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Bracket Completion and the Future of Kentucky's Title

2012-04-03T04:58:00Z

Monday night Bill Self and John Calipari battled again for the NCAA Basketball Championship. It was the second time they've shared a baseline with the trophy on the line, but only the first one that counts in NCAA history. Eventually we'll discover if Kentucky hangs their new banner with Velcro. But for now, the official championship game tally between the two coaches is Calipari 1 - Bill Self 0.

In the realm of brackets and the associated pools that accompany the NCAA tournament it was an imperfect year. No one even attempted a false claim of 100% in the media. With two number 2 seeds losing in the opening round, for the first time in history, most American brackets began to bleed red with incorrect picks.

How else could you explain this sad looking bracket being in the 89 percentile on Yahoo:

The SportyMcBloggin inaugural pick champion is W.H. Patton with a sorry, just above 50% pick percentage. Our resident college basketball expert, Ty Capron picked over 62% of the Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight Both he and Brian nailed 63% of their picks for the tournament. In the end, North Carolina did them both in. In a perfect world a healthy North Carolina probably defeats Kansas in the St. Louis regional final. But with a third-string point guard, the Tarheels weren't going to overcome the Jayhawks de-facto home-court advantage. Or the DOME FACTOR!

For such a strange tournament, it is almost unfitting that the best team won. It's a small coincidence that all three of us picked Kentucky to win. The Wildcats were the most dominant team in college basketball this season. Only a full-strength North Carolina or Syracuse could have potentially halted their championship run.

In five years we'll fondly remember how Kentucky kept finding another gear when an opponent offered a serious challenge. And then we'll sit back and watch the ESPN Films documentary about how their coach resigned in disgrace, their names were scratched from the record books, and their institution tarnished by their ineligibility. And it will seem appropriate to remark on how those freshmen turned pro at the perfect time.

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SportyMcBloggin's NCAA Brackets Die a Slow Death

2012-03-27T05:24:00Z

It is completely possible that everyones' brackets look like crap this year. Except that statement would imply that someone, in all the world of office pools, hadn't predicted a 1, 2, 2, 4 combination. It's a highly likely scenario. Every year, with the notable exception of last season, there is at least one number 1 seed in the semifinals. Having the remainder of the Final Four filled with 2, 3, or 4 seeds is not a long shot. So it is a reasonable assumption that someone, more likely many people, predicted all the contestants traveling to New Orleans. We, were not those people.

While there is a distinct chance that all of the editors at SportyMcBloggin will guess the winner of the tournament correctly. Much like our World Cup predictions in 2010, the correct guess of the champion masks our butchered bracket.

W.H. has spent too much time with Kansas fans in the previous week. Now he has the most to lose of any non-gambler/basketball player in the final games. If Kansas defeats Ohio State, W.H. wins the SportyMcBloggin NCAA Tournament Brackets Crown. If Kansas falls, W.H. gets what he deserves... third place. He's picked only 34 of 60 games correct. With traditional scoring that amounts for a 65. DOME FACTOR!

In one weekend Ty went from first to potentially last. He's got 38 of 60 games right, but only 71 points. Florida and Ohio St. got in his way this past weekend. But it's the Vanderbilt over Wisconsin pick that made all the difference. It is karmic that by missing two picks where Big 10 teams overcame, our Iowa fan loses to our Illinois fan. Live by the Big 10, die by the Big 10. (Should be the title of the Rich Rodriquez biography)

Brian Killer Kelley has 38 of 60 picks, same as Ty. But a second round (they call it third round now, but come on) pick is worth two points, while the round of 64 is worth only 1. With 72 points Brian is our leader, not bad for an Illinois fan. If Kansas wins in the semifinals his one point advantage becomes irrelevant. And if Kentucky doesn't win it all, we'll pretend this whole enterprise never happened. But if Kentucky does win it all, the NCAA will eventually ask everyone to pretend this tournament never happened.

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An Interview With Another Kansas Fan

2012-03-26T04:40:32Z

We're back at the NCAA Midwest Regional Finals in St. Louis, MO. Two nights ago we were able to interview a Kansas fan to get his take on the Sweet Sixteen round. But tonight we're not only joined by him, but we also have the privilege of talking to a young Kansas student. She has made the journey to St. Louis for the weekend.

Sporty: Are you guys pumped for the game?

KU Fan: BORING!

KU Student: WE'RE GETTING CRUNK IN THIS BITCH!

Sporty: Wow. You are certainly intoxicated ma'am.

KU Student: SUCK IT!

Sporty: OK, sorry for asking. How do you think the Jayhawks can overcome the favorite, North Carolina?

KU Fan: SHOOT THREE BALLS!

KU Student: WE'RE FUCKING SCORING OFF OURSELVES!

Sporty: I don't know if either of those strategies make sense...

KU Student: CATHOLIC GIRLS ARE SLUTS!

Sporty: Is that a cheer?

KU Student: I'M CATHOLIC!

Sporty: Well there are certainly plenty of other Kansas fans here ma'am. I'm sure you won't be lonely tonight. But is that like a "Rock Chalk" thing? You know, one of those cheers no one understands but Jayhawks fans?

KU Student: AAAHHHHHHHHH!

KU Fan: DOME FACTOR!

Sporty: Well I think that the stadium will certainly factor into the game tonight.

KU Student: FUCK TYSHAWN!

Sporty: Isn't he your best player? How could you win without him?

KU Fan: DON'T DRIVE, SHOOT THE THREE!

KU Student: FUCK ROY WILLIAMS!

Sporty: There certainly are a lot of Kansas fans that made the short trip from Lawrence. What is the deal with these people sitting and standing all the time?

KU Student: I'M CATHOLIC!

Sporty: That is actually the first thing either of you have said that's logical.

KU Fan: DOME FACTOR!

Sporty: Look there were 94 points in the first half, I don't think the dome is a factor.

KU Student: FUCK YOU!

KU Fan: TURN IT OVER!

Sporty: I understand this is intense, but can you describe how the game is making you feel without shouting?

KU Fan: BORING!

KU Student: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sporty: Sorry again. If this free throw goes in, you guys are headed to New Orleans.

KU Student: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sporty: Congratulations guys.

KU Student: CATHOLIC GIRLS ARE SLUTS!

KU Fan: DOME FACTOR!

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Berkman Apologizes for Using Words Bud Selig Doesn't Understand

2012-03-25T03:17:00Z

ST. LOUIS, Mo - Major League Baseball veteran Lance Berkman was forced to issue an apology for statements he made earlier in the week. During an interview discussing the Houston Astros move to the American League, Berkman alleged that commissioner Bud Selig extorted the team's divisional switch from Astros owner Jim Crane during purchase negotiations.

Selig reportedly took offense to the term 'extorted', to which he commented, "I have never heard of such a word. Is that an English word or has he learned it from one of the foreign players?" The commissioner was visibly upset and later extended his remarks, "People have told me that word means something fel-on-ious. I don't feel that Major League Baseball players should be using such sexual language in public interviews."

Immediately after making his public statements, Bud Selig was instructed on the definitions of felonious and extorted. Still, the commissioner was overheard shouting, "This is just like when they accused me of collusion! I don't speak French! I don't know what collusion is!"

When informed of how his accusations had shaken the boss of baseball, Berkman took it upon himself to mend fences with Selig. He phoned the commissioner and apologized for his remarks. "I wanted to apologize to Mr. Selig for accusing him of extortion, but he was busy reading a dictionary. After I explained some definitions to him, we talked for a while on how nouns and verbs worked. Perhaps it's because of the years I spent at Rice but I always imagined executive at top companies to have extensive vocabularies."

