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Curling at the Winter Olympics: The Political Battlefield

2010-02-18T00:04:00Z

February 3, 2010- U.S. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood declares that recalled Toyotas are unsafe to drive, presumably at any speed. Is Mr. LaHood merely concerned for the safety of millions of American citizens? Or is he using his position of power to condemn Japanese run Toyota, the chief competitor to the newly government owned General Motors? Transportation Secretary is a storied cabinet position created during the turbulent sixties while the streets of America were congested with Vietnam War protesters, civil rights marchers, and exploding Corvairs. It has been occupied by such great American leaders as Elizabeth Dole, Neil Goldschmidt and Brock Adams. At the moment of his harsh words about Toyota, and the implication of poor Japanese craftsmanship, Ray LaHood stood a mere fourteen untimely deaths from becoming President of the United States of America and CEO of General Motors.

February 16, 2010- The Winter Olympic games had sour beginnings due to the death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili prior to the opening ceremonies. There were further disturbances in the Vancouver and Whistler vicinities as demonstrators picketed against the destruction of the environment, the criminalization of the homeless, and the rising government debt incurred by hosting the games. Americans peeking over the boarder were awestruck by how the polar political opposite Canadian protesters managed to get along without hitting each other over the heads with their placards. Four days into the games, representatives of the U.S. and Japanese women's teams are set to do battle with the pride of two world powers at stake. Although curling is dissimilar to most American games, its tense matches can be reminiscent of the Ice Bowl, played on the frozen tundra of Lambeau field. The sport may in fact have been created by a drunk who'd been struggling to recreate the fun he'd enjoyed at a neighborhood pub the prior night. From the depths of his faded memories he was able to discern a long surface with a sliding puck similar to shuffleboard, a scoring target resembling a dart board, a dangerous slippery surface, and some brooms.

Curling: You've come a long way baby

Summer 1936- The United States considered boycotting the Olympic Games in Berlin due to the recent uprising of Nazis in the German government. The prejudicial nature of that ilk was not something the free west wanted to taint their Olympic spirit. Not to mention the dangers of possible Nazi zombie outbreaks which had been rumored to have occurred in the surrounding communities. The United States justifies it's presence in the games by declaring publicly that the Olympics are not about politics. However, they subversively challenge Germany's Aryan superiority complex by tasking African-American super spy Jesse Owens with undermining the Nazi political structure. Owens uses his superhuman speed to instill doubt in the minds of his Aryan opponents and claims four gold medals. Despite his glorious effort saving democracy and mocking fascism, the American government is forced to disassociate itself from Owens in order to maintain its stance separating politics from the games. Owens has his amateur athletic status revoked and is never publicly thanked for his outstanding service by Presidents Roosevelt or Truman.

February16, 2010- U.S. Skipper Debbie McCormick knows there's a thin line between the highstakes world of curling and international espionage. She led America to a World Championship in 2003 and was a member of the 1998 and 2002 Olympic squads. There are substantial political overtones to this draw thanks to the recent Toyota recall, and the government understands the consequences of showing up second best to Japan in any event. Especially in a Canadian favorite like Curling. Any sign of weakness witnessed by the United States' neighbor to the north may undermine the positive strides made by NAFTA, Steve Nash, and The Arcade Fire towards improving Amero-Canuck relations. That fear is exactly the reason why McCormick, a natural born Canadian, was recruited by the C.I.A. to skipper the women's Olympic curling team in 2010. With her guidance and the hammer, America takes a 1 point lead after the 1st end.

December 7, 1941- The Empire of Japan, with the help of Michael Bay,attacks Pearl Harbor in an attempt to kill Ben Affleck. Tragically over 2,300 Americans are killed; none named Ben Affleck. This devastating moment launches the U.S. into the Pacific arena of World War II. The power of the mighty American military benefits the Allies, Hollywood, and the career of John Wayne. However, a further toll is taken 60 years later when 20 million Americans are forced, via subliminal Disney advertisements, to watch a 3 hour, historically inaccurate Michael Bay film {sic- redundant} about the incident... starring Ben Affleck.

February 16, 2010- Japanese skipper Moe Meguro appeared in her first Olympics at the age of 21. At 23 she led her team to Japan's finest curling showing, a 4th place finish in the 2008 World Championships. Now a feisty veteran of 25, she must rise to the occasion as her nation has fallen behind the Americans 3-0, after the hammerless U.S. squad steals 2 points in the 2nd end.

November 19, 2006- Japan's Nintendo Co. Ltd. releases the Wii as their seventh generation console to compete with Microsoft's XBOX 360. Thanks to a creative control scheme and a interesting appeal to children on snow days, the Wii promptly becomes the defining and best selling console of it's era. American owned Microsoft justifies its defeat by lowering prices and assuages their shareholders by declaring they're defeating their true Japanese competitor, Sony. In the meantime they spend millions developing a new control scheme for their console to rival the Wii. Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata spends his days shoveling American dollars into his pockets. {Before converting the dollars into something more stable like gold or shares of Apple stock}

February 16, 2010- The Japanese curling squad represents the ideals their country is known for. They are smaller and more efficient than the larger American models. But unlike their older American counterparts, the slimmer Japanese curlers have never posed for a semi-nude "Women of Curling" calendar shoot. Clearly the time has come to recognize the many qualities of Far Eastern curling. Using a cunning strategy, like their native corporation Nintendo, the Japanese wait for their American opponent to show its cards before unleashing a play that changes the game. Down 4-1 entering the 5th end, Japan hammer the Americans' granite and place 3 rocks within the circles. Match tied 4-4.

Wasn't joking about this

February 22, 1980- The Cold War that resulted from the remnants of World War II had many battles: The Korean War, The Vietnam War, The Cuban Missile Crisis, The Space Race, Balboa vs Drago, and The Bay of Pigs But on this day the battle between the free west and communist east came to a head on the ice of Lake Placid, NY. Just like in the Nazi games of 1936, the 1980 Winter Olympics were a embodiment of the political rivals of the age. It was common knowledge in America that the communist athletes were trained to win medals from conception. The Soviet Union owned the sport of Olympic Ice Hockey, including a 10-3 victory over the U.S. in exhibition two weeks prior. However on this day the Reds would fall, like Ivan Drago, at the hands of Kurt Russell and the Americans. The resulting victory propels American national spirit to an all time high. In the coming years President Ronald Reagan would commission his friends in Hollywood to make educational films about the Soviet threat: Red Dawn, Footloose; and inspirational films designed to instruct American citizens on how to defeat the commies: Rocky IV, Dirty Dancing {The original promotional tag-line: "You don't put Lady Liberty in a corner" was dropped in pre-production}.

February 16, 2010- In each of the next rounds the team holding the hammer scores multiple points. The Americans dominate end 6, but Japan strikes back with three points in end 7 and are now up by one. Japan is the only fully funded curling team in the Winter Olympics. Does that mean they are forced to live in the dorms at the national training center like the communist Chinese figure skaters? We don't know for certain. {But if we had to speculate... yes} These far eastern curlers could be the last remnants of a sporting culture the free west thought it had defeated. American curlers curl because they enjoy the right to curl at their leisure. They are free to have family lives and willingly join the labor force to contribute to their nation's economic prosperity. They curl because they have a sense of duty to their country, not because they were drafted into advanced curling development centers due to the random draw of a government lottery.

June 25, 1945- Robert Shaw; shark hunter, Bond-villain, and captain of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, delivers an atomic bomb to the Tuskegee Airmen piloting the Memphis Belle. After the use of the nuclear weapon, the cities of Japan are besieged by overgrown mutants. Luckily two children are able to assist the government in creating a strategic defensive alliance with Godzilla and Gamera. The large reptiles provide assistance to humanity by fending off further threats by mutated insects and various rubbery creatures. After decades of constantly rebuilding their shattered communities the Japanese develop a plan to extract a peaceful revenge on America through the realm of business. Within a short time the auto and technology imports of Japan pose a serious economic threat to domestic American companies. {Mr. Shaw later retold his heroic deeds for the 1975 Steven Spielberg documentary "Jaws"}

National Heroes

February 16, 2010- McCormick must have extracted some inside information on the Japanese strategy because her side has sacrificed the hammer for only 1 point. Regardless, the United States has evened the score. This was a risky proposition with two ends left. The women of Japan could possibly force a scoreless 9th end, and then hold the hammer coming into the final frame. Unlike bowling's tenth frame, there are no extra balls in women's curling.

November 2, 2009- After United States National Highway Traffic Safety Administration investigations into the sudden acceleration of Toyota manufactured vehicles, the Japanese owned company issues recalls 3.8million floor mats. After discovering that floor mats are inanimate and therefore incapable of pressing gas pedals, the company begins an additional recall on braking systems three weeks later. Luckily for Toyota, media reports of deadly high speed accidents in their products are overshadowed by the indiscretions of a professional golfer who wrapped a General Motors SUV around a tree at 5 miles per hour.

February 16, 2010- For the pride of Japan, a former Empire whose royalty still commands the veneration of the U.S. President, Moe Meguro must defeat the American women with only 1 hammer, 8 rocks, and 3 brooms. In the 9th end Japan looks sure to take a 1 point lead and McCormick capitalizes with a strategy once used by NFL coach Mike Holmgren in Super Bowl XXXII. She lets Meguro's squad have the point and the lead, therefore giving America the hammer and a chance to win in the 10th end. However, McCormick wilts like Peyton Manning under the pressure. For all intents and purposes the American rock is picked off and returned for the Curling equivalent of a touchdown. After the political embarrassment of the Toyota fiasco, Japan is vindicated by direct Olympic domination of America. The U.S. government is forced to steal a distraction technique from their far eastern rivals and hide their shameful defeat in the back pages of newspapers by persuading a fallen professional golfer to hold a live press conference on national television.

