree at 5 miles per hour.

February 16, 2010- For the pride of Japan, a former Empire whose royalty still commands the veneration of the U.S. President, Moe Meguro must defeat the American women with only 1 hammer, 8 rocks, and 3 brooms.  In the 9th end Japan looks sure to take a 1 point lead and McCormick capitalizes with a strategy once used by NFL coach Mike Holmgren in Super Bowl XXXII.  She lets Meguro's squad have the point and the lead, therefore giving America the hammer and a chance to win in the 10th end.  However, McCormick wilts like Peyton Manning under the pressure.  For all intents and purposes the American rock is picked off and returned for the Curling equivalent of a touchdown.  After the political embarrassment of the Toyota fiasco, Japan is vindicated by direct Olympic domination of America.  The U.S. government is forced to steal a distraction technique from their far eastern rivals and hide their shameful defeat in the back pages of newspapers by persuading a fallen professional golfer to hold a live press conference on national television.

LAS VEGAS- I would have posted something on the Olympics earlier but I have been stranded in Pacific & Mountain time zones without internets for the last week. Not to mention it's virtually impossible to find these games on TV. Finally after searching NBC affiliates on various cable networks I was able to locate what looks to be hockey announcers on USA Cable (is NBC even going to try and broadcast these games?). Looks like I just missed the Team USA hockey game. Damn. Well there should be another hockey game soon... Right?

Nope. Figure skating. Why do we have winter Olympics? There's not even that many events, just variations of the same competition: Pairs Figure Skating, Men's Singles Short Routine, Women's Singles Short Routine, Men's Singles Endurance Challenge, Women's Singles You Got Served, Alternative Lifestyle Pairs, Men's Singles Free Skate, Women's Singles Laps, Ice Dancing, Middle School Ice Dancing (where the partner's must stay on opposite sides of the rink).

Altogether there are 23 gold medals for what amounts to one competition. And every event has the same variations. Alpine Skiing is even worse: Men's Going Down a Mountain Fast, Women's Going Down a Mountain Through Flags, Men's Going Down a Mountain with Bumps, Women's Going Down a Mountain with Lovely Lady Lumps, Men's Going Down a Ramp and Jumping, Women's Going Down a Ramp and Jumping While Posing for Sports Illustrated... And 15 other variations.

I'm sure all of these are important events for those competing in them, the advertisers sponsoring them, and the network who forked out a billion dollars for them (but still won't pre-empt day time soaps). And it's a mild morale boost for a downtrodden former communist block nation like Estonia to pick up a silver medal in the Women's 10km Cross Country.

Somehow I thing these announcers take themselves a touch seriously though. The female figure skating commentator spent most of a routine gasping in horror at the eventual gold medallist Chinese pair. Either:
A. She is a jingoist American slandering the threatening eastern uprising (see Obama administration & Toyota)
B. She knows nothing about figure skating
C. Or she was just trying to draw attention to herself because she's not as hip as Brian Boitano
D. She wants to become the Simon Cowell of the new Fox show "Foreign Ice Idol"

At least she was making some noise to keep the audience awake. Figure Skating announcers seem to find it appropriate to whisper during the routine as if anyone can hear them in the booth. Which is funny, because televised Figure Skating resembles televised Golf with slightly more tasteful attire. Consider:

A. Announcers who whisper
B. Audiences who applaud softly after a complex maneuver
C. Big stars getting attacked with clubs or pipes

Over on MSNBC there is a hockey game... a women's hockey game. This will last for... oh a penalty... and change the channel. Well, still watched 8 seconds longer than a women's basketball game. Which reminds me, why isn't basketball in the winter Olympics? Can't we balance out these games so that winter can be just as good as summer? What about boxing? These sports can be done in arenas, why are they in the summer games? The winter Olympics need help... save the world, make basketball & boxing winter games. Because if you don't....