Berkman later apologized for the remarks he made during the interview about his original apology. "I want to make certain that no one took my comments to mean that the commissioner doesn't have an extensive vocabulary. And I would also like to further apologize to Mr. Selig. Sir, I know that you know many words and how to use them good."

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An Interview With A Kansas Fan

2012-03-24T05:53:00Z

We're here at the NCAA Tournament Midwest Regionals in St. Louis, Missouri to interview some fans and capture the atmosphere of the latter stages of this elimination tournament. We are standing in the makeshift metal stands which halve the football designed dome into a more manageable basketball arrangement. Next to us is a Kansas fan who is enjoying the games tonight.

Sporty: You've arrived at the games early tonight unlike many of your school's fans. Who are you rooting for in the Ohio vs North Carolina match up?

KU Fan: COME ON OHIO!

Sporty: Interesting choice. May I imply that you are afraid of meeting North Carolina in the next round?

KU Fan: BORING!

Sporty: Well, don't be offended. It's just that the North Carolina State fans are rooting for North Carolina because they want the pride of beating their rivals in the tournament.

KU Fan: THAT'S A FOUL REF! COME ON!

Sporty: Nobody touched anyone... nevermind. What do you think Ohio has to do to defeat the Tar Heels?

KU Fan: SHOOT THREE BALLS!

Sporty: That could work. But you keep shouting that immediately after they cross the half court line...

KU Fan: SHOOT THE THREE!

Sporty: Shouldn't they look for an open shot?

KU Fan: DOME FACTOR!

Sporty: Maybe I've watched too much Big 10 basketball, but isn't passing a generally accepted strategy?

KU Fan: STUPID BIG EAST REFS!

Sporty: I said Big 10.

KU Fan: EAST COAST BIAS!

Sporty: ...

KU Fan: BORING! THIS GAME IS BORING!

Sporty: Ohio just overcame a huge deficit. We're going into overtime?

KU Fan: SHOOT THE THREE!

Sporty: The Bobcats don't have the ball yet.

KU Fan: TURN IT OVER! SHOOT THREE BALLS!

Sporty: Well good advice. Hey the North Carolina State Band came out. Look, there's Waldo!

KU Fan: BORING! SHOOT THE THREE!

Sporty: Well, honestly it was a good effort. But North Carolina held on for the victory.

KU Fan: DOME FACTOR!

Sporty: What are you looking forward to when Kansas and NC State meet?

KU Fan: EAST COAST BIAS!

Sporty: Is North Carolina really in the East Coast media inner circle? It's not New York, Philly or Boston. Or even D.C.?

KU Fan: STUPID ACC REFS!

Sporty: Are they Big East or ACC refs? I don't have a program.

KU Fan: EAST COAST BIAS! SHOOT THE THREE!

Sporty: Are you sure about this bias? What about the home field advantage that Kansas has. Their dance team has been out on the floor around five times during commercial breaks while NC State's has been out once?

KU Fan: DOME FACTOR!

Sporty: That's certainly a way to sum that up.

KU Fan: SHOOT THE THREE!

Sporty: ...

KU Fan: THAT'S A FOUL!

Sporty: ...

KU Fan: THAT'S ANOTHER FOUL!

Sporty: Is everything bad that happens to the Jayhawks a foul?

KU Fan: FOUL!

Sporty: Where was the foul? What game are you watching? Was it clipping, catcher's interference, offside? Explain. Because I'm not entirely sure you know how this game is played.

KU Fan: THAT'S A FOUL! EAST COAST BIAS! DOME FACTOR!

Sporty: Well that's it for tonight. We'll be back on Sunday for the Midwest Regional Final because thanks to the one man in Kansas who understands the game of basketball, Bill Self, the Jayhawks have advanced to meet the Tar Heels. I can only imagine the wonderful wisdom our fan will bestow upon the likes of Roy Williams.

KU Fan: DOME FACTOR!

Logic Fails The Cardinals at Second Base

2012-03-23T01:50:00Z

This is a lesson to all general managers looking to exert control over their club: give the starting jobs to whomever you want. This tidbit of education may seem counter-intuitive. Baseball, like most sports, has a tradition where open jobs are won in the pre-season. That is the logical and time-honored way. But if you, as the general manager, are in favor of granting starter status to an underachieving former first round pick, it is in your best interest to give him the job before he fails in open competition.

Sometimes you may get lucky when your starter of three seasons, whom you've been trying to wrest the job from annually, falls injured during spring training. Skip Schumaker is a career .290 hitter who has contributed to two World Series winning squads, but his defense at the second base position has always been questionable. Tony LaRussa master-minded his transition to the infield and to Skip's credit he never played second base until three seasons ago. Regardless, you've tried to replace him before. Last year you acquired Ryan Theriot who promptly took the field and erased all concern over Schumaker's defensive liabilities.

By the end of the season Skip Schumaker had returned to regular playing time. Yet, this off-season the competition was opened again. You felt it was necessary to grant favor towards a former first round draft pick, Tyler Greene, who has never hit consistently at the major league level. At only four years younger than Schumaker, this isn't exactly a youth movement. It was likely a more cost controlling suggestion. And it seemed likely to work as Schumaker and Greene struggled equally through the pre-season. Except while the pressure was on them, the third man in the competition was raking.

Daniel Descalso's batting average has been hovering around .200 points higher than Tyler Greene's during Spring Training. Additionally he has a higher major league average and on-base percentage in a similar amount of plate appearances. When Skip Schumaker was hurt this spring it seemed that you would finally be uninhibited to place Greene as his successor. But where would that leave Descalso? He's been the better major league hitter, won the job rightfully, and is three years younger than Greene.

This is your task. Can you justify words like pedigree and potential to fans who have only seen results? Can you exert your control over a team by displacing two players on the World Series roster in favor of someone who's never entered post-season consideration? Can you define handing the job to Greene as anything more than a power-play meant to erase the memory of Tony LaRussa, that shadow that lingers over your championships? Or if you're just going to be stubborn about going cheap and young... Can you please just give the job to Descalso?

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SportyMcBloggin's NCAA Brackets Go Red

2012-03-20T23:23:00Z

After one weekend and 48 games it's time to reevaluate our NCAA Tournament brackets. For many, it was a rough weekend. Anyone who had Missouri in the Final Four (Brian) had a rude awakening. Of course, there were plenty of mistakes to go around (Florida St. - W. H.). It's not that we've never been wrong (seriously, criticizing Ted Thompson for the Favre fiasco), but we like to believe that it's possible for us to be correct in the big picture, even if our methods require some red ink (World Cup).

That is a whopping, and pathetic, 29 out of 48 picks for W.H. He's only got three out of four potential semifinalists. On a standard scoring (1 point for 2nd Round, 2 points for 3rd) that's only a 37. He'll need Kansas to survive until the finals in order to overcome this deficit. He'd blame it on his Europa League focus, but he picked all those games wrong too. Except Schalke, go Schalke!

In second place, Mr. Kelley got a solid 32 out of 48 games correct. With a total of 40 points he'll need some help from Ohio St, Wisconsin, and probably Florida in order to pass up our leader. We told you he'd pick Big 10 teams. Why he sided with his arch-rival Missouri, we'll never know. He may have lost a wager of some sort.

Ty Capron has two advantages on the other Sporty writers:

1. He is the only one who has made a living writing about sports.
2. He is the only one to actually contribute a college basketball piece to SportyMcBloggin

Despite also going 32 for 48, he's got a three point lead on Brian (43-40), has all four of his semifinalists remaining, and also his entire Elite Eight.

Of course if Kentucky doesn't win then we all look like idiots anyway.