The Winter Olympics

2010-02-16T18:11:06Z

LAS VEGAS- I would have posted something on the Olympics earlier but I have been stranded in Pacific & Mountain time zones without internets for the last week. Not to mention it's virtually impossible to find these games on TV. Finally after searching NBC affiliates on various cable networks I was able to locate what looks to be hockey announcers on USA Cable (is NBC even going to try and broadcast these games?). Looks like I just missed the Team USA hockey game. Damn. Well there should be another hockey game soon... Right?

Nope. Figure skating. Why do we have winter Olympics? There's not even that many events, just variations of the same competition: Pairs Figure Skating, Men's Singles Short Routine, Women's Singles Short Routine, Men's Singles Endurance Challenge, Women's Singles You Got Served, Alternative Lifestyle Pairs, Men's Singles Free Skate, Women's Singles Laps, Ice Dancing, Middle School Ice Dancing (where the partner's must stay on opposite sides of the rink).

Altogether there are 23 gold medals for what amounts to one competition. And every event has the same variations. Alpine Skiing is even worse: Men's Going Down a Mountain Fast, Women's Going Down a Mountain Through Flags, Men's Going Down a Mountain with Bumps, Women's Going Down a Mountain with Lovely Lady Lumps, Men's Going Down a Ramp and Jumping, Women's Going Down a Ramp and Jumping While Posing for Sports Illustrated... And 15 other variations.

I'm sure all of these are important events for those competing in them, the advertisers sponsoring them, and the network who forked out a billion dollars for them (but still won't pre-empt day time soaps). And it's a mild morale boost for a downtrodden former communist block nation like Estonia to pick up a silver medal in the Women's 10km Cross Country.

Somehow I thing these announcers take themselves a touch seriously though. The female figure skating commentator spent most of a routine gasping in horror at the eventual gold medallist Chinese pair. Either:
A. She is a jingoist American slandering the threatening eastern uprising (see Obama administration & Toyota)
B. She knows nothing about figure skating
C. Or she was just trying to draw attention to herself because she's not as hip as Brian Boitano
D. She wants to become the Simon Cowell of the new Fox show "Foreign Ice Idol"

At least she was making some noise to keep the audience awake. Figure Skating announcers seem to find it appropriate to whisper during the routine as if anyone can hear them in the booth. Which is funny, because televised Figure Skating resembles televised Golf with slightly more tasteful attire. Consider:

A. Announcers who whisper
B. Audiences who applaud softly after a complex maneuver
C. Big stars getting attacked with clubs or pipes

Over on MSNBC there is a hockey game... a women's hockey game. This will last for... oh a penalty... and change the channel. Well, still watched 8 seconds longer than a women's basketball game. Which reminds me, why isn't basketball in the winter Olympics? Can't we balance out these games so that winter can be just as good as summer? What about boxing? These sports can be done in arenas, why are they in the summer games? The winter Olympics need help... save the world, make basketball & boxing winter games. Because if you don't....

I'll be forced to watch Curling. Which I am doing. And pounding expensive west coast ale which I can't take on the plane with me. And this is way more awesome than Figure Skating or Women's hockey. Why are they playing shuffleboard on ice? I don't know. How do you score this game? I don't know. Are their brooms smoothing or roughing the ice? I DON'T KNOW. Why is this an Olympic sport? I don't know. What I do know: Alcohol & Curling = Excitement.

It's the US vs Japan. GM's union hack politicians vs the Toyota recall. Microsoft vs Sony. This is what it all comes down to. All of our international problems sorted out on the Curling ice. The Olympic spirit.

Super Bowl Rants and Raves

2010-02-08T23:27:00Z

RANT
To address the San Diego Chargers comment I made in the "live blogcast" Super Bowl article. How does A.J. Smith have a job? He didn't draft Drew Brees and therefore felt it necessary to prove his worth as a GM by drafting another QB the year following his hiring, and three years after the franchise made a significant investment in the 33rd pick of 2001 draft. Smith additionally fired Marty Schottenheimer who went 14-2 but lost at home in the 2nd round of the playoffs. Subsequently he hired Norv Turner who three years later went 13-3 and lost at home in the second round of the playoffs. Hindsight being 20/20 we now can see that Mr. Smith's 2004 pick of Eli Manning (who magically exploded into Philip Rivers via trade and by digesting the entire backstage draft sandwich cart) means he missed on taking the deep threat his club needed to stretch the field for it's franchise back LaDanian Tomlinson and potential franchise QB Drew Brees. (Imagine those two guys with Larry Fitzgerald) And while the Manning trade was executed perfectly by Smith, considering he used the picks acquired in the trade to draft Nate Kaeding and Shawn Merriman. The question remains, was it necessary to double up on quarterbacks considering the talent left in the draft could help him build around Brees? Drew Brees was eventually released to free agency before Schottenhiemer's tragic 14-2 season, and yet has since managed to secure a Super Bowl ring. Meanwhile A.J. Smith has squandered the best years of the elite running back of the 2000's, LDT.

RAVE
Bill Belichick's Patriots and Tom Coughlin's Giants may have fallen on hard times, but the Bill Parcells coaching tree is alive and well. Sean Payton out-coached his two-headed opponent, the Jim Caldwell/Peyton Manning hybrid, to the tune of a 31-17 victory in the Super Bowl. The onside kick to open the second half was the knockout in the momentum boxing match. After wearing the Colts down in the early middle rounds with two 6 minute plus extended drives, Payton rope-a-doped with what could have been a career defining 4th and goal failure. Then in the ensuing 3 downs he hacked into the A.I. of Mr. Caldwell's Intel processor. The equation: 3 consecutive Colts runs in order to head into halftime with the lead and a slight gain in momentum due to a 4th down stop + 2 Saints' timeouts and stellar defense = New Orleans gets the ball back with plenty of time and excellent field position. Garrett Hartley, he of the 4-game suspension for performance enhancing drugs, knocks home a 44-yarder. Maybe a lucky series of events but nonetheless a successful gut punch by Payton, Caldwell is set up for the knockout. Perhaps the greatest victory by man over computer since Kasperov defeated Deep Blue.

RANT
Speaking of knocking home a 44 yarder, Hartley also hit from 47, and 46 and yet no one in the CBS booth even hinted at the four game PED suspension Hartley served this season. How is it that the NFLPA has become Teflon to steriods? Matt Stover may be geriatric proportional to the NFL population, but couldn't he have put home that 51 yarder with a little help from the ol' needle fairy? Is the NFL standing behind the curtain threatening castration if it's indiscretions are made public by the networks it practically keeps in business? How long can the NFL Players Association stay immune to criticism while some of it's top entertainers; Shawn Merriman, Pat Williams, Kevin Williams, Garret Hartley etc, are known cheaters?

RAVE
It's too bad for Joseph Addai that the Colts couldn't pull off the overdog victory, because he should have been MVP. To borrow from John Madden, "here's a guy" who's had to split time his entire career, has had his future as a starter in the NFL written off by the sporting press despite the fact that he's only 26, had his team already draft his replacement despite the fact that he's only 26, and his value is clearly dropping heading into his final year under contract despite the fact that he's only 26. Naturally he was a 26 year-old man looking to prove his worth to his team and the national media. With 77 yards on only 13 carries, a touchdown, and 7 receptions for 58 yards he undoubtedly was the best offensive performer for Indy. It was his coaches' (Caldwell and Manning) decision to stop the running which had thrashed the Saints for 5.2 yards per carry. And it's more than possible that's why Addai is without a Super Bowl MVP trophy and his 2nd Super Bowl ring.

RANT
We can send a man to the moon but we still can't figure out why CBS is "America's Most Watched Network"? A network that lines its pockets and prime time schedules with multiple versions of multiple crime shows? A network who's top comedy features Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer in a non "Hot Shots" related plot? A network who promotes the head slap with a commercial instead of a PSA? (Because if you come home and your family is watching CBS you had better slap the shit out of them) A network that could at any moment (probably 2012 though) end the world by having a CSI-NCIS crossover episode where the cast of all five shows come together. At what time of day is it the most watched network in America? Around 7 PM on Super Bowl Sunday? No argument with that claim. Yet if CBS is truly the dominant television network it certainly seems to be a testament to the vacating of culture in America... until of course the question is asked, "what other networks offer a more substantial quality?"

RAVE
Jim Nantz. "How about Purple?" "How about not." Enough said.

RANT
While I share nothing but excitement for the people of New Orleans, I am a little saddened that Tom Benson gets to wear a Super Bowl ring. Five years ago the Saints' owner was on a mission to jump ship and either return football to Los Angeles or take a sweetheart deal with San Antonio. Only because of the devastation laid upon New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina did his fiendish plot become impossible due to the certain social repercussions of relocating. In football discussions many words are spent trashing coaches who leave jobs early, but shouldn't crooked owners be dug a deeper grave? It's one thing to leave a school or franchise because of a better opportunity, you merely damage relations with a few players or fans on the way out. But to move a franchise guts an entire city emotionally. Did the football gods allow the Saints to win because Benson stayed in their original hometown while the Colts owners did not? We'll never know.