I'll be forced to watch Curling. Which I am doing. And pounding expensive west coast ale which I can't take on the plane with me. And this is way more awesome than Figure Skating or Women's hockey. Why are they playing shuffleboard on ice? I don't know. How do you score this game? I don't know. Are their brooms smoothing or roughing the ice? I DON'T KNOW. Why is this an Olympic sport? I don't know. What I do know: Alcohol & Curling = Excitement.

It's the US vs Japan. GM's union hack politicians vs the Toyota recall. Microsoft vs Sony. This is what it all comes down to. All of our international problems sorted out on the Curling ice. The Olympic spirit.

RANT
To address the San Diego Chargers comment I made in the "live blogcast" Super Bowl article.  How does A.J. Smith have a job?  He didn't draft Drew Brees and therefore felt it necessary to prove his worth as a GM by drafting another QB the year following his hiring, and three years after the franchise made a significant investment in the 33rd pick of 2001 draft.  Smith additionally fired Marty Schottenheimer who went 14-2 but lost at home in the 2nd round of the playoffs.  Subsequently he hired Norv Turner who three years later went 13-3 and lost at home in the second round of the playoffs.  Hindsight being 20/20 we now can see that Mr. Smith's 2004 pick of Eli Manning (who magically exploded into Philip Rivers via trade and by digesting the entire backstage draft sandwich cart) means he missed on taking the deep threat his club needed to stretch the field for it's franchise back LaDanian Tomlinson and potential franchise QB Drew Brees.  (Imagine those two guys with Larry Fitzgerald)  And while the Manning trade was executed perfectly by Smith, considering he used the picks acquired in the trade to draft Nate Kaeding and Shawn Merriman.  The question remains, was it necessary to double up on quarterbacks considering the talent left in the draft could help him build around Brees?  Drew Brees was eventually released to free agency before Schottenhiemer's tragic 14-2 season, and yet has since managed to secure a Super Bowl ring.  Meanwhile A.J. Smith has squandered the best years of the elite running back of the 2000's, LDT. 

RAVE
Bill Belichick's Patriots and Tom Coughlin's Giants may have fallen on hard times, but the Bill Parcells coaching tree is alive and well.  Sean Payton out-coached his two-headed opponent, the Jim Caldwell/Peyton Manning hybrid, to the tune of a 31-17 victory in the Super Bowl.  The onside kick to open the second half was the knockout in the momentum boxing match.  After wearing the Colts down in the early middle rounds with two 6 minute plus extended drives, Payton rope-a-doped with what could have been a career defining 4th and goal failure.  Then in the ensuing 3 downs he hacked into the A.I. of Mr. Caldwell's Intel processor.  The equation: 3 consecutive Colts runs in order to head into halftime with the lead and a slight gain in momentum due to a 4th down stop + 2 Saints' timeouts and stellar defense  = New Orleans gets the ball back with plenty of time and excellent field position.  Garrett Hartley, he of the 4-game suspension for performance enhancing drugs, knocks home a 44-yarder.   Maybe a lucky series of events but nonetheless a successful gut punch by Payton, Caldwell is set up for the knockout.  Perhaps the greatest victory by man over computer since Kasperov defeated Deep Blue.

RANT
Speaking of knocking home a 44 yarder, Hartley also hit from 47, and 46 and yet no one in the CBS booth even hinted at the four game PED suspension Hartley served this season.  How is it that the NFLPA has become Teflon to steriods?  Matt Stover may be geriatric proportional to the NFL population, but couldn't he have put home that 51 yarder with a little help from the ol' needle fairy?  Is the NFL standing behind the curtain threatening castration if it's indiscretions are made public by the networks it practically keeps in business?  How long can the NFL Players Association stay immune to criticism while some of it's top entertainers; Shawn Merriman, Pat Williams, Kevin Williams, Garret Hartley etc, are known cheaters?