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When NFL Quarterback Worlds Collide

2012-03-20T04:52:00Z

It has now become inevitable that two of our favorite SportyMcBloggin subjects, Tim Tebow and Peyton Manning, will be sharing the same team. Although this combination of a former Super Bowl and a former NCAA Champion will be potentially lasting less than a day. We felt that it's justifiably appropriate to empty the archives in tribute to our Sporty-ing muses:

Tim Tebow's late game heroics have inspired a Norrisian plethora of "Tim Tebow Facts". He's also been the punchline of a rambling series of "Arguments and Sports and the People Who Make Them".

Meanwhile, we've dedicated years to research if Peyton Manning's legacy of failure in the playoffs is merely a concoction of the media. Because after you pitch the idea: "Is Peyton Really That Bad In The Playoffs", you must follow up that hypothesis with complete data: "Is Peyton Really That Bad In The Playoffs Part II". And when your subject features in another "Super Bowl" and you're done with "Super Bowl Rants and Raves", you must evaluate your theory for the next season: "Is Peyton Really That Bad In The Playoffs (v. 2010)". And possibly the following: "Is Peyton Really That Bad In The Playoffs (v. 2011)". Until finally you have a control season in which the subject's stats remain unchanged: "Is Peyton Really That Bad In The Playoffs version 2012".

But if Brett Favre has taught us anything about the NFL, it's impossible for a legend to go gracefully into Canton. Eventually he'll open up his house to a "Bachelor"-esque event filled with "The Suitors of Peyton Manning". Thus leading us down this convoluted road:

Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow, for at least one day, have become the modern version of Montana and Young... or Young and Bono... or Bono and The Edge... or Cher and Sonny Bono... or Sonny and Michael... or Michael and Fredo... yep that's it.

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SportyMcBloggin's NCAA Brackets

2012-03-15T16:33:00Z

The first ever SportyMcBloggin editor bracket challenge. I'm sure we'll see a wide variety between our pics. Just because Ty and Brian are huge Big 10 supporters doesn't mean they'll pick the same games. And W.H. is more concerned with Europa League eliminations than the first round of the NCAA's, so he probably picked a long shot like Little Sisters of the Poor, or their arch rival Big Brothers of the Rich (Harvard).

Or... we could all pick Kentucky. Real original guys. Couldn't even pick a real SEC school like Mizzou, huh? Should we just go ahead and file this under comedy? Seriously? Let's get back to soccer emails.

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Son of the Walker Trade

2012-03-13T04:53:00Z

Before we proceed it must be recognized that Herschel Walker is a bad-ass. He is a Heisman winning, 1,000 yard rushing, Pro-Bowl achieving, Winter Olympic competing, MMA fighting, ballet dancing, black belt wearing, vegetable eating bad-ass. Yet, despite all of his accomplishments, he is probably more remembered in the annals of sports history for an off-the-field transaction he had little to do with.

In 1989 the Dallas Cowboys traded their two-time Pro-Bowl running back, along with four draft picks (two 3rd's, a 5th, and a 10th) to the Minnesota Vikings in exchange for five players and eight draft picks (three 1st's, three 2nd's, a 3rd, and a 6th). In combination with further trades the Cowboys turned those picks into Emmit Smith, Darren Woodson, Russell Maryland, and three Super Bowl titles. Herschel Walker never rushed for 1,000 yards in his two and a half seasons with Minnesota.

It's hard not to be reminded of that trade when looking at the spoils the St. Louis Rams won from the Washington Redskins in exchange for the second pick overall this offseason. It's not quite the 13 players that Dallas got from Minnesota, but there are distinct similarities to the vital pieces of the Walker trade (three 1st's and a 2nd). In the Vikings' defense, Herschel Walker was an established commodity in the NFL when they chose to mortgage their future. Washington will be presumably betting on an unproven quarterback, Robert Griffin III.

Griffin III, much like Walker, is more physically gifted than most NFL players. There is a legitimate chance that he will be a star in professional football. There is also a chance that St. Louis will squander their draft picks, as the recent decades have proven that poor drafting is a common m.o. for the Rams.

Regardless, drafting in more gambling than science. High draft picks generally have increased odds for success in the NFL. The odds of collecting starters and Pro-Bowlers get longer with each proceeding round. The Washington Redskins are essentially trading four lottery tickets for one. This would seem reasonable if the Redskins were a quarterback away from the Super Bowl.

But Dan Snyder's team has been struggling for over a decade. Somehow the Redskins have avoided the youth rebuilding phase adopted by most downtrodden NFL franchises. By trading away the additional three choices, Washington will be forced to surround their inexperienced franchise quarterback with expensive free agents and low percentage late-round picks. If Snyder had to climb out of a hole, he would bring a shovel.

The number and quality of the future picks is what defines both trades. There is no doubt that Herschel Walker was a great NFL player, there is little doubt that Griffin III will be a success. Yet, in both cases the major commodity's effectiveness was potentially compromised because his future supporting cast was weakened. Football is a team game. The more picks a franchise has in early rounds, the greater their chance at success becomes.

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What Pele Says About Messi

2012-03-11T03:55:01Z

Hello, I am Pele the greatest footballer in the world of football. Many people are discussing the greatness of a certain Argentine who recently scored five goals during a UEFA Champions League knockout round match. They are questioning whether that particular three time "FIFA Player of the Year" award winner is better than I, the great Pele. Let me assure you that no one is better than Pele. There are many reasons why that is true.

I, Pele, scored 1280 goals in 1363 games. There are some people who say that many of those games do not count because they were scored in exhibitions, military matches, or the United States. But I played against the top Europeans from each nation every four years in the World Cup, not an annual Champions League filled with international stars from around the globe. When something happens for only a month every four years it is more important and difficult to win than an event that occurs an entire season every year. Important finals are meant to be played against Sweden, not Manchester United.

In 2004 FIFA, knowing that I am the greatest and can see the greatness of all footballers, asked me to list the 100 greatest living footballers. I named 125 because Pele always does more than what is asked. Lionel Messi is not an eight year old and therefore he was alive when I created the list. Yet his name was not among the greats like Michael Owen, El Hadji Diouf, Mia Hamm, and Pele. How can Messi be considered greater than Pele, the list maker, when Pele could not perceive his future greatness?

Furthermore, Argentinian players can never be as great as Brazilians. There are many flat areas in Brazil where players learn to move around the ball and do aerial tricks with their feet. They become better footballers and dancers because both abilities require balance and flat surfaces. Argentina has many mountains and the pitches are never level. One club is always running uphill, the other downhill. Messi only runs downhill, much like his former national team coach Diego Maradona.

Football is meant to be played on the even surface which FIFA and Brazil provide. When the Internet almost voted Diego Maradona the player of the century, FIFA stepped in and gave me a share of the title. FIFA and Pele know that the Internet is a liar. Maradona may have won many trophies at European clubs like Barcelona and Napoli, but I won the North American Soccer League Soccer Bowl in 1977. When I arrived in the United States to play for the New York Cosmos, former President Richard Nixon told me, "you don't play football."

In addition to receiving honors from heroic United States' leaders, I am a Knight Commander of the British Empire. It was Pele who stopped Maradona from conspiring to steal the Falklands. Queen Elizabeth asked me to defend those islands and all World Cup trophies from Argentina. There is no question in my mind that tensions in the Falklands have been rising since this Messi player was coached by Maradona in the World Cup.

The greatest footballer ever must defend islands, not claim them improperly for mountainous countries. The greatest footballer must win World Cups, not trebles, sextuples, European domestic leagues, European international leagues, European domestic tournaments, and intercontinental club tournaments. The greatest footballer must score many goals for his national team, not be played out of position by a lunatic who once tried to conquer the Falklands. These are things that make Pele great and no one else. The game has not changed one bit since Pele left. It is all the same. Pele is the greatest and the New York Cosmos are a real team.