RAVE
Does Drew Brees now qualify as an elite quarterback outside of his generation? Winning a Super Bowl puts NFL quarterbacks in a different category historically. Now Drew Brees is not only a pro bowl QB with impressive passing numbers, he's a borderline Hall of Famer. Depending on how the next 3-5 season shake out for him, this championship could take his label from "great passing QB" to "legendary field general". Overall he's 68-54 as a regular season starter and 4-2 in the playoffs. He has 30,646 passing yards and 202 touchdowns. Both of those numbers put him ahead of Hall of Famers Bob Griese, Joe Namath, Bart Starr and Roger Staubach. Of course those guys are from an era where receivers were not allowed to roam free and untouched. In another year Brees will climb past Terry Bradshaw, Kurt Warner and Troy Aikman on those lists. But until his career and those of Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Donovan McNabb, and Ben Roethlisberger are complete, we probably won't know where he stands among the best of his own time or all-time.

RANT
Thanks to The Who for selling your soul to the American television establishment by playing every CSI opening theme during your Super Bowl Halftime show performance, which coincidentally was aired on CBS. At least NCIS doesn't use any of your songs otherwise the world might have stopped sinning on it's axis. CBS is, of course, an acronym for The CSI Broadcasting System.

RAVE
Some random statements. Feel free to put these together as needed: over 40 year title drought, Super Bowl celebration party, Mardi Gras, Bourbon Street, same week, ticker tape or bar napkins?

Super Bowl

2010-02-08T05:04:15Z

Killer said Joseph Addai couldn't possibly be the Super Bowl MVP, a propostion suggested by a ESPN 101 caller, we'll see how that works out.

He also bet the under on Pete Townshend windmills (6), Townshend wouldn't break a guit-box on stage, took the over (56 1/2), Dallas Clark would have the first TD and no Who powerslides.

The rest of us are just hoping for a good game. I've got my cheap domestic Mexican Ale, which transforms into an expensive imported pilsner across the border (thanks NAFTA).

Sadly the appearance of the Saints in the Super Bowl has ruined on of our Super Bowl quiz questions. Now there's only 4 teams in the NFL who have never made the Super Bowl. Two years in a row that that particular question has been changed. What's next the Lions in the Super Bowl?

- Saints win the toss, NFC has won the last 12. They're 2-10.

- Addai looks pretty solid. Killer looks pretty humble.

- Oh Colston, catch the ball

- The NFL is using The Arcade Fire to pimp the draft?

- Apparently the standard for last year's commercials has held, physical humor is memorable. Otherwise explain that NCIS ad.

- If Reggie Bush doesn't want to marry Kim of the Pornos shouldn't he be trying to throw this game. Pete Rose has been suspended for less... Or similar circumstances

- Great call to go for it by Payton. Bad execution and play call. Why run the play you just ran.

- Looks like The Who is playing every CSI theme song... And the Super Bowl is on CBS... Coincidence or terrorist plot?

- Sean Payton strikes again. Onside kick. And no ref can settle this pile. Where is Ed Hochuli when the NFL needs him.

- Addai gets a TD. Killer is visibly upset by the prospect that his broad judgments have been question. Still no one is judging his judgement on broads.

- The Saints have juevos. And because of those eggs we have a 1 point game.

- The expensive imported non-corona is going down fast. Or this game is going slow... You decide.

- For some reason I've blacked out all game and commercial momentos up until this point. But the Saints are up 22-17. The 2 Point looked bad upon first look, but the CBS replay makes it look pretty solid. Sean Payton is sneaking up on us with his Parcelles taught strategery again. Also Lance Moore is exceptional at putting the ball in the end zone while his body is not.

- And Peyton Manning is back. Not the good Peyton we've grown acustumed to, but the bad Pre Super Bowl 41 Peyton that kills his team when it matters. TAINT for the Saints.

- Jim Caldwell, the stone face coach of the Colts has been motionless for 22 games, 3 quarters, and 12 minutes... But I think he's about to cry.

- And we're done. Drew Brees is now an "elite" quarterback... Philip Rivers is not. The Chargers have now lost 2 Super Bowl winning QB's with one draft pick (the Eli Manning pick where they traded Eli and then sent Brees packing because of their 1st round commitment to Rivers)... I believe that's a record for the NFL

Another Year of BCS Screwjobs: Part III Which Conference Was the Best?

2010-01-23T00:17:00Z

INTRODUCTION

If the SEC is not the best conference in college football than why do they keep winning the BCS National Championship? Well, besides that the BCS is rigged and all.... The SEC is without a doubt the most hated conference in college football, they encompass as much sports hatred as The Yankees, The Lakers, The Cowboys or Manchester United. Every consistently successful team that is hated outside of their relatively gynormous fanbase that ranges from t-shirt fans, bandwagon jumpers, wealthy box seat corporate types, to a large section of true fans. (Let's not get unreasonably jealous here, these teams still have just as many or more hardcore fans as any other sporting club) The SEC as one entity, is as polarizing in the college football fan world as much as any of those organizations are supported and loathed in their respective worlds.

There are numerous conspiracies by Big 10, 12 and Pac 10 fans why SEC schools are so successful:

- They don't have academic standards

- They recruit faster players than every other conference and play a wide open, style of football which doesn't translate well to cold climates

- They control the BCS and the Military Industrial Complex

- They've developed a compound, or fluoride, several decades ago which was injected into the Florida water supply to produce super athletes who are susceptible to recruitment to good ol' boy coaches who prefer hip visors to traditional ball caps

- It is the only major conference filled exclusively with schools located in mainly warm weather climate, excellent for 18-year old testosterone fueled athletes bent on partying with scantily clad coeds year round

- The conference is run by more crooks than the other SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission)

Needless to say, the SEC is beloved in less conspiracy filled circles including: south of the Mason Dixon line, west of Texarkana, the great state of Kentucky, the secret underground BCS lair, the Military Industrial Complex, and the National Sporting Press. In these places there is no doubt who is king. Just like on the evening of January 7.

PERFECTING THE FORMULA

Last year we broke down the conferences based on some criteria we created whilst indulging in loud shouting matches featuring RBI Baseball and Jameson. This year we've moved onto Maker's Mark and Dusty Diamond's All-Star Softball, and the bourbon has given us some insight to a fatal mistake we made in last years tally: our calculation system which assigned each conference a rank 1-8. The problem is that using a 1-8 rank didn't differentiate between conferences who were miles ahead of their closest competition or ahead by negligible margins in a category. Because of that a conference may only gain a 1-2 point advantage despite a 40% difference in winning percentage or gain a 1-2 point advantage based on less than a 1% variation. So we've decided to modify the calculations and eliminate the ranking system. Instead we will add to total winning percentage in each category together. In a category with no winning percentage, i.e. Road BCS Wins, we've decided to award 10 points per victory to the total tally. As an additional benefit this new calculation method would be able to be applied to all other conferences at the top level of college football without impacting the rankings (unlike the previous system).

Last year we used the Meaningful Game Percentage. However, because the MG% is more of a calculation of scheduling and not performance we've decided to eliminate it. In it's stead we've added a minor variation, the Cheap Bowl Team Calculation; which subtracts the number of bowl teams a conference had whose cupcake opponents led to the extra victory needed for bowl eligibility, from the number of non-bowl teams who finished 1 game out of eligibility due to not scheduling Subdivision cupcakes. Obviously this could end up positive or negative for that conference, and each team considered will be worth 10 points in either direction. (For the record, this generally will only apply to 6-6 teams that went to bowls, and 5-7 teams who didn't)

Here are the categories we used plus Cheap Bowl Team Calc, the replacement for MG%:

Vs BCS- According to the NCAA the BCS conferences are the best in the nation. This statistic shows how each conference fares against what the BCS committee feels is the toughest non-conference competition there is.

W-L% vs D I- Excluding Sub-Division opponents, this is the total winning percentage of each conference during non-conference and bowl games.

Bowls-The winning percentage of each conference against the top teams in the nation during the post-season.

% of W's- This statistic shows what percentage of a conference's total victories came against the best teams in the nation, bowl teams.

Road BCS- Home field advantage plays a prominent role in college football. Especially in BCS conferences. This tells which conferences have the most victories in BCS opponents backyards.

Cheap Bowl Team Calc - subtracts the number of bowl teams a conference had whose cupcake opponents let to the extra victory needed for bowl eligibility, from the number of non-bowl teams who finished 1 game out of eligibility due to not scheduling Subdivision cupcakes

2008-09 TOP CONFERENCES IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL

*CONFERENCE*	*Vs BCS*	W-L% vs D I	*Bowls*	*% of W's*	*Road BCS*	*CBTC%*	*TOTAL*
ACC	51.7	80.0	40.0	41.4	60	-20	253.1 #5
BIG 10	35.2	70.8	14.2	34.3	10	0	164.5 #7
BIG 12	50.0	91.3	57.1	47.6	20	0	266.0 #3
BIG EAST	50.0	80.9	60.0	36.3	10	0	237.2 #6
PAC-10	62.5	42.1	100.0	55.0	20	10	289.6 #1
SEC	52.3	88.4	75.0	44.1	20	0	279.8 #2
MOUNTAIN WEST	66.7	63.1	60.0	25.0	40	10	264.8 #4
WAC	29.4	41.1	20.0	10.3	30	0	130.8 #8

Not much changed from our calculations based on the ranking system for last year. The Pac-10 was still #1 and the SEC was still #2. The Big 12 hopped into 3rd place, which is probably where they belonged considering the performance of Texas, Oklahoma, and Texas Tech. The Mountain West just barely falls behind at #4, and the ACC and Big East round out the top 6. Overall we feel that this gives a better representation of each conferences performances in 2008-09.