RAVE
It's too bad for Joseph Addai that the Colts couldn't pull off the overdog victory, because he should have been MVP.  To borrow from John Madden, "here's a guy" who's had to split time his entire career, has had his future as a starter in the NFL written off by the sporting press despite the fact that he's only 26, had his team already draft his replacement despite the fact that he's only 26, and his value is clearly dropping heading into his final year under contract despite the fact that he's only 26.  Naturally he was a 26 year-old man looking to prove his worth to his team and the national media.  With 77 yards on only 13 carries, a touchdown, and 7 receptions for 58 yards he undoubtedly was the best offensive performer for Indy. It was his coaches' (Caldwell and Manning) decision to stop the running which had thrashed the Saints for 5.2 yards per carry.  And it's more than possible that's why Addai is without a Super Bowl MVP trophy and his 2nd Super Bowl ring.

RANT
We can send a man to the moon but we still can't figure out why CBS is "America's Most Watched Network"?  A network that lines its pockets and prime time schedules with multiple versions of multiple crime shows?  A network who's top comedy features Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer in a non "Hot Shots" related plot?  A network who promotes the head slap with a commercial instead of a PSA?  (Because if you come home and your family is watching CBS you had better slap the shit out of them)  A network that could at any moment (probably 2012 though) end the world by having a CSI-NCIS crossover episode where the cast of all five shows come together.  At what time of day is it the most watched network in America?  Around 7 PM on Super Bowl Sunday? No argument with that claim.  Yet if CBS is truly the dominant television network it certainly seems to be a testament to the vacating of culture in America... until of course the question is asked, "what other networks offer a more substantial quality?"

RAVE
Jim Nantz.  "How about Purple?"  "How about not."  Enough said.


RANT
While I share nothing but excitement for the people of New Orleans, I am a little saddened that Tom Benson gets to wear a Super Bowl ring.  Five years ago the Saints' owner was on a mission to jump ship and either return football to Los Angeles or take a sweetheart deal with San Antonio.  Only because of the devastation laid upon New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina did his fiendish plot become impossible due to the certain social repercussions of relocating.  In football discussions many  words are spent trashing coaches who leave jobs early, but shouldn't crooked owners be dug a deeper grave?  It's one thing to leave a school or franchise because of a better opportunity, you merely damage relations with a few players or fans on the way out.  But to move a franchise guts an entire city emotionally.  Did the football gods allow the Saints to win because Benson stayed in their original hometown while the Colts owners did not?  We'll never know.

RAVE
Does Drew Brees now qualify as an elite quarterback outside of his generation?  Winning a Super Bowl puts NFL quarterbacks in a different category historically.  Now Drew Brees is not only a pro bowl QB with impressive passing numbers, he's a borderline Hall of Famer.  Depending on how the next 3-5 season shake out for him, this championship could take his label from "great passing QB" to "legendary field general".  Overall he's 68-54 as a regular season starter and 4-2 in the playoffs.  He has 30,646 passing yards and 202 touchdowns.  Both of those numbers put him ahead of Hall of Famers Bob Griese, Joe Namath, Bart Starr and Roger Staubach.  Of course those guys are from an era where receivers were not allowed to roam free and untouched.  In another year Brees will climb past Terry Bradshaw, Kurt Warner and Troy Aikman on those lists.  But until his career and those of Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Donovan McNabb, and Ben Roethlisberger are complete, we probably won't know where he stands among the best of his own time or all-time.

RANT
Thanks to The Who for selling your soul to the American television establishment by playing every CSI opening theme during your Super Bowl Halftime show performance, which coincidentally was aired on CBS. At least NCIS doesn't use any of your songs otherwise the world might have stopped sinning on it's axis.  CBS is, of course, an acronym for The CSI Broadcasting System.

RAVE
Some random statements.  Feel free to put these together as needed: over 40 year title drought, Super Bowl celebration party, Mardi Gras, Bourbon Street, same week, ticker tape or bar napkins?

Killer said Joseph Addai couldn't possibly be the Super Bowl MVP, a propostion suggested by a ESPN 101 caller, we'll see how that works out.

He also bet the under on Pete Townshend windmills (6), Townshend wouldn't break a guit-box on stage, took the over (56 1/2), Dallas Clark would have the first TD and no Who powerslides.