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The Suitors of Peyton Manning

2012-03-09T22:03:05Z

(Interior Peyton Manning's house. Seven men are silently seated in the living room, eying each other with varying degrees of nervousness and contempt. Peyton's agent Tom Condon enters the room. He is holding a remote control and stands at the edge of one of the sofas.)

Tom Condon: Gentlemen, you are the representatives your franchise has chosen to make a pitch to Peyton Manning. You will each have a fair chance to explain to him why you think your team would create the best fit. But, we do ask that you respect the candidates around you.

Dan Snyder: Where is he?

Tom Condon: We will be conducting this interview process via video chat using that Sony flat-screen in the corner. Peyton would like to remind you gentlemen that no matter who he feels is the best franchise for this stage of his career, Sony will always be the best television company around.

(The men stare at Condon in silence. He points the remote at the flat screen television across the room. The picture comes on, Peyton's face is visible.)

Peyton: Hello guys. It's good to see you. John, Dan, Joe, Larry... hey, is that Don Johnson back there?

Don Johnson: Yes. Peyton. Although for this meeting you may refer to me as Sonny Crocket.

Peyton: Schucks, I'm honored. Is that Tubbs too?

Philip Michael Thomas: Yes. Peyton. Though I do have a real name. Philip Michael Thomas.

(Don Johnson slaps Philip Michael Thomas in the chest)

Don Johnson: (whispering) Shut up man, if he wants to call you Tubbs, you're Tubbs. Remember what Mr. Ross is paying us for.

Philip Michael Thomas: (muttering to himself) Sure, sure always Tubbs. I was Lance Vance too. No one remembers that.

Peyton: I'm sorry Tubbs. Wow, this is really something. I'm going to let y'all get a chance to sell me on your teams. But first, you guys feel free to help yourselves to any Oreos or Papa John's pizza there on the coffee table. You sure can't beat those down-home All-American traditions. And if you need to wash that down there's some Gatorade in the house somewhere. (shouting) Hey Tom!?!

Tom Condon: Yes, Mr. Manning.

Peyton: (still shouting) Bring those guys some G2. Fruit punch flavor.

Tom Condon: Sure thing Mr. Manning.

(Tom Condon exits the room)

Peyton: Alright guys. I don't know how to choose an order. So lets go with all-time winning record of your franchise. You guys cool with that?

Philip Michael Thomas: Do you mean best winning percentage or total wins?

Peyton: Good question Tubbs. Let's go with total wins in history. But not in reverse order, that's overdone. Anyone know who goes first?

(The men look around at each other)

Peyton: Well I'm looking this up on my new Sony computer and I believe that Dan's Redskins are tops of this group. Y'all should really look into getting you a laptop like this. It's called a V-ee-o or a Vaio. Real sleek looking. (shouting) Hey Tom!?!

(Tom Condon emerges from the hallway with his arms full of bottles filled with fruit punch flavored Gatorade.)

Tom Condon: Yes, Mr. Manning.

Peyton: We've got a bunch of Vaios around. Could you give these guys some as a gift for coming out?

Tom Condon: No, sir. I believe you and Cooper loaded all the complimentary computers with images of the Giants Super Bowl parade, then proceeded to shoot the devices with air rifles.

Peyton: Oh. That's right. Well I don't want to give these guys any computers with holes in them. After you hand out that G2, head over to the store and use my Mastercard to buy six laptops.

Tom Condon: But there are seven gentlemen here.

Peyton: Crockett and Tubbs can share.

Philip Michael Thomas: (muttering under his breath) Dammit. Tubbs never gets his own laptop.

Tom Condon: I'll take care of that immediately Mr. Manning.

(Tom Condon sets the Gatorade bottles on the table next to the Papa John's and Oreos. He leaves the room.)

Peyton: Okay, Dan you're up. But I'm going to warn you, I already know your pitch.

Dan Snyder: Really?

Peyton: It's money. Isn't it Dan?

Dan Snyder: Well yeah. That and the ability to stop your brother from winning more Super Bowls.

Peyton: Really Dan? Really? How are the Redskins going to stop anybody from winning anything? I mean, I'm a great quarterback, but I'm not a running game, offensive line, and defense too.

Dan Snyder: But...

Peyton: Look I appreciate you coming out. It means a lot and I hope you enjoy your laptop that Tom's purchasing with my Mastercard. But I want to win a Super Bowl and your franchise has about as much chance to get a Lombardi as the Arizona Cardinals. Now who's next...

(Peyton looks down at his laptop)

Peyton: Shoot!... Um, Larry? I believe you're representing the Arizona Cardinals.

Larry Fitzgerald: Please...

Peyton: Now Larry, I'll tell you the same thing I told Dan...

Larry Fitzgerald: I'm dying man. Please...

Peyton: Look you are a great player. But...

Larry Fitzgerald: I'm the best receiver of my generation. Please...

Peyton: Come on now Larry, you know I just had a major surgery...

Larry Fitzgerald: But John Skelton. Please...

Peyton: Larry, quit it. I can't risk my life playing in Arizona. And frankly, you shouldn't either.

Larry Fitzgerald: I'll be your best friend. Please...

Peyton: Sorry I can't, who would Cooper shoot BB guns with then? John, I believe you want to tell me about the Broncos.

John Elway: Peyton, the Denver Broncos have a proud tradition filled with six Super Bowl appearances. I went to five of them myself. I also can lend a sympathetic ear when the sports media levels criticism upon you.

Peyton: Oh, John. I don't care what people say about me. I just want to win. You guys have a pretty good defense. What about your offensive weapons?

John Elway: Well, we're willing to add some more receivers to complement you. Plus we have two excellent running backs in Willis McGahee and Tim Tebow.

Peyton: Isn't that Tebow guy a quarterback?

John Elway: No.

Peyton: Are you sure? Cause I'm looking up his stats on this Vaio...

John Elway: Nope. He's a running back. Always has been.

Peyton: He sure throws a lot of interceptions for a running back, John. Are you pulling my chain?

John Elway: Please....

Peyton: Oh don't you start that:

Larry Fitzgerald: Please...

Peyton: Larry, you've had your turn. John stop it, you're a Hall of Famer. That was a swell presentation, but we've got to get moving here.

Joe Montana: I'm next.

Peyton: Wow. Joe Montana? I thought Tom told me the 49ers weren't interested.

Joe Montana: I'm not representing San Francisco, Peyton. I'm here with the Kansas City Chiefs.

Peyton: Really? But you won all those titles with the 49ers? How'd you end up working for the Chiefs?

Joe Montana: I have a $100,000 fee. I'll represent the Houston Oilers if they'll meet the guarantee.

Peyton: Ah, man Joe. The Houston Oilers aren't around anymore. I don't think they'd be able to pay your endorsement. You should really stick to stable companies like Sony, Papa John's Gatorade, Direct TV, Reebok, Oreo, or Mastercard.

Joe Montana: I'm Joe Montana. I have a 16-bit talking football video game franchise and a city in Montana named after me.

Peyton: Well I don't know how much the state of Montana pays but...

Joe Montana: This is ridiculous. Kansas City has some BBQ restaurants, that's it. I'm leaving.

(Joe Montana storms out of the room)

Peyton: Well I guess that means Tubbs gets a laptop.

Philip Michael Thomas: (standing up and shouting) Woohoo!

Peyton: Alright Vice squad, you're up next.

Don Johnson: Miami is the place for celebrities of your stature to be.

Philip Michael Thomas: Yeah, man. It's like where the "Dream Team" is. Not the one that won the gold medal. But the one that lost the NBA championship.

Don Johnson: We've also got a new baseball stadium, complete with real above-minimum-salary major leaguers.

Philip Michael Thomas: I also wrote, produced and starred in an awesome video game about Miami called Vice City.

Don Johnson: Hey, stick to the script.

Philip Michael Thomas: Why don't you shut up Nash Bridges?