THE 2009-10 SEASON

We're pretty sure that Alabama was the best team this season, but which conference was the best? Who led the pack? Was there a non-BCS conference worthy of more respect? Was there an underrated conference which caused a title contender to become over looked? Here's the table for this season. Remember the first four categories are winning percentages, the last two are bonus categories as explained above.

2009-10 TOP CONFERENCES IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL

*CONFERENCE*	*Vs BCS*	W-L% vs D I	*Bowls*	*% of W's*	*Road BCS*	*CBTC*	*TOTAL*
ACC	45.8	58.8	42.8	47.0	30	-10	214.4 #6
BIG 10	44.4	79.2	57.1	30.5	20	-10	241.2 #3
BIG 12	44.4	75.9	50.0	33.3	10	0	213.6 #7
BIG EAST	50.0	100.0	66.7	43.2	40	0	299.9 #1
PAC-10	46.6	66.7	28.6	47.8	30	10	229.7 #4
SEC	65.2	91.7	60.0	36.2	30	0	283.1 #2
MOUNTAIN WEST	43.7	47.8	80.0	36.0	30	-10	227.5 #5
WAC	23.1	63.2	50.0	28.5	10	0	174.8 #8

Just like last year, there are some interesting questions raised by these formulas that need to be addressed.

- The Big East is #1? Yes, at least for this year the landscape of college football constantly changes. It was the biggest improvement of any conference in big time college football. Looking at the standings and final rankings you can catch a glimpse of why. The SEC had 2 of the top 3 teams in the nation and is the better conference over the last 2 seasons (more on that below), but 75% of the Big East finished with above a 61% winning percentage. That's almost unheard of. And leads to a great new recruiting slogan. The Big East: 75% of the time it dominates over 61% of the time.

- The Mountain West was better than multiple BCS conferences again? In fact the Mountain West could have been even better if it's non-bowl teams weren't generally atrocious. Check out the standings and final rankings again. TCU, Utah, and BYU helped the Mountain West put 3 teams in the top 18 of both polls. (That's more than the Big 12, ACC, Big East, or Pac-10)

- How did the Big 12 go from #3 to #7 while the Big 10 from #7 to #3? Look at last season's standings, and look at this year's. They're almost a mirror image when you compare the Big 12 of 08-09 and Big 10 of 09-10. Last year the Big 12 put 5 teams in the top 25, this season the Big 10 put 4 in the top 16. The Big 12 of 2008-09 was probably stronger than the Big 10 of 2009-10. But the Big 10 had a long way to climb up after an extraordinarily terrible season.

- How did the Big East go from #6 to #1 while the Pac-10 dropped from #1 to #4? Short answer: no idea. Long answer: last season the Pac-10 did three things well: won bowl games, beat BCS opponents, and got a higher percentage of their wins against bowl teams than other conferences. This season they didn't stand out in any category. Meanwhile the Big East paced the SEC and accomplished slightly more to stay ahead.

- Why is the SEC is #2 for the second straight year? Because it means it's the best conference of the last two seasons. Say what you will about the game of soccer, but one great thing the soccer community has given us is the coefficient system. A ranking that rates individual leagues based on their performances against each other over the last 5 seasons. Basically, what we're doing here, we just haven't averaged it out over 5 seasons. But, we'll give it a try for the sake of argument and college football. Just give us a couple weeks, that's a lot of data to write down. If we did a shortened coefficient for the last two years it would look like this:

1. SEC          281.45
2. Big East    268.55
3. Pac-10       259.65
4. MWC      246.15
5. Big 12    239.80
6. ACC       233.75
7. Big 10        202.85
8. WAC       152.80

- Is the ACC the worst BCS conference of the last 2 seasons? Nope, that's the Big 10. Consult the table above.

- Did Cincinnati get screwed? More than likely. They deserved a chance as much or more so than the Longhorns. Since they lost to Florida it doesn't seem as if they could have beaten Alabama. But keep in mind, the Bearcats wouldn't have shut down as quickly as Texas if their number 1 QB went down.

Another Year of BCS Screwjobs. PART II: Those Other Two Undefeated Teams

2010-01-04T22:25:00Z

Tonight will be probably the best game of the 2009-10 bowl season. Undefeated Boise State and TCU will battle in a historic but somewhat meaningless matchup. This is the first time two non-BCS teams have played each other in a Bowl Championship Series game. But is that a distinction of honor, or is this merely a method of protecting the jobs of the BCS governors? Understandably there was no place for either of these teams in the national title game, due to the 13-0 seasons of Texas and Alabama. However, there would have been significant value to having two non-BCS schools in the system if they actually got to prove themselves against the opponents who are colluding against them.

Could there be a bigger insult to these schools than making them rematch last year's Poinsettia Bowl? "Hey guys guess what? You're both invited to the party. But you have to dance with yourselves and no talking to any of the other guests." At least they get the 13 or so million for their conference by making a BCS bowl. However, this won't even give America a benchmark for how accurate the BCS really is at crowning a college football champion. If the best of the WAC & MWC aren't allowed to challenge the other top teams, is there any way to know if they're really as good? Oh, wait....

Why doesn't the BCS want Boise State or TCU to play an actual team from the conferences it was designed to crown champions from? Because this could happen:

2005 Fiesta Bowl: Utah 35 - Pittsburgh 7
2007 Fiesta Bowl: Boise State 43 - Oklahoma 42
2009 Sugar Bowl: Utah 31 - Alabama 17

"Get off me, my conference said you don't exist!"

First the first time since the inception of the Bowl Championship Series we've got two undefeated non-BCS-conference teams. And luckily there's enough BCS spots to cover those two teams this season. Because if this happened four years ago, before the BCS expanded to five games, there would have been six spots going to the BCS conference champs, one spot for 12-1 Florida, and only one left over for Boise State or TCU. That is how this system works. Three times out of four, the undefeated non-BCS team has triumphed over their adversary. And yet, two of those three times the undefeated WAC/MWC school has finished behind a one-loss Florida team for the championship.

There are many mathematical equations used in the Bowl Championship Series, but it could all be summed up as:

undefeated non-BCS school < SEC school with losses

Of course that equation has only proven to be true 50% of the time:

2008 Sugar Bowl: Georgia 41 - Hawaii 10
2009 Sugar Bowl: Utah 31 - Alabama 17

----------------GAME TIME--------------------------

Just some running thoughts as the game happens:

- Thanks to Fox for breaking out the D-team announcers. I almost didn't notice because I live in St. Louis and hear these jokers do the few not blacked out Rams games.

- INT for touchdown. I don't know where the receiver was on that play, better put out an Amber alert.

- I was apparently unaware that there was an elongated "s" in Boi-ssssssssssssss-e

- If advertisers don't buy space because they are worried there's not a potential for a large "casual" fan base to watch, does Fox just sell the remaining time to AT&T and Verizon?

- I wonder if Titus Young wants to get in on this Chris Johnson, Usain Bolt race?

- If Luke Wilson's pitching a phone network in the woods and no one is around to hear him, will he quit commercials and go back to making crappy movies?

- Wow, Kyle Wilson is good, TCU's pass protection is not. He knocked Dalton out. Wonder if he's ever blitzed an AT&T pitchman before?

- Let's welcome the "Boise State Plus-Sized Halftime Show" sponsored by a chocolate company.

- 10-10, this is not what I expected.

- I wonder if Kyle Wilson could be long lost brothers with Luke and Owen. Maybe Luke just did so many commercials to show support for his Boise State brother.

- Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, 3 and out..... 3 and out..... Ooooh 4 and out........ And 4 and pick.

- Or maybe Luke did the commercials because Owen is the Alec and he's the Billy.

- The punt to end all punts. What a roll. Can TCU go 99 yards in 1:16?

- Yes, I think they can. 69 yards in roughly 30 seconds.

- And that's not going to do it. It was a bad pass but most receivers try to catch with their hands, not their facemasks buddy. Although it did work in the acclaimed film "Necessary Roughness". That movie was pretty far from reality though. Expecting us to believe that Scott Bakula was a quarterback, or that Kathy Ireland was a real person and not just a figment of the collective libido fueled imaginations of millions of adolescent boys.

Yeah, we heard how that really worked out in Colorado

- Well the BCS really came out smelling like roses on this one. TCU is upset and Boise State is to far back in the polls to challenge for a split title. We're never getting a playoff. Thanks again football gods, way to F us in the A.

Another Year of BCS Screwjobs. PART I: Which Two BCS Undefeateds Belong in the Title Game?

2009-12-20T17:17:00Z

Last year we devoted substantial time and energy to complaining about the ridiculous BCS math that rewarded a title opportunity to Oklahoma over a number of deserving candidates. We expended more words discussing the way some BCS conferences get rewarded for scheduling weak opponents while their brethren of the BCS cloth get condemned for playing tougher teams. And in the end, after bowl season, we used the Mayan Calender, the Map to Shangri-La, and some shit from the Da Vinci Code to develop a ranking system that rated the top conference in college football once you weed out all the hype and actually look at the quality of teams they beat. Of course, it amounted to a big fucking waste of time. We had no gripe with the quality of the eventual champion, only the team the BCS Gods decided should be sacrificed at the feet of said champion. In all, it was a spot of fun as our cousins across the pond would say. But they don't care about college football so they, like us, consider the BCS bollucks.