The rest of us are just hoping for a good game. I've got my cheap domestic Mexican Ale, which transforms into an expensive imported pilsner across the border (thanks NAFTA).

Sadly the appearance of the Saints in the Super Bowl has ruined on of our Super Bowl quiz questions. Now there's only 4 teams in the NFL who have never made the Super Bowl. Two years in a row that that particular question has been changed. What's next the Lions in the Super Bowl?

- Saints win the toss, NFC has won the last 12. They're 2-10.

- Addai looks pretty solid. Killer looks pretty humble.

- Oh Colston, catch the ball

- The NFL is using The Arcade Fire to pimp the draft?

- Apparently the standard for last year's commercials has held, physical humor is memorable. Otherwise explain that NCIS ad.

- If Reggie Bush doesn't want to marry Kim of the Pornos shouldn't he be trying to throw this game. Pete Rose has been suspended for less... Or similar circumstances

- Great call to go for it by Payton. Bad execution and play call. Why run the play you just ran.

- Looks like The Who is playing every CSI theme song... And the Super Bowl is on CBS... Coincidence or terrorist plot?

- Sean Payton strikes again. Onside kick. And no ref can settle this pile. Where is Ed Hochuli when the NFL needs him.

- Addai gets a TD. Killer is visibly upset by the prospect that his broad judgments have been question. Still no one is judging his judgement on broads.

- The Saints have juevos. And because of those eggs we have a 1 point game.

- The expensive imported non-corona is going down fast. Or this game is going slow... You decide.

- For some reason I've blacked out all game and commercial momentos up until this point. But the Saints are up 22-17. The 2 Point looked bad upon first look, but the CBS replay makes it look pretty solid. Sean Payton is sneaking up on us with his Parcelles taught strategery again. Also Lance Moore is exceptional at putting the ball in the end zone while his body is not.

- And Peyton Manning is back. Not the good Peyton we've grown acustumed to, but the bad Pre Super Bowl 41 Peyton that kills his team when it matters. TAINT for the Saints.

- Jim Caldwell, the stone face coach of the Colts has been motionless for 22 games, 3 quarters, and 12 minutes... But I think he's about to cry.

- And we're done. Drew Brees is now an "elite" quarterback... Philip Rivers is not. The Chargers have now lost 2 Super Bowl winning QB's with one draft pick (the Eli Manning pick where they traded Eli and then sent Brees packing because of their 1st round commitment to Rivers)... I believe that's a record for the NFL

INTRODUCTION

If the SEC is not the best conference in college football than why do they keep winning the BCS National Championship?  Well, besides that the BCS is rigged and all.... The SEC is without a doubt the most hated conference in college football, they encompass as much sports hatred as The Yankees, The Lakers, The Cowboys or Manchester United.  Every consistently successful team that is hated outside of their relatively gynormous fanbase that ranges from t-shirt fans, bandwagon jumpers, wealthy box seat corporate types, to a large section of true fans.  (Let's not get unreasonably jealous here, these teams still have just as many or more hardcore fans as any other sporting club)  The SEC as one entity, is as polarizing in the college football fan world as much as any of those organizations are supported and loathed in their respective worlds.

There are numerous conspiracies by Big 10, 12 and Pac 10 fans why SEC schools are so successful: 

- They don't have academic standards

- They recruit faster players than every other conference and play a wide open, style of football which doesn't translate well to cold climates

- They control the BCS and the Military Industrial Complex

- They've developed a compound, or fluoride, several decades ago which was injected into the Florida water supply to produce super athletes who are susceptible to recruitment to good ol' boy coaches who prefer hip visors to traditional ball caps

- It is the only major conference filled exclusively with schools located in mainly warm weather climate, excellent for 18-year old testosterone fueled athletes bent on partying with scantily clad coeds year round

- The conference is run by more crooks than the other SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission)

Needless to say, the SEC is beloved in less conspiracy filled circles including: south of the Mason Dixon line, west of Texarkana, the great state of Kentucky, the secret underground BCS lair, the Military Industrial Complex, and the National Sporting Press.  In these places there is no doubt who is king.  Just like on the evening of January 7. 