Peyton: Hey now. Crockett, Tubbs, calm down. That all sounds real nice. Do you guys still hang out with all those stars like Phil Collins and Glenn Frey?

Don Johnson: Uh sure. They're all Dolphins season ticket holders.

Philip Michael Thomas: Yeah. Edward James Olmos is our quarterbacks coach.

Peyton: That sounds great. Real nice. I guess we're down to the last team. The Seattle Seahawks?

Pete Carroll: Hi Peyton. This is a pretty nice house. Do you need another one?

Peyton: No. I'm good.

Pete Carroll: How about some hookers?

Peyton: I'm married.

Pete Carroll: Is that a yes or no?

Peyton: No.

Pete Carroll: Do you need help passing any classes?

Peyton: I graduated from college fifteen years ago Pete.

Pete Carroll: Well, that's all I got. Where should I pickup my laptop?

Peyton: I'm sure Tom will be back soon. Thanks to all of you guys. Help yourselves to those pizza slices and Oreos. And don't forget to wash it all down with some Gatorade. I'll think over this decision while Cooper and I shoot some Giants memorabilia with our air rifles.

(Peyton is no longer visible in the television screen.)
(END SCENE)

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The Serie A Fandom Challenge - Hanging With Zlatan, Beckham, Chiotis, Messi

2012-03-09T02:58:00Z

In Part V of the longest running soccer related email in United States history, the Sporty McBloggins cover a week in the soccer globe, recapping the almighty Zlatan's domination of Palmero, Beckham's hatred of Canadian futbol junkies, Chiotis's ownership of Hugo Lloris, and Messi's claim to the title of Greatest Ever.

Part 1 - The Proposal
Part 2 - Picking the First Team
Part 3 - The Continuation of the Longest Soccer Related Email in United States History
Part 4 - USA v Italy - A Friendly Discussion

FROM: W.H. PATTON

TO: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY, TY CAPRON

Is there an Italian version of "Jumping the Shark"? This email chain may be getting there and we've only had one of us pick a club to support. We've got to keep digging. The canary is still breathing. Hmmmm, that's two animal metaphors in one paragraph. I should get that under control.

Speaking of "Jumping the Shark", did you guys watch Inter Milan ride the ramp on Sunday? Luckily, before they were cancelled, their coach/producer decided to bring back their best character, Wesley Sneijder, who promptly led the Nerazzuri back from a 2-0 deficit against encroaching Catania. The Diegos (Forlan and Milito) accounted for both goals but Inter didn't look like a team one year removed from a European Championship until the attacking Dutchman returned from the bench. If the Sicilians could have held off, or convinced the Inter coach that he was correct in benching Sneijder, they'd currently be tied with the blues of Milan. Regardless, a draw at the San Siro is a decent result for a club that probably costs one-fourth of Inter's payroll.

Inter has always been on my radar as a team I could root for, but it seems a little cheap to select such a high class squad (especially considering I already side with some upper-crust English and Spanish teams). Catania is a scrappy team, but more analysis needs to be done. In the upcoming weeks they match up against a couple of my front runners: Fiorentina and Lazio. I'll be interested to see how that plays out.

Another scrappy bottom dweller, Chievo Verona, stole a point from Juventus on Saturday. I don't know if you guys have realized, but this Michael Bradley kid can play. He may not have contributed to the Flying Donkey's stolen equalizer, but he's definitely the type of dependable player that can keep a lesser team in the top flight. In retrospect I should have just picked them from the start because only the XL jersey is left on Amazon. But, it's difficult to justify committing to a club based on one American player and an amazing nickname.

Anyway, you guys saw it with me - The Zlatan. He can't be stopped. Somehow I was mistaking mid-table Palermo for relegation-bait Parma while we were discussing that match. But no. That is a top of the table Serie A side being absolutely devastated by one man - The Zlatan. He scored from 30 yards out, from the six yard box, and from Sweden while driving a Volvo across the sea directing a mainland invasion of Estonia. How is possible that the guy tied for goals scored lead in Serie A looks like an extra from The 13th Warrior?

FROM: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY

TO: W.H. PATTON, TY CAPRON

Pretty good, CONCACAF Champions League games Wednesday.

Landon Donovan strikes again. This guy just seems to be in the right place at the right time all the time. It was also good to see someone throw a beer can on the field then watch Beckham cry about it. Then immediately following the 12-ounce attack, he sends in a corner kick that ends up as the equalizer. Then (yes, that's the "thens") he turns and talks smack to the Toronto crowd. I think he's played soccer enough, and in enough places, to know that fans are a little crazy at times. Can't say I'm a Galaxy fan, but who roots for Canada?

Seattle seems to be on solid ground. It seemed to me Santos Laguna was the better team but they couldn't put it together. I see this one getting interesting in the second leg. The Sounders really needed that aggregate lead and they got it. They're a good team but Santos made several mental errors leading to goals. I would think Santos can make up that deficit and, at the very least, put it into penalties. Once again I got to root for the Americans, plus I just like Seattle's team.

It appears APOEL's dream continues in Europe. That was one of the better games I've seen. APOEL really had their work cut out for them holding that 1-0 lead. It's a shame it had to go to penalties, but that's the rules. APOEL's keeper (his name escapes me) had two saves and really should have had a third. Changing the rule to where it can bounce off the post, off you, and then in was stupid. In my opinion.

End of Transmission.

FROM: W.H. PATTON

TO: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY, TY CAPRON

A...P...O...E...L...!!!!!!!

That is how a penalty shootout is done. Obviously Champions League teams in the Round of 16 generally surpass the talent level of your average Carling Cup sides. But Liverpool is thought to be more gifted, at least on paper, than either Lyon or APOEL. How a team from the Cypriot First Division can outclass the legends of England, and of France for that matter, is yet to be determined. It is not dissimilar to a Cinderella NCAA team than works on sprints, fundamentals, and formation. Other clubs may have more pure talent, but APOEL is better coached on the importance of teamwork, basic skills, and endurance.

The keeper's name is Dionisis Chiotis, and if you would have told me he would best Hugo Lloris in penalties I would have called you a liar, plus some other names regarded as slightly derogatory. Yet it happened. The APOEL players took their penalties with such perfection and pace there was no way the Frenchman could have stopped them. Meanwhile, Lloris's high priced, internationally renowned, teammates were mis-striking like Carling Cup finalists. We know Lisandro Lopez missed that post-rocking penalty. Chiotis knows Lisandro missed that penalty. Lisandro knows he missed that penalty.

It will be interesting to see how next weeks UEFA Champions League games play out. With AC Milan through already, will Inter and Napoli step up and put three Italian teams into the quarterfinals? And I have only this to say about CONCACAF. Don't count Santos Laguna out. Don't ever count them out.

FROM: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY

TO: W.H. PATTON, TY CAPRON

Lionel Messi is on fire. 5 friggen goals? Watched the replay of that Barcelona v Dortmund game. Wow. Barca is really on top of their game. Now all I'm waiting for is Pele to come out and say that Messi still isn't the best ever, and that if he was still playing he would have scored 6 goals.

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The Serie A Fandom Challenge - USA v Italy - A Friendly Discussion

2012-03-05T02:31:00Z

The never-ending soccer email continues into Part 4, or IV for Roman numerical enthusiasts. Team USA defeated Italy in soccer for the first time in history on Wednesday. It was only a friendly, and it was just a 1-0 victory, but any slight improvement shown on the pitch by the Americans tends to get major coverage. We argue about the striking merits of Jozy Altidore, how American futbolers tend to develop later than the world's elite, and determine what type of improvement we're really looking for from Klinsmann's reign.