Last year a round of 3 card poker between athletic directors decided the three way tie for who would Big 12 champion (all the prospective team had to do was defeat Missouri, not a major concern). Oklahoma's A.D. took home the flush and the Big 12 dealer's response was, "not you again". Oklahoma promptly went out, beat Missouri, and then did what it does best in BCS Bowl games... lost... for the fifth time in a row. So this season the powers-that-be in the Big 12 put out a hit on Oklahoma Heisman winning QB Sam Bradford to ensure the Sooners wouldn't be alive to represent them in national competition again. What America is left with is the Texas Longhorns. An undefeated Big 12 team with an experienced big game quarterback. A team that is so qualified they squeaked by with a last minute field goal in their conference title game.

Man this thing is heavy, you want me to lift if with my right arm?

Texas vs Alabama is actually a pretty solid title game with very little to gripe about for BCS haters. There were 5 undefeated teams: Texas, Bama, Cincinnati, TCU, and Boise State. By this point you should be aware that Texas plays in the Big 12 and Alabama plays in the hall of glory named the SEC. However, if Texas had lost the Big 12 the BCS would need to fill the championship with one of the other undefeateds.

Because Cincinnati plays in the Big East, the red-headed stepchild of the BCS, they would have been a suitable opponent for the BCS's greater good. However, they lack the drawing power of a Texas or Florida. TCU and Boise State are from the unwanted conferences the BCS was designed to collude against. They represent a nether region of college football where teams get to play against potential champions, but don't get to play for a championship. More than likely, neither of them would have ever been let in the title game. Not with a Texas loss, a Cincinnati loss, or an Alabama campus outbreak of swine flu. When Texas's Big 12 winning field goal went through the uprights a giant sigh of relief from BCS headquarters caused a blizzard on the east coast. Now the BCS governors wouldn't have to unveil their fiendish plan to stop these lesser teams from playing in the championship, an Alabama v Florida rematch.

You decide what's worse: a SEC title game rematch or this?

So is the Big East really that bad of a conference? Why did Cincinnati never have a real shot if both they and Texas were undefeated? Using our basic pre-bowl breakdowns from last season lets take a look at each conference. This is a basic comparison to measure the overall wins and losses from each conferences' non-conference games. Because the BCS conferences insist that their strength of schedule is what makes them superior to the others in the top division. Therefore all all BCS opponents are considered the same strength whether they be Texas or Baylor. Just as all Non-BCS opponents are considered the same whether they be Utah or Utah State.

Conference	vs BCS Opponents	vs Non-BCS Opponents	vs FBS Sub Division Opponents
SEC	10-4 (71%)	21-2 (91%)	11-0
ACC	8-9 (47%)	10-7 (59%)	13-1 (93%)
BIG 10	4-7 (36%)	19-5 (79%)	9-0
BIG 12	4-7 (36%)	22-6 (78%)	9-0
PAC 10	6-5 (55%)	11-4 (73%)	4-0
BIG EAST	7-7 (50%)	16-0 (100%)	10-0

An interesting thing happens in between the lines here. It isn't that the Big East has a better winning percentage in non-conference games than the Big 12. But the fact that the Big East, despite having four fewer teams, scheduled more BCS opponents. In fact the Big 12 didn't even average one BCS opponent per team in non-conference play. How could that happen? Because Texas, the number 2 team in the country and the potential national title holder, didn't play a non-conference game against a BCS team. Cincinnati played two, including one on the road. And now I hear the faint beckoning of demons calling us to the dark side, "but Texas plays in the Big 12 and their conference is much tougher."

Yes o' wise and hallowed voices of old world, the Big 12 is every year exactly the same level of difficulty. This season Texas had important conference games against ranked teams: Nebraska ( #22 in final BCS), Oklahoma State (#19 in final BCS). Meanwhile Cincinnati's "weaker" Big East conference schedule pitted them against West Virginia (#16 in final BCS) and Pittsburgh (#17 in final BCS). Those conference schedules seem strikingly similar if not favorable towards Cincy. In non-conference play the Bearcats even went on the road to beat Oregon State (#18 in final BCS). Texas, not so much. Even Alabama made up for their joke game, Chattanooga (they get around, laid down for Oklahoma last year), by taking on Virginia Tech (#11 in final BCS) in a neutral site.

Here's a breakdown of the top 3 teams:

	TEXAS	ALABAMA	CINCINNATI
RECORD	13-0	13-0	12-0
WINS vs RANKED OPPONENT	2	3	3
% of WINS vs BCS FOES	69%	77%	75%
FBS WINS (= bad)	0	1	1
WINS vs BOWL TEAMS	8	9	7

In the end it's pretty close. Texas and Alabama each got a ranked opponent win thanks to their conference championship games. Alabama certainly looks the strongest other than that Chattanooga win. Some people think Cincinnati would benefit from a move to the Big 10. And that could help, in terms of giving them more consideration in the polls while allowing them to play a weaker schedule. Should Cincinnati have been in over Texas? Four of the six computer polls thought so, but the humans voted to keep good ol' historically good Texas. The Big 12 after all is equally strong every season, right?

Letters from South of the Border

2009-12-19T17:18:00Z

During a two week span I was engrossed in four sporting events that did not include American football, hockey or basketball. (Only because I'm starting this timeline after the Monday night game between Green Bay & Baltimore) My fascination with these events may cause my American citizenship into question. The following excerpts display an unhealthy addiction to "the beautiful game". It began south of the border during the Champions League and the first leg of the Mexican final between Cruz Azul and Monterrey, and it concludes with notes on the Club World Cup Final between Barcelona and Estudiantes. I will be piecing this together with notes taken from my cell phone and random bar napkins.

Dec-8-2009 Real Madrid vs Marseille, UEFA Champions League

Apparently ESPN Deportes has lost the rights to the UEFA Champions League. This is great for me at home where Fox Soccer is carried by my cable provider. No small victory considering that provider refuses to carry more than one Spanish language station. However, in Puerto Vallarta I now have to find a sports bar who carries the matches. Even more disappointing is that ESPN has replaced the Champions League in Mexico with the same crap they broadcast in America: World Series of Poker in Espanol, Cheerleading in Espanol, PTI & Around the Horn in Espanol only with different journalists. I'm getting the highlights on Futbol Picante, the soccer highlight show on Deportes, it's like NFL Live for Mexico. Amidst the shots of Christiano Ronaldo putting in a free kick from 30-something yards is a topic of discussion, my Spanish is pretty borderline but I believe it's asking if Real Madrid bought a spot in the knockout stage for the Champions League. Is there a question about that? When you spend $250 million on transfers I think you're not only buying a spot in the knockout, you're hoping for the finals.

Dec-10-2009 Monterrey vs Cruz Azul, Mexican Apetura Final 1st Leg

Found a local sports bar in Puerto Vallarata to watch the first leg of the Mexican final. In Mexico their soccer season is very different than anything in the US or Europe. Much like most South and Central American countries they break their season into two halves. Apetura and Clausara (opening and closing) The season spans roughly the same time frame as the English Premier League or to bring to term a baby conceived during a late party night during training camp, around 9 months. The nice thing for fans of the teams is that there are 2 championships. Really this isn't too different than in England or Spain where they have the league champion and the tournament champion. Much like college football bowl trophies, there's a lot of hardware to go around.

It's a monsoon in Monterrey and yet these players have put two goals in the net during the first 10 minutes. The Mexican League is run-and-gun without the physical nature of the Premier League. Very similar to Big 12 football. Cruz Azul put Monterrey's first goal in their own net but recovered quickly with a nice set piece. At 17' Riveros puts one in off a corner from Chavez. Cruz Azul up 2-1. This place hasn't figured out how to make money off of appetizers. $5 for 8 wings, plus salad and fries? Mr. Friday or Mr. Wild Wings should school Mexico on how to jack up the price of appetizers for profitability.

Lots of locals in this bar want Monterrey to win. Every time the ball gets close to goal the place erupts with applause. And in the Mexican game a lot of those close shots go in. The final is 4-3 Monterrey. That own goal really stings Azul. Plus Cruz Azul dropped everyone back to play defense the entire 2nd half. You can't wait out a 3-1 advantage in the Mexican Primera Division. You either attack or fall by their attack. I've just realized that those wings didn't specify they were from a chicken. I guess pigeon wings would be pretty cheap.

Dec-12-2009 Atlante vs Auckland, FIFA Club World Cup

At the airport in Vallarta. I love cultural differences, over the loudspeaker they keep announcing that a flight to Kansas is boarding. I wonder if they've picked a specific place in Kansas or are just going to land on I-70. Found a place with American looking chicken wings. I love Mexico, but after a week I get tired of the food. I always end up craving a burger or sandwich. These wings are not good. The bones are dyed red. They are way too big to be pigeon though. Up on the television they're broadcasting the FIFA Club World Cup. Atlante is the North/Central American (CONCACAF) representative. Although Central America has some good teams, the Mexican teams really dominate the CONCACAF Champions League. And currently Atlante is handing it to Auckland 3-0. Auckland City may be a dominant force in the Oceanic Football Confederation, but they stand about as much of a chance of winning this tournament as I do of finishing these wings without toxifying the aircraft with "bbq wing fallout".

Dec-13-2009 Cruz Azul vs Monterrey, Mexican Apetura Final 2nd Leg

Second leg of the Mexican final and I'm finally back in the US. Now it's a little more difficult to find the game thanks to my cable provider's unwillingness to carry multiple popular Spanish language stations. Of course my cable provider is unwilling to carry NFL Network either, so that tells you about their quality of service. Luckily I've found an international website that carries sports from around the globe and I've located the match. I've managed to chase my wife out of the room despite the fact that she's a big Cruz Azul fan. She wanted to watch Heroes, I complained about our internet provider's bandwidth. That's such a dirty term.