PERFECTING THE FORMULA

Last year we broke down the conferences based on some criteria we created whilst indulging in loud shouting matches featuring RBI Baseball and Jameson.  This year we've moved onto Maker's Mark and Dusty Diamond's All-Star Softball, and the bourbon has given us some insight to a fatal mistake we made in last years tally: our calculation system which assigned each conference a rank 1-8.  The problem is that using a 1-8 rank didn't differentiate between conferences who were miles ahead of their closest competition or ahead by negligible margins in a category.  Because of that a conference may only gain a 1-2 point advantage despite a 40% difference in winning percentage or gain a 1-2 point advantage based on less than a 1% variation.  So we've decided to modify the calculations and eliminate the ranking system.   Instead we will add to total winning percentage in each category together.  In a category with no winning percentage, i.e. Road BCS Wins, we've decided to award 10 points per victory to the total tally.   As an additional benefit this new calculation method would be able to be applied to all other conferences at the top level of college football without impacting the rankings (unlike the previous system).

Last year we used the Meaningful Game Percentage.  However, because the MG% is more of a calculation of scheduling and not performance we've decided to eliminate it.  In it's stead we've added a minor variation, the Cheap Bowl Team Calculation; which subtracts the number of bowl teams a conference had whose cupcake opponents led to the extra victory needed for bowl eligibility, from the number of non-bowl teams who finished 1 game out of eligibility due to not scheduling Subdivision cupcakes.  Obviously this could end up positive or negative for that conference, and each team considered will be worth 10 points in either direction.  (For the record, this generally will only apply to 6-6 teams that went to bowls, and 5-7 teams who didn't)

Here are the categories we used plus Cheap Bowl Team Calc, the replacement for MG%:

Vs BCS- According to the NCAA the BCS conferences are the best in the nation. This statistic shows how each conference fares against what the BCS committee feels is the toughest non-conference competition there is.

W-L% vs D I- Excluding Sub-Division opponents, this is the total winning percentage of each conference during non-conference and bowl games.

Bowls-The winning percentage of each conference against the top teams in the nation during the post-season.

% of W's- This statistic shows what percentage of a conference's total victories came against the best teams in the nation, bowl teams.

Road BCS- Home field advantage plays a prominent role in college football. Especially in BCS conferences. This tells which conferences have the most victories in BCS opponents backyards.

Cheap Bowl Team Calc - subtracts the number of bowl teams a conference had whose cupcake opponents let to the extra victory needed for bowl eligibility, from the number of non-bowl teams who finished 1 game out of eligibility due to not scheduling Subdivision cupcakes

                  2008-09 TOP CONFERENCES IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL

CONFERENCE	Vs BCS	W-L% vs D I	Bowls	% of W's	Road BCS	CBTC%	TOTAL
ACC	51.7	80.0	40.0	41.4	60	-20	253.1   #5
BIG 10	35.2	70.8	14.2	34.3	10	0	164.5   #7
BIG 12	50.0	91.3	57.1	47.6	20	0	266.0   #3
BIG EAST	50.0	80.9	60.0	36.3	10	0	237.2   #6
PAC-10	62.5	42.1	100.0	55.0	20	10	289.6   #1
SEC	52.3	88.4	75.0	44.1	20	0	279.8   #2
MOUNTAIN WEST	66.7	63.1	60.0	25.0	40	10	264.8   #4
WAC	29.4	41.1	20.0	10.3	30	0	130.8   #8

Not much changed from our calculations based on the ranking system for last year. The Pac-10 was still #1 and the SEC was still #2.  The Big 12 hopped into 3rd place, which is probably where they belonged considering the performance of Texas, Oklahoma, and Texas Tech.  The Mountain West just barely falls behind at #4, and the ACC and Big East round out the top 6.  Overall we feel that this gives a better representation of each conferences performances in 2008-09. 