Part 1 - The Proposal
Part 2 - Picking the First Team
Part 3 - The Continuation of the Longest Soccer Related Email in United States History

FROM: W.H. PATTON

TO: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY, TY CAPRON

First and foremost, Clint Dempsey may be a hero for U.S. Soccer today. But the Fulham stalwart scoring goals is not nearly as impressive as Jozy Altidore bringing down an aerial pass, controlling it, and then using a clean second touch to distribute the ball. The fact that the unfavored American striker was able to remain upright after receiving a pass was a breakthrough more important for Team USA than the defeat of Italy.

I was drifting in and out of the room, so I probably don't have as good of analysis as Brian. I assume he watched intently and undisturbed in front of the television, carrying a bottle of Jameson, and randomly shouting "Seriously!?". It was impressive to see a wing back like Johnson contribute to the American's successful attack. Before Klinsmann it seemed the U.S. could only use the flanks when Donovan and Dempsey were played as out of position wingers. On that note, it was great to see Dempsey being used, where he's more effective, in the role behind the striker. I think on the National team he can contribute more in that slot with his shooting and ability to challenge centerbacks.

The impact of Americans playing overseas is starting to show in the quality of play. Michael Bradley looks like a decent Serie A deep-lying midfielder. He has excellent distribution, and thanks to Dempsey and Edu, he has a place to go with his passes. The U.S. is never going to look as good on paper as any of the important European or South American teams. But if they can play a team game, complete passes, open space, and protect Tim Howard, America can stay in games against more individually talented teams.

This result doesn't really prove that the U.S. has "arrived" to the top of the international playing field (let's face it, it was a soft Italian selection). However, I think in combination with the last four years of results for the U.S. it's not difficult to see that their level of skill is rising. The next thing for America to accomplish is having one of their internationals feature on a top class club team.

FROM: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY

TO: W.H. PATTON, TY CAPRON

Please, I think it's unethical for us to even joke about Altidore being a good striker. Klinsmann seems to be feeling his way through the lineup well. He can only do so much with what he has to work with. When your back line is not very good you have to take serious risks: like relying on a very good offsides trap. I think the Americans got lucky eight or so times. I'll give the linesman credit, as his calls were pretty spot on. But I wouldn't expect that everywhere. I'm seeing improvement and that's all I look for until World Cup qualifying begins.

FROM: W.H. PATTON

TO: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY, TY CAPRON

Whoa, whoa. I never want to come across as asserting that Altidore is currently a good striker. I was merely stating that his trap and pass were quite impressive and I've rarely seen him successfully pull off two consecutive touches while averting minor disaster. Regardless of his historically terrible second touch, it's evident he's gotten some games this season at AZ Alkmaar and there's a notable improvement in his skills. The public's perception of Altidore was clearly damaged by his three goal performance against Trinidad & Tobago three years ago in World Cup qualifying. He was cursed with a form of hype created by American soccer nuts, people like us, known previously only to Freddie Adu. Jozy, like Freddie, is only 22 years of age and while that may be the prime of many European and South American's careers, we are just going to have to realize that American talents are not going to develop that rapidly.

The best players on the National team are Dempsey (28), Donovan (29), Howard (32), and Bradley (24). At the age (between 20-21) we expected Altidore and Adu to immediately develop into superstars:

- Donovan was at Bayer Leverkusen, but was being loaned back to the MLS
- Dempsey was finishing college and was starting with the MLS
- Howard was in MLS with the Metrostars
- Bradley (who's the exception here) was beginning to feature at Heerenveen and Borussia Mönchengladbach

Bradley and Altidore were both in the IMG Academy, and they're forming a solid argument that youth development is paying off for the U.S. Bradley is making a name for himself in Italy and while we're still skeptical of Altidore, he's beginning to find his way in the Eredivise. There is little reason to believe that we should expect Americans to develop at the same rate as the majority of the soccer playing world because our system isn't set up in a similar fashion. How could we expect Altidore and Adu to secure a spot in the squad of Villareal and Benfica at the age most American players are still in college?

Anyway, I don't want to sound like I'm drinking the Kool-Aid here. The U.S. has a long way to go and they're not catching up to the best in world in the next decade... or longer. But I think they can continue to improve and though we tend to dog guys like Altidore and maybe Adu, I think they still have time to grow. The key is how these individual players succeed in Europe. The MLS is cute and all, but I think there's enough proof that top competition creates greater improvement. Especially at a young age. Look through the current call-up roster and you can see that these guys are cutting their chops in tougher leagues.

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Molina at 50 Percent Less Than Market Value

2012-03-03T03:35:00Z

This hasn't been the greatest offseason for the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals. We've pointed that out before. The Cardinals wouldn't throw money at Albert Pujols. Therefore they lost the greatest slugger in franchise history. Management is hesitant to spend on an established but potentially injured back of the rotation starter. So the team is counting on Jake Westbrook. Yet when it came time to sign their Gold Glove catcher, the Cardinals shelled out $75 million.

Rightfully so. Yadier Molina is worth every penny.

Consider these facts about the St. Louis Cardinals:

1. They will have a new pitching coach for the first time in sixteen years

2. This may be the last season they feature back of the rotation veterans

3. Defensively, this year's line up is a step backwards for an already atrocious fielding team

Leadership and stability alone may be worth the significant pay increase. However, Yadier is also a 4-time Gold Glover, 3-time All-Star, and has hit above .290 three of the last four seasons. Molina is a .309 career hitter in the post-season. Plus his direct impact on the success of a starting rotation valued at $43 million jusitfies a salary near one-third that amount.

The three currently highest paid catchers in baseball are Joe Mauer ($23 million), Molina ($15 million starting 2013), and Mike Napoli ($9.5 million in 2012). They will all be between 29 and 30 years of age in 2012. While Mauer has the only MVP award among the three, do his numbers justify a 50% pay increase over Molina?

If the top salary for catchers is set at an average of $23 million a year than Molina, being the second highest paid, makes $15 million look like a bargain. Mauer has 3 Gold Gloves, 4 All-Star appearances and his career average is 49 points higher than Yadier's. However Molina's career averages are colored by his slower development as a hitter. He's bested his .274 career mark by 19 points or more in three of the last four seasons.

Let's take a basic metric for hitters that combines the ability to get on base with the ability to hit for power: on-base plus slugging (OPS). Molina's career mark is .707. And though last season's .814 mark could be an anomaly, it fits in with Yadier's track record of improvement. Joe Mauer has an .874 OPS for his career. From that statistic we can estimate that Mauer is 19 percent more effective at the plate than Molina. Of course, it would be pertinent to reiterate, the Cardinals' catcher just signed for 50% less salary.

From a defensive standpoint Mauer has the higher fielding percentage by .002. However Yadier Molina dominates him when it comes to assists. In eight seasons, the 4-time Gold Glover has compiled 522 throw outs. That is almost double Mauer's total in the same time frame.

Apparently some general managers around Major League Baseball are upset with the St. Louis Cardinals with raising the salary bar for catchers. How come there was little complaining when the Twins secured their backstop? Is it because the season prior he won an MVP with numbers that now resemble pure anomalies in his career (.365, 28 Homeruns, 96 RBI 1.031 OPS)? I don't want to disparage Mauer as a catcher, he is one of the best of his generation, and is probably superior than Molina overall. But he's never hit half that total of homeruns in any other season of his career.

For the next six seasons the St. Louis Cardinals have a 3-time All-Star, 4-time Gold Glove winning, 2-time World Championship, potential .300 hitting, 65 assist per year averaging catcher. He costs $15 million, starting next season, but that's 50% less than the market leader and he is considered the second best at his current profession.

I'm repeating myself, but Yadier Molina is worth every penny.