Although Cruz Azul's prevent defense killed them in the first leg, they only need a one goal win to seal the championship. The two-legged-tie is a strange system to Americans who are used to odd numbered playoff series. If each team wins a game the tie breaker is the total goals scored. If the number is even, the second tie-breaker is the total goals each team scored on the road. Cruz Azul has a huge road goal advantage thanks to their performance at Monterrey. All they have to do is hold Monterrey to two goals or less and win by one. It's not going to happen. Early in the second half Monterrey is up. And after an equalizer by Azul the lead jumps right back to Monterrey in the closing minutes. Somehow Humberto Suazo is left alone to break against the overmatched Cruz Azul keeper. Suazo is probably headed to England in the January transfer window so it was a sweet good-bye goal for the Monterrey supporters. Monterrey's first title since 2003. Cruz Azul's 3rd loss in a championship game in little over a year (Apetura 2008, CONCACAF Champions League, Apetura 2009).

Dec-15-2009 Estudiantes vs Pohang Steelers, FIFA Club World Cup Semifinal

This tournament has just recently become an annual event for the champions of the six confederations. Previously only the champions of South America and Europe would compete against each other for the title. And actually not much has really changed. Although there are now representatives from North/Central America, Africa, Asia, and the Oceanic confederations, every championship game pits the European champ against the South American champ. Estudiantes is an Argentinean club and the South American (CONMEBOL) champions. The Pohang Steelers hail from South Korea, but feature a Brazilian striker, Denilson.

I'm kind of drifting in and out of this game as I lie on my couch. What wakes me up is Denilson scoring while Pohang is actually down a man. A minute later they lose another player via red card. And five minutes later Pohang's goalie manages to get the team's 3rd red card of the match. They're down to 8 players, without a goalkeeper, and they are only losing 2-1 to the South American champs! Denilson moves into goal and they stall the game for 5 minutes to find him a different colored jersey. Apparently the Steelers traveled all the way from South Korea to Abu Dhabi and forgot to bring a spare goal shirt. Denilson not only has to switch from striker to goalie, he now has to don the old keeper's sweaty jersey. In the end Denilson and the Steelers fend off the last twenty minutes of Estudiantes 11 on 8 attack, but can't muster an equalizer.

Dec-16-2009 Atlante vs Barcelona, FIFA Club World Cup Semifinal

Barcelona finished their previous season by earning a European Treble. In one season they won their home league: La Liga, the UEFA Champions League, and the Spanish Cup: Copa del Rey. Only four other teams in the history of the European game have accomplished that feat. In addition, they have earned themselves the UEFA Supercup and the Supercup de Espana this season. If they claimed this Club World Cup trophy they would be owners of all six trophies which they are eligible to compete for in one year. No team has ever completed a Sextuple. Is this current Barcelona club the greatest team in the history of the game?

I'm an amateur at this whole soccer thing. I do know this, in order to be in this competition they had to win the UEFA Champions League Final. In that match they competed against a Manchester United team who were the defending champions of the English Premier League, the UEFA Champions League, the Carling Cup, the Community Shield and this tournament. That United team owned 5 of the 7 trophies they were eligible for (England has two domestic tournaments while Spain has only one). If Barcelona wins this tournament they are much like the Karate Kid: the best around.

Atlante goes up 1-0 on a fluke goal and holds onto the lead for a half an hour. Barcelona equalizes and is dominating in terms of possession. I think it's close to 80-20. In the second half Barca's wonder-coach Pep Guardiola subs in the "injured" superstar Argentinian Lionel Messi. Messi's in for less than a minute before blows past the Atlante defense, takes a brilliant pass and puts it in the back of the net. He's the best player in the world, Barca probably is the best team in the world. Final 3-1.

Dec-18-2009 UEFA Champions League Draw

The UEFA Champions league draw. Wow, someone wants to make this tournament tough on the Italians and English. 2008 Champions Manchester United will matchup against former golden boy David Beckham's AC Milan, the 2007 Champions. Chelsea, the current Premiere League leader and defending FA Cup champ, get the defending Italian league champ Inter Milan. Maybe the UEFA figures the Italians can't fix games if the English are involved. Either way these matchups put the top two teams from two of the top three countries in Europe against each other. Not to mention the top two countries for hooliganism. For you American's imagine Raiders vs Eagles, where both teams are really good.

Real Madrid paid 35 million Euros for striker Karim Benzema, and now gets to face off against his former team Lyon. Arsenal gets the Portuguese defending champs FC Porto. Meanwhile the other Spanish teams, Sevilla and Barcelona, draw a Russian team that dropped a few rungs in its home league, CSKA Moskow, and a German team that's borderline on relegation, Stuttgart, respectively. At this point you probably couldn't convince me that this system isn't as rigged as an NBA game.

Dec-19-2009 Arsenal vs Hull City, Pohang Steelers vs Atlante, Barcelona vs Estudiantes

Arsenal v Hull pits a Big 4 Premier League club against a team that found itself under threat of relegation from the top flight of English soccer last season. Imagine Colts and Rams. Not much has improved for Hull City. I was hoping to see American Jozy Altidore on the pitch for Hull. Manager Phil Brown did not elect to start him today, he was probably too busy chatting with his wife about the groceries on that wireless microphone that's permanently attached to his head to watch practice. There was an excellent altercation a couple minutes ago where Aresnal's Samir Nasri got shoved in the face after possibly cleating a Hull City player. Emotions ran high goalies sprinted across the field to join in the fray. Soccer fights are roughly the equivalent of a hits batsmen in a MLB game, without the occasional karate kicks or old man tossing, essentially five minutes with lots of shoving. Arsenal goes on to win 3-0. It was never in doubt.

I'm waiting for the Club World Cup final to begin. Meanwhile the Steelers and Atlante have gone into free kicks to determine the third place winner. Atlante's already missed 2 kicks. And Pohang's Park Hee-Chul can put away the third place trophy win one kick and.... he missed it. This is worse than missing free throws, the goalie stands little chance in these situations. The goal is too big and the distance the ball has to travel is too short. In the fifth round Atlante's goalie, the Argentinian Frederico Vilar, is going to be a kicker and then try to save Pohang's last chance to survive to the next kicks. Wow, Vilar has a leg, that was like a Brett Favre pass and the goalie ducked out of the way like a receiver with four already broken fingers. However, Vilar cannot stop the final shot by the Steelers and the Asian team wins 3rd place. Fourth time in a row that a CONCACAF team has failed to place in the top three.

Estudiantes came out to play. With a goal in the 1st half to take the lead, they look able to stand up to the best team in Europe. However in the second half they make the fatal mistake of dropping back on defense and waiting to counter-attack. And with superior passing Barcelona bleeds them dry, tying the game in the 89'. Good game until now for the Argentinean club but now they're going into added extra time against a Barcelona team that's found its second wind. 110'. Messi. He's the best player in the world. And Barcelona's the best club in the world.

Tiger Woods Is Still Better Than You

2009-12-15T22:07:00Z

Dear Media,

Since the incidents of Thanksgiving night you seemingly have gone out of your way to tarnish the image of a sports icon. You've implied gross misconduct including adultery, drug use, spousal abuse, and poor driving skills. Some of those accusations were later proved to be accurate, but you hurled them prior to proof as if to condemn out of pure jealousy. You've viciously torn at the fragile fabric of a man who seemed too perfect to be true. You pulled at the loose threads of his wholesome image until it unraveled into a mess of harems and the infidelity associated with such gatherings. You tore apart another man's family because he is worth billions, is recognized world wide, and is better at a game than you ever dreamed to be at anything. And though he may lose sponsors, his wife, the respect of the public, and his chance at breaking golf's major record, one thing still hasn't changed...

Tiger Woods is still better than you.

Better at golf, better at getting paid to hock shit, in better shape, better at knocking over public property, younger, richer, and at least for the time being married to a hotter wife. And that probably drives you crazy. He didn't need you to become rich. He didn't need you to be the best at his chosen profession. He didn't need your hook up to get bottle service behind a velvet rope with a handful of gold digging skanks.

What outcome did you hope for with this display of jaded vengeance? Did you secretly hope that he would realize he's snubbed you too many times and now you can be buddy buddy. You are acting like a spoiled crying child who's tired of having his letters to his idol not returned.

And now after years of being spurned, you have your chance to burn the beloved icon you feel you created. You flash Times v. Sullivan like it's a search warrant into another human's private life. After all, he chose to be a public figure by being groomed to put a small white ball in a little white cup for money. He chose to have the press jaded towards based on his right to be seclusive. He chose to make a important difference in America by being the first African-American to win a green jacket from one of the most racist institutions in the United States. He didn't, that we know of, cheat to become better at putting that ball in the cup from long distances. However forthwith, you will do your best to link him to PED's as to steal what's left of the man's soul.

In summation, a man has made multiple mistakes that will cost him his wife and family. These mistakes will probably alienate him from his children over the next few decades. His suffering would have happened with or without you and yet you took it as your charge to broadcast this man's private life to the nation. Now his private shame and suffering is public shame and speculation. You've successfully given his gold-digging tramps their 15 minutes of fame. You'd probably offer them a reality show for next fall season if you believe it'll score you a few bucks.