THE 2009-10 SEASON

We're pretty sure that Alabama was the best team this season, but which conference was the best?  Who led the pack?  Was there a non-BCS conference worthy of more respect?   Was there an underrated conference which caused a title contender to become over looked?  Here's the table for this season.  Remember the first four categories are winning percentages, the last two are bonus categories as explained above. 

             2009-10 TOP CONFERENCES IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL

CONFERENCE	Vs BCS	W-L% vs D I	Bowls	% of W's	Road BCS	CBTC	TOTAL
ACC	45.8	58.8	42.8	47.0	30	-10	214.4   #6
BIG 10	44.4	79.2	57.1	30.5	20	-10	241.2   #3
BIG 12	44.4	75.9	50.0	33.3	10	0	213.6   #7
BIG EAST	50.0	100.0	66.7	43.2	40	0	299.9   #1
PAC-10	46.6	66.7	28.6	47.8	30	10	229.7   #4
SEC	65.2	91.7	60.0	36.2	30	0	283.1   #2
MOUNTAIN WEST	43.7	47.8	80.0	36.0	30	-10	227.5   #5
WAC	23.1	63.2	50.0	28.5	10	0	174.8   #8

Just like last year, there are some interesting questions raised by these formulas that need to be addressed.

- The Big East is #1?  Yes, at least for this year the landscape of college football constantly changes.  It was the biggest improvement of any conference in big time college football.  Looking at the standings and final rankings you can catch a glimpse of why.  The SEC had 2 of the top 3 teams in the nation and is the better conference over the last 2 seasons (more on that below), but 75% of the Big East finished with above a 61% winning percentage.  That's almost unheard of.  And leads to a great new recruiting slogan.  The Big East: 75% of the time it dominates over 61% of the time.

- The Mountain West was better than multiple BCS conferences again?  In fact the Mountain West could have been even better if it's non-bowl teams weren't generally atrocious.  Check out the standings and final rankings again.  TCU, Utah, and BYU helped the Mountain West put 3 teams in the top 18 of both polls.  (That's more than the Big 12, ACC, Big East, or Pac-10)

- How did the Big 12 go from #3 to #7 while the Big 10 from #7 to #3?  Look at last season's standings, and look at this year's.  They're almost a mirror image when you compare the Big 12 of 08-09 and Big 10 of 09-10.  Last year the Big 12 put 5 teams in the top 25, this season the Big 10 put 4 in the top 16.  The Big 12 of 2008-09 was probably stronger than the Big 10 of 2009-10.  But the Big 10 had a long way to climb up after an extraordinarily terrible season.

- How did the Big East go from #6 to #1 while the Pac-10 dropped from #1 to #4?  Short answer: no idea.  Long answer: last season the Pac-10 did three things well: won bowl games, beat BCS opponents, and got a higher percentage of their wins against bowl teams than other conferences.  This season they didn't stand out in any category.  Meanwhile the Big East paced the SEC and accomplished slightly more to stay ahead.

- Why is the SEC is #2 for the second straight year?  Because it means it's the best conference of the last two seasons.  Say what you will about the game of soccer, but one great thing the soccer community has given us is the coefficient system.  A ranking that rates individual leagues based on their performances against each other over the last 5 seasons.  Basically, what we're doing here, we just haven't averaged it out over 5 seasons.  But, we'll give it a try for the sake of argument and college football.  Just give us a couple weeks, that's a lot of data to write down.  If we did a shortened coefficient for the last two years it would look like this:

1. SEC            281.45
2. Big East     268.55
3. Pac-10       259.65
4. MWC          246.15
5. Big 12        239.80
6. ACC           233.75
7. Big 10        202.85
8. WAC           152.80

- Is the ACC the worst BCS conference of the last 2 seasons?  Nope, that's the Big 10.  Consult the table above.

- Did Cincinnati get screwed?  More than likely. They deserved a chance as much or more so than the Longhorns. Since they lost to Florida it doesn't seem as if they could have beaten Alabama.  But keep in mind, the Bearcats wouldn't have shut down as quickly as Texas if their number 1 QB went down.