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The Serie A Fandom Challenge - The Continuation of the Longest Soccer Related Email in United States History

2012-02-29T23:56:00Z

In Part 3 of the Serie A Fandom Challenge we recap a weekend's worth of televised European soccer, admire Napoli's resilient striker Edinson Cavani, determine what's wrong with American soccer broadcasting, discuss how to miss a penalty kick, and decide whether FIFA is more overrun with out of touch executives than Major League Baseball. All the while keeping the United States vs Italy final under wraps, as to not spoil Killer's DVR-ing efforts.

PART 1 - The Proposal
PART 2 - Picking the First Team

FROM: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY

TO: W.H. PATTON, TY CAPRON

Your next email will have to include the probabilities of completely missing a 24' wide by 8' tall box from 12 yards away with a soccer ball. The Carling Cup was exciting right up to the point where Gerrard completely missed the net in penalties. Do they not practice these things?

FROM: W.H. PATTON

TO: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY, TY CAPRON

Why can't Anthony Gerrard hit the net? I'm not sure. But I realized all the players were struggling when a generally reliable free kicker, Charlie Adam, directed his penalty towards the upper deck. Despite the outstanding opening, when Steven Gerrard's pinpoint kick was stopped by Tom Heaton's save of a lifetime, it was one of more terrible penalty shootouts I've seen. Yet, it wasn't quite the Anderlecht v Partizan debacle from Champions League qualifying last season. Charles Barkley has played 18 holes with less divets.

In addition to watching that Carling Cup final, which of course featured an EPL team barely knocking off a Championship squad, I watched games from four different leagues this weekend: Serie A, La Liga, Bundesliga, and the EPL.

The Juventus v AC Milan battle may have been the most exciting match of the weekend. Ty and I caught that Friday night and it was a pretty exciting match between the nets. Arsenal v Tottenham had more scoring, but the top two teams in Serie A excelled in offense and defense. If the North London clubs tried to form a proper offside trap formation on the edge of a cliff, we'd never hear from Walker or Koscielny again. (And there's a good chance Gibbs and Assou-Ekotto would join in their teammates' Thelma and Louise impersonations)

FC Schalke didn't really put up much of a fight against the resident super-squad, Bayern Munich. Franck Ribery and Arjen Robben owned the flanks for Bayern. I'd be astonished if Munich doesn't overcome their 1-0 deficit to Basel and progress deep into the Champions League. Since Schalke is one of the better clubs in Germany, and is doing well in Europa League, I was surprised by how Bayern dominated the entire contest. Munich is clearly superior on paper, but that gulf in class is generally not as evident in the Bundesliga.

The German game was contrasted by Real Madrid and Rayo Vallencano's tight 1-0 contest. There is a much clearer divide between Real and Rayo than Bayern and Schalke. Yet Rayo held the expensive weapons of Madrid in check, save for a Ronaldo deflection. Vallencano didn't have a problem attacking the new Galacticos. In fact, with a couple converted corners, the game would have easily been a draw or a Real defeat. What amazes me is why Cristiano Ronaldo continues to pass to his teammates. He has a better shot from distance, and repeatedly puts perfect passes on the toes of his forwards, only to have them bungle the ball to the outside of the post.

Anyway, that was the most directionless series of soccer observations that any of us have made. So to get back to the original point...

I watched Napoli v Inter and was impressed by Maradona's legendary club. I may not be able to root for them because I'm not fond of Maradona, but this Cavani guy is impressive. We'll see if he can fight off Manchester City like he attacks Serie A defenders.

FROM: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY

TO: W.H. PATTON, TY CAPRON

1. I wouldn't call Ronaldo's goal a deflection, more idiocy on the part of Rayo for letting that back heel go in the back of the net.

B. I think Gerrard's (Anthony) kick would have been saved had it been on net. Poorly struck ball on the ground spells disaster during penalties. I'm not sure I care about the Carling Cup anyway. So I'm not sure why I'm bitching about it.

3c. Wasn't someone robbed of a goal in the Juventus v AC game?

D4. I would argue that Robben can be a winger on any squad in the world.

Ty should be happy that his Gunners were not embarrassed and, in fact, poured it on the Spurs. Perhaps they are looking to put James Laurinaitis on their back line soon. Stan Kroenke can do that can't he?

Not sure if you read the article on Yahoo discussing how soccer's non popularity in the U.S. is partly the announcers' fault for not breaking things down and analyzing more (i.e. replays). But come on. Football (American) has so many pauses, stops, and TV timeouts that it's easy to show replays and break things down, etc. It's tough in soccer games. Here's one thing he didn't mention. Our American color commentators are like having Spencer Havner (Yep, Bob-open guy) doing Monday night football. Get some superstars in the studio to break some film down. If people had more insight into the game without having to watch 90 minutes of 0-0 futbol then perhaps the sport would grow more with casual fans. I can watch great soccer all day, but that's only because I've played the game and understand the ins and outs (and the what have yous). Without that then yeah, the sport is boring. Never-the-less, it was a well written article.

Perhaps I'll have more after I watch the U.S. vs. Italia game on the DVR tonight.

FROM: W.H. PATTON

TO: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY, TY CAPRON

Glad I didn't mention that U.S. game....

I think I meant the deflected pass that wound up with Ronaldo, it was sloppy defending nonetheless. Yes, AC Milan was robbed of 3 points against Juventus. There was never a more blatant example of why soccer needs to use goal-line instant replay. Maybe you can help me decide which sport is run by the most out of touch, suffocating, ignorant dullards:

1. Major League Baseball
2. NCAA football/basketball
3. FIFA (And all international leagues/organizations, excluding UEFA. Michel Platini has their shit in order)

Personally, I think ESPN has done very well with Ian Darke and Steve McManaman broadcasting overseas games. They do the best job of explaining the game to an American audience. They are entertaining and engaging with great rapport. Plus, "Macca" was a genuine star for Liverpool and Real Madrid, and Darke is as comically cynical as the best British/Scottish/Irish announcers. One of the finer points of soccer commentary is the less-than subtle but remarkably clever ways commentators deride poor play.

Eliminating Eric Wynalda and John Harkes (please get rid of Harkes) from any booth would probably do wonders for increasing the understanding and popularity of soccer. But I think that we need to consider who the audience is for futbol in the United States. Joe NASCAR Fan is not going to support players with vowels on the ends of their name. And neither will Sarah Palin, despite the fact that she can see Andrei Arshavin from her house.

FROM: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY

TO: W.H. PATTON, TY CAPRON

Well I think we both know that I was talking about Harkes. That was poorly portrayed on my part. I'm saying they should get someone in there that the American public knows. Beckham would be a good start, then Donovan, then Dempsey. After they retire of course. Dempsey without a doubt is our best player abroad but more people know Donovan. Just random thoughts. And yes, please keep the U.S. v Italia game comments in your pocket for now.

The Serie A Fandom Challenge - Picking the First Team

2012-02-25T18:03:36Z

In Part 2 of the Serie A Fandom Challenge, Brian picks a side. Plus the writers of SportyMcBloggin discuss the Italian league's standard of play, the best way to watch Serie A, the top managers in England, soccer polygamy, the quality of Everton, Carlos Tevez, and how much a club loss should ruin your week. Somewhere in the debate W.H. outlines a proposal for the greatest soccer fantasy league in history.

- Part 1 of the Serie A Fandom Challenge

FROM: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY

TO: W.H. PATTON, TY CAPRON

I could get down this idea although I already follow, however rarely because I don't have the Fox Soccers, Roma. A friend of mine follows them very closely. Hell, he even has a Roma tattoo on his chest. I would probably pick between them or Napoli.

Even after the Jamesons, I still think Serie A has the best futbol in the world. The EPL seems to be over-hyped because they have the only games on TV other than MLS. I also sort of follow the Sounders (Seattle), but honestly I probably don't have a favorite team. Playing the game for as long as I have, I just enjoy watching top notch talent do what they do best. If Everton, Seattle or Roma loses, it doesn't ruin my week like the Packers, Cardinals, or Blues. Just throwing that out there.