Hope you feel good about yourself,

Sporty

What to do With Incognito Version 2.0

2009-12-14T23:00:00Z

Oh how things never change. New coach,check. New management, check. New owners, waiting on it. Same penalty ridden offensive line featuring a crazed lunatic at starting guard, check. After four years of insanity a Rams coach finally released Richie Incognito after another one of the lineman's trademark personal foul penalties. Last year we took a look at what teams around the league would offer for Richie's services. Before they released him they probably sent out some tests around the league to see what teams would offer this season....

- The Houston Texans are in the middle of a playoff push and would only part with mini t-shirt signed by their cheerleaders.

- The Titans would take on Incognito in exchange for Jeff Fisher's mustache.

- The Colts weren't very interested in disturbing their great team make up. But they could have been convinced to take Richie if the Rams were willing to purchase all of the NFL commercial time not featuring Peyton Manning and fill it with an infomercial about Peyton Manning, featuring Peyton Manning.

- The Jaguars could use some of Incognito's fighting spirit as they battle for their playoff lives. They'd would have been willing to part with all of Maurice Jones-Drew's fantasy points for the remainder of the season.

- The Saints, much like the Colts, weren't too interested in disrupting their chemistry. However, they would have traded the Rams the rights to 200 PSL's for hurricane seating at the Superdome. (What, too soon?)

- Carolina would have let the Rams secondary have some practice time with Jake Delhomme in order to build their confidence.

- The Buccaneers are always willing to part with coordinators.

- The Falcons would have taken on Incognito in exchange for a truckload of leftover Michael Vick jerseys.

- San Diego offered Tila Tequila and a US Weekly article to be named later.

Great idea for a reality show. It involves Tila Tequila, a Mercedes, Leonard Little, and a bottle of Cognac

- Kansas City has been adapting to the in-your-face coaching style of Todd Haley, and would have accepted a trade if the Rams would purchase some spit guard attachments for the face masks of it's players.

- The Raiders feel that an asset like Incognito is worth a much as a former 1st round pick... as long as that former 1st round pick is JaMarcus Russell.

- The Broncos offered the publishing rights to the recently discovered manuscript of Jay Culter's autobiography: "Better than Elway"

- The Giants are now second guessing their decision to cut ties with Plaxico, for merely shooting himself in the leg, and would have liked to know the contact information for the St. Louis attorney who successfully defended Leonard Little through two drunk driving incidents, one of which involved manslaughter.

- The Eagles think that husky sized coaches are more efficient and therefore would have traded Andy Reid's personal catering staff for Incognito.

- The Redskins didn't have a lot to offer. How about Laron Landry's wristwatch?

- The Cowboys needed someone to fire up their team and were willing to part with 3 cheerleaders.

- Green Bay desperately needs offensive line help and put together a package involving Brett Favre bobbleheads, some fried cheese curds, and the essence of Jordy Nelson.

- The Bears are also in need of offensive line repair and tried to top both Carolina and Green Bay's offers with a package including a confidence boosting practice session for the Rams secondary featuring Jay Culter, the keys to their spaceship, and Orlando Pace.

Jay Cutler's intercepted passes aren't the only UFO's in Chicago

- Minnesota is having a great season and wouldn't want to hurt their team. But Jared Allen needs a new redneck hunting buddy to show his sack-dance to on those cold country nights, so they offered the Rams the complete Tavaris Jackson Christmas basket including a Tavaris Jackson jersey, Tavaris Jackson bobblehead, Tavaris Jackson poster, and Tavaris Jackson.

- Detroit is in as bad of shape as the Rams. How does an autographed Joey Harrington jersey sound?

- The Buffalo Bills hoped Richie has his passport because he'd be coming with them to Toronto in exchange for 4,000 Canadian dollars, which roughly translates to $4 Million now thanks to the democratic majority.

- The Jets invested a ton of money into a quarterback who can't play in cold weather. They'd have taken Incognito, but only if the roof to the Edward Jones Dome is included in the trade.

- The Patriots would swap Incognito for their most valuable asset, some of Tom Brady's seed which they've been using to genetically grow super athlete/models in Bill Belichick's secret game film viewing room.

- The Dolphins may have been willing to part with their high school playbook.

- The Cardinals offered a free subscription to Matt Leinart's personal live hot tub party webcam site.

Just studying the playbook coach!

- San Francisco likes toughness in it's players. For Richie they'd have traded an autographed picture of Mike Singletary's full moon.

- Seattle would have traded that random shade of green that appears on their uniforms.

- Pittsburgh is fading fast. Incognito may be able to help them protect Ben Roethlisberger a little better and so he's at least worth a lock of Troy Polamalu's hair.

- The Browns would have taken Incognito in exchange for a section worth of dog masks, which are good for hiding the shame of watching a losing team for decades.

- The Ravens were willing to part with Ed Reed's beard.

- Cincinatti has an uncharacteristically good team this year with few off the field problems. But most of Incognito's problems are on the field so he would have fit in nicely in exchange for Chad Johnson's Carrot-Top-esque trunk of props.

In Our Humble Opinion

2009-11-30T22:59:00Z

I was thinking that Sporty needed a running segment in which we get to spout our nonsensical opinions about the current events in the sporting world. Then I realized that Killer already had created a "Rants and Raves" section that we hadn't been using. (Because we update with such vigor) So I will now hijack Killer's column for a day because I don't have time to properly execute my original idea.

RANT

I've spent my last two articles covering the baseball awards and most specifically blasting sabermetricians. In reality the old-school way of voting for awards based on a player's history and popularity was probably worse than using advanced analysis. However, I still think it's absolute nonsense to fault a pitcher for playing on a team with a good defense. If you're going to do that you don't need to fluff your argument or waste your time with meaningless equations. Just give the Cy Young to the pitcher who has the highest strikeouts per nine innings. If you're looking for the guy who missed the most bats, it's pretty fucking simple.

RAVE

All in all the baseball writers did a great job with the Cy Young and MVP voting. There were no real surprises and definately no East Coast bias. Grienke deserved the Cy more than anyone based on his awful prediciment of being a Royal. Albert is the best player in the game and Joe Mauer owned the AL. I'll even admit that Tim Lincecum is the best pitcher in the National League. And I'll further admit that I feel bad about the pot joke in my previous article. I've always believed that the only things pro-athletes owe sports fans is their performance on the field. Which leads me too........

RANT

Leave Tiger the fuck alone. I'm addressing purveyors of gossip who call themselves sportswriters like Mark Kriegel. Jason Whitlock already wrote the best article on this subject. But Tiger owes the media nothing. He didn't cheat at his chosen profession, the game of golf, so don't equate him to Alex Rodriguez. At what point did we decide that we own our professional athletes when they walk off of the field. This isn't an image issue, Tiger is a merchandising icon because he's the best ever at his game and was taught to be that since day one. He never invited the media into his life and never told the sponsers he was as pure as Christ. Just because you're jealous of him and want to see him suffer, doesn't mean he owes you the satisfaction of making his private failures public.

RAVE

Elin Nordegren, nice short game.

This is not PGA approved dress, but I imagine the ratings would skyrocket.

RANT

Thierry Henry, you cheating bastard. While Tiger may have stolen your thunder with his "transgressions", your cheating set the world on fire two weeks prior. You are a star for two of the great power's in the football world, France and Barcelona. Yet, for all the glory you've had in your career you somehow found it necessary to tarnish your name and the credibility of the sport that made you a global icon. It was a blatant hand ball. You're now public enemy #1 in Ireland and for the entire time your country participates in the World Cup competition they will be playing under the shadow of your misconduct. You might as well have downed a couple gallons of human growth hormone or smacked around a couple call girls. In America our journalists act like children while our fans forgive and forget, for the most part. But in the world's beautiful game the fans run the show, and you are a wanted man now. Retiring to the MLS may not be too far off.

RAVE

Blackburn beats a full strength Chelsea squad in the Carling Cup, setting up final which will have only one Big Four squad at the most.... The Rams are doing their damnedest to get the #1 pick in the draft. Good show boys, rebuilding is more important than winning now. Jimmy Johnson went 1-15 in his first year as Cowboys coach, it's not a big deal to suck while reorganizing.... Albert Pujols 3-time MVP.

If Sporty Got the Keith Law Interview

2009-11-20T21:21:00Z

After the Cy Young voting was announced and ballots were made public. Keith Law was one of only 2 voters to exclude Chris Carpenter on his ballot. Naturally he irked a large percentage of Cardinal Nation. He did an interview with 101.1 ESPN radio in St. Louis the day the award was announced. It was a heated and remarkably amusing exchange but we couldn't help but wonder what we would have asked him if he came on our show... that is if we had a show, we're working on that. So here are Keith Law's real answers from the 101.1 interview, mixed with the questions that we would have asked if given the privilege to do the interview, parody intended.

Sporty – Good to have you here Keith. How are you?

Keith Law - Good thanks, how are you guys

Sporty – Sparkling. Let's get down to brass tacks. You left a 17-4 pitcher with a 2.24ERA off of your Cy Young ballot in favor of Javy Vasquez who was15-10 with a 2.87 ERA. Why are you such a tool?

Keith Law – Well, for several reasons.

Sporty – But why would you even think about putting Vasquez in there?