FROM: W.H.PATTON

TO: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY, TY CAPRON

Your response illustrates my point. I want to have another team that can ruin my week or give me a false self-esteem boost. Currently the only soccer team that can wield that power over me is Cruz Azul, and I can't even watch Mexican Primera games on television because we live in America's only city not offering Telemundo or ESPN Deportes through the main cable supplier. My feeling is that if we all have rooting interest in a league it should inspire some connection with our chosen teams.

As for Brian's Fox Soccer conundrum, the reason I suggested Serie A is because a lot of the games are online on ESPN3. This weekend Genoa v Parma and AC Milan v Juventus are Saturday, plus Lazio v Fiorentina and Napoli v Inter are Sunday. If you're like me and willing to watch most of your games on replay, they've got months worth of games stored in the archives. There are eight games from last week including Roma v Parma, Fiorentina v Napoli, and Udinese v Cagliari.

An added bonus is that ESPN3 also has the Coppa Italia. A couple years ago I watched Lazio win the thing and grew a fondness for their sweet baby blue jerseys. Would I keep supporting them? I don't know. I feel like I need more research to make a decision. There's inevitable heartbreak involved in rooting for teams from European capital cities. Ty can elaborate more in relation to his beloved Gunners, or you can read Soccernomics which delves into the socioeconomic differences between clubs in fascist and free societies.

My grand idea, taking this beyond Serie A, would be that we all pick a team in some important leagues (like a fantasy draft). I'd imagine that we'd have to stick with that team through thick and thin. But we can make concessions if your team was relegated. Polygamy in soccer fandom is generally accepted due to the gulf in class within countries, and there's always a chance that two of your teams could meet in the Champions or Europa Leagues. Except of course if your English team is Everton. But who am I to judge since I am struggling with EPL polygamy.

Anyway, we'd pick some teams and them keep a running tally of the trophies they collect. Maybe a bonus for having the top goal scorer or for having a guy win a FIFA award. (Although we'd seriously have to rethink that if someone chooses Barcelona) I'm thinking - EPL, Serie A, La Liga, Bundesliga, MLS, and maybe the Mexican Primera, Portuguese or Eredivise.

But that is possibly looking too far ahead. For now Serie A is a priority. I know we're all strapped for time, but check out some games when you get a chance. Let's continue this conversation over a couple weeks. Also I found a Chievo Verona jersey on Amazon for like $30. Seriously considering supporting the Flying Donkeys or the Little Zebras. Soccer may be the weirdest damn sporting culture.

FROM: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY

TO: W.H. PATTON, TY CAPRON

I'm picking Roma because I'm already intrigued. They have Totti and De Rossi so that's a good start. They're pretty much Arsenal in Serie A, I guess. To add to your previous reply, XBOX 360 has the ESPN3 app so games are watchable through that. I looked it up and it seems like a better deal than sitting and watching a laptop.

Yes, Everton sucks. They have some decent players but simply can't keep up with the money at the top of the league. I need to buy a lot of jerseys so they can afford better players. Perhaps City will throw Tevez onto the street to get hit by a car, so they finally bench him for good. Then he dodges the car and escapes to Everton, only to clean up his act and win us a championship. A boy can dream, right?

FROM: W.H. PATTON

TO: BRIAN KILLER KELLEY, TY CAPRON

This type of discussion is what we've always needed for this site. That or a podcast filled with expletives and Cubs fan jokes. Or Brewers jokes.

Roma is a damn good pick Brian and there's a significant knock-off jersey advantage. They have a very good squad and are looking to be in Europe in some form next year. Plus if one of us sides with Udinese, Napoli, Lazio or Inter, we've got a heated battle the rest of the season. What hurts all of those teams is Italy's drop in Coefficient ranking. Now Italy only gets 3 Champions League spots and 3 Europa league spots. I don't believe that standing is going to change in the near future. Unless it's an Italy v Italy Champions League final and Udinese wins Europa.

As for Manchester City's problem child, if there was a player in England who could claim the title for himself it would be Carlos Tevez. When he cares, that guy can absolutely impose his will on a match. He saved Westham from relegation, leaving a lawsuit in his wake. He won every trophy there is to win with Manchester United except the FA Cup, which he eventually claimed with City.

And though I joked about Everton never making Europe, they're a decent team with a good coach who's burdened with a thin budget. I'm a member of the "David Moyes is one of the best coaches in England" bandwagon. Here's how I see the top 5:

1. Sir Alex Ferguson (United)
2. Arsene Wenger (Arsenal: although his transfer policy could take him down a few pegs)
3. Roy Hodgson (West Brom: saved them from relegation last year & his work with Fulham was very impressive)
4. David Moyes (Everton)
5. Tony Pulis (Stoke City: seriously, no one wants to play Stoke at home)

Personally I don't see why the FA is even bothering with Harry Redknapp's nonsense for the England National team job. The guy has won an FA Cup, but his overspending bankrupted that club and sent them to relegation. Hodgson, Moyes and Pulis have a proven track record of staying power and competing with limited talent. Those are skills any England manager will need. Although Hodgson did struggle with the divas at Liverpool so who knows how he'd handle Terry, Cole, Rooney et al. But that's another topic for another day.

What Can Braun Do For MLB

2012-02-24T23:25:36Z

You may be aware of the top headlines circulating around the world of Major League Baseball:

- Ryan Braun Free, Mishandled Pee
- Every Major Leaguer Relieved As Off-Season Cycles Continue
- If the Sample Don't Fit, You Must Acquit
- Manny Ramirez: Still Guilty of Steroids
- Urine Trouble Bud
- What Can Brown Do For You?

Now we've never said a bad word about Bud Selig. And we'd never slight the integrity and honesty of Major League Baseball. So perhaps there is a solid reason the courier decided to set Ryan Braun's pee in his fridge... in a Tupperware container... for two days. The tester's primary excuse was that he believed the Fed Ex office would be closed. Certainly if the document stipulating Major League Baseball's testing policy was outlined so thoroughly, there was a provision for late Saturday night shipments?

Well there's always time to clear up the details. I'm sure there could be some logical excuses for the courier's delay:

- the courier's wife was giving birth
- the courier was cast away on a desert island with no friends except a piece of smiley faced Tupperware
- the courier didn't want to miss SportsCenter, he'd always dreamed of being featured on it
- the courier was involved in a badger attack
- the courier was shot in the head by Matthew Perry, rescued by a robot, and forced to save the post apocalyptic wasteland of Las Vegas (good luck finishing that in 44 hours)

Of course the most likely scenario is that the courier, who lived in Wisconsin, was a Brewers fan or a Brewers hater. Whoa, whoa. I know. It's crazy. I'm sure people who transport human waste in Tupperware containers for the benefit of multi-million dollar corporations, who have never engaged in any type of malfeasance before, adhere to the highest standards of ethics. But this line of thinking is not as ridiculous as accusing Mark Fuhrman of being a Buffalo Bills fan. There is a reasonable plausibility.

The simple fact is that Braun was either using illegal substances or was framed. And excluding a mistake, this means that the courier was crooked and either trying to help or hurt the major leaguer's career. Shouldn't someone be investigating this as a criminal matter? Was there a bribe from Braun? Maybe a bribe from another contending National League team?

Perhaps the order came from directly from the top. From a powerful man with connections to the Milwaukee Brewers. A man who rose to the top of his profession while gaining the respect of his peers. A man with family connections in Milwaukee, who wouldn't want to jeopardize the Brewers chances at a World Series...

That's right. The order came directly from the most powerful man in baseball:

Bernie the Brewer