Keith Law - One is just that he, like Lincecum and Wainwright provided more bulk value to his team by throwing more innings. Vasquez I think had the smallest gap over Carpenter with 27 or so innings. You know, the equivalent of 3complete games. That's a pretty significant advantage and Carpenter would have had to have been much more effective in the innings that he threw to close the value gap with Vasquez. And another major reason is that defense counts and we have to, when trying to evaluate a pitcher value we have to back that out of the equation. Carpenter and Wainwright both got significant help from their defense because the Cardinals fielded a pretty defensive club this year. Whereas Vasquez and Lincecum really weren't helped by their defenses, they weren't hurt much by them, which is surprising because Lincecum played in front of a lousy defensive club. But they weren't helped by them and once you look at some of the more advanced statistics that try to tease out pitching value vs defensive value, uh, Vasquez really rose above all the pitchers in the National League except for Tim Lincecum who just lapped the field. To me Lincecum was clearly above every one else. And then you have I think a lot of arguments about how you would order the next four guys in the league, two Cardinals guys, Javy Vasquez, and Dan Haren, who is who Will Carroll voted for over Carpenter.

Sporty – So, bottom line, Javy Vasquez promised you half of his of his $70,000 bonus if you could get him into fourth place?

Keith Law - No, that's not what I said. Uh, he provided less value.

Sporty – Less than half, got it. Look, since you've got such an impressive knowledge of baseball help me out with this. I recently lost in the finals of an RBI Baseball tournament. I was the American League All-Stars. My friend was the National League All-Stars. He won by one run in the tenth inning, what the hell happened?

Keith Law - He played on a better defensive team and got more help from his defense. He did less himself. He put more balls in play. Now you put those same balls in play in front of an inferior defense and you get worse results. This is sort of one of the major breakthroughs, I would say, in baseball analysis in the last 10 years, is giving us some kind of separation between the value of pitching and the value of defense.

Sporty – But that game's stats are all screwed up, George Brett isn't a right handed hitter and Rick Sutcliffe never had a 1.12 ERA. Seems like poor analysis to create statistics that make some players look better than they actually were.

Keith Law - Well,it's certainly not poor analysis its actually accurate analysis.

Sporty – You're telling me that you have formulas that can prove Rick Sutcliffe's ERA should have been lower and George Brett hit right handed? I've seen Brett play in person and he swung left-handed.

Keith Law - {Laughing in wiener voice} I don't know if you have a background in analysis to question the quality of my analysis.

Sporty – Do you ever watch baseball games or do you just back out of the stadium after the National Anthem?

Keith Law - The question is, how much do you back out?

Sporty – You think it's more important to read statistical analysis on a pitcher rather than watch him pitch first hand, before voting on something as important as the Cy Young award?

Keith Law - What we know about pitchers is they can do one of four basic things with a hitter. Strike a guy out, give up a walk, give up a home run, or give up a ball in play. Well the first three it's fairly absolute what happens next, but with a ball in play it can become an out, it can become a hit, and it can become a hit obviously various kinds of hits. The things a pitcher can do most to help his team, the thing that a pitcher can do most to help his team, the things he can do strike more guys out reducing the risk of a ball in play that becomes a single or a double or a triple, avoid home runs, avoid walks.

Sporty – Well yeah, I guess if a pitcher has that little responsibility his job's pretty easy. He can just spend his off days smoking pot, hitting teammates with pies, and playing Guitar Hero.

Keith Law - Tim Lincecum was the best in the National League at doing those 3 critical things. And keeping balls out of play.

Sporty - But baseball hitters are almost legendary if they succeed 3 out of 10 times. Why shouldn't more pitchers just play the percentages and let the batters hit the ball, Wainwright and Carpenter do? The efficiency will give pitchers more time to play Guitar Hero.

Keith Law - If you can tell me exactly how much credit we should give back to Carpenter and Wainwright because they were deliberately trying to pitch to contact as opposed to being unable to strike more guys out I'd love to hear it. But we don't know that. But I'm not willing to arbitrarily just make up a figure for that, I think that would be totally irresponsible. I use the most advanced statistics that I have seen that are available outside of the proprietary work done for Major League teams, to try and evaluate who are the best pitchers in the National League and put them in the proper order this year. And that's the order in which I voted.

Sporty - Do your advanced statistics tell you who would win between Adam Wainwright and a Level 20 Dwarf if Waino rolled a 16?

Keith Law - I don't understand what the question is.

Sporty - Wait a damn minute. Dave Duncan told me that guys like you grew up playing dice rolling games because no one would pick you for sports.

Keith Law - I didn't say Dave Duncan was wrong.

Sporty - So since you're the expert, who wins Waino or the Dwarf? Or should we just ignore Dave Duncan's ramblings altogether?

Keith Law - Again I'm not really sure what the question is. You're asking me if pitchers should ignore their pitching coach?

Sporty - Jesus no. I don't know how these games are played. Isn't there a dice roll baseball which is based on player stats on the back of his card, and a dice roll Dungeons and Dragons game which is based on the costumes you make for yourself? Can those worlds not intersect? Can Adam Wainwright from the baseball game world only do battle with the Dwarf from D&D if he becomes a Knight or something?

Keith Law - You're asking me if Adam Wainwright goes to another team is he going to be a completely different pitcher. I don't know that any more than you do. We don't know at all.

Sporty - Another team? Duncan tells me you're an expert at dice rolling games but you can't give me an answer. And Duncan tells Wainwright to pitch to contact and you won't give him a Cy Young?

Keith Law - That's what just about every pitching coach tells his guys to do. Dave Duncan happens to be particularly good at it. I have praised Duncan many times because I think he is an extremely effective pitching coach. I think his work with Joel Piniero is an excellent example of that.

Sporty - You're preaching to the choir about Piniero. Who do you think is more effective at picking awards, baseball writers or Nobel Prize voters?

Keith Law - I don't know it's my first vote.

Sporty - What about baseball writers and Grammy voters?

Keith Law - Don't really have any experience with that.

Sporty - Well I'd definitely put the outrage at you for your dismissal of Chris Carpenter up there with the Jethro Tull over Metallica reaction. What do you think of that?

Keith Law - I am amused tremendously by it. Because who cares. Why does some random Cardinals fan care whether or not Chris Carpenter won the Cy Young or not? By the way I didn't make the difference. If I put Carpenter second instead of Vasquez he still wouldn't have won the award. And I think it's pretty clear that Lincecum deserved to win the award. If there's a questions over whether Lincecum is the best pitcher in the National League or not, I don't really see that as that much of a discussion. He's clearly above everyone else. So why does it matter?

Sporty - The Cardinals went into the playoffs, while Lincecum faded when his team needed him during the stretch run.

Keith Law - That is absolutely incorrect, Lincecum pitched well in September. I mean have they changed the standings. Do they weigh games more in September now then the games in April?

Sporty - No but there's a clutch factor. I'm sure you'd understand competitive social dynamics if you ever played sports in your life.

Keith Law - See that's the type of old school nonsense that, to me, just does not have a place in baseball analysis.

Sporty - What's wrong with being old school or reminiscing about back in the day? When all the kids were getting suited up for sports what were putting on for your dice rolling contests?

Keith Law - Make up.

Sporty - No wonder you sound like a guy who's never seen a vagina.

Keith Law - I've spent this whole year traveling around the country, going to games. So that's a pretty bogus argument.

Sporty - Sorry for assuming. But it's still pretty clear that you're a dude who has to pay for sex.

Keith Law - Very clear.

Sporty - I bet that kind of come with the territory for guys who spend their free time creating advanced formulas to vote on awards for a glorified children's game.

Keith Law - And you know what, to the extent that people want to see the rationale for my vote, by all means I wrote an article on it today. Trying to explain it using the advanced statistics, but in a way that makes them accessible to people who aren't familiar say, wins above replacement or fielder independent pitching. Which are types of stats that major league front offices are actually using now to evaluate player performance. They're not as commonly heard in the mainstream media and I understand that a lot of fans may not be familiar with them. But I worked in a front office and understanding how Major League teams are approaching the question of historical value and also projecting forward. Those are the criteria and the types of statistics that I use in voting on this award.

Sporty - Criteria that outrages St. Louis, which is a dangerous city to visit let alone outrage.

Keith Law - Got some good emails so far from Cardinals fans who just wanted an explanation,wanted a little back and forth. You mentioned outrage and that's what just cracks me up. I don't understand that.

Sporty - Honestly though, if you could cross characters into different worlds, you would pick Lincecum over Carpenter to swing an axe for your party in a battle against slimy ogres?

Keith Law - Mmmmmm Not what I said and not the question we need to answer with the Cy Young award.

Sporty - So if all your analysis didn't lead you to the pitcher with the most wins, the pitcher with the most innings, the pitcher with the lowest ERA, or the pitcher who's quickest at decapitating ogres, than what were you voting for?

Keith Law -The question that I tried to answer was who provided the most value for his team this year among pitchers in the National League.

Sporty - So if you were either in a dice roll baseball playoff game, an RBI championship game, or some type of dungeon that may or may not contain a dragon, you'd vote for Tim Lincecum to be your go to guy?

Keith Law - That's not the same as who I'd want. And frankly the guy I'd want out of all these guys to start the first game of the playoffs is Tim Lincecum. I want a guy who can miss bats.

Sporty - Because the bats distract the warriors and block magic spells, right?

Keith Law - That's exactly what it is.

Sporty - I think I've got it now. Thank you for your insight on statistical analysis and dice games. I'm going to open this pack of Topps baseball cards so I can start a season of dice roll baseball. Do mind if I eat the stick of bubblegum?

Keith Law - No no go ahead.

Sporty - It's been great talking to you Keith. I hope that front offices still are as uninterested in hiring you as they have been for the previous 5 years so you're available to craft your formulas next season.

Keith Law - Take care.