Irrational Fan Rant Week - Day 1 - The Packers
Hello and welcome to SportyMcBloggin's "Irrational Fan Rant Week". When we're not making jokes about curling, getting kicked out of bars, or picking fantasy football team names; we do our best to be objective about sports topics ranging from how bad Peyton Manning is in the playoffs, the baseball awards, to the reporting on Penn State. However, that's out the window this week as we bring you a bunch of stereotypical fan rants. After all, it's what the internet was created for.
Dear Green Bay Packers,
As a recently made co-owner of your organization I feel the need to address the putrid performance that occurred at Lambeau field last Sunday. It resembled how I imagine an ulcerated stomach reacts to being double-fisted by Taco Bell and BBQ Ribs. Perhaps you may feel that my comments would be better heard at a shareholder meeting, but I have never felt that waiting to express my displeasure with an organization a hotel conference room gives the optimum effect. Much like chucking cold cheeseburgers at McDonald's employees to protest a lower dividend, I will cast words into the never ending reaches of the internet, cursing your failure to defeat a 9-7 team.
Seriously. Don't tell me for a second that the Giants were better than you. Not on that day, not at the beginning of the season, not next week. There was more talent on your side of the field. Sadly, that talent decided to spend it's time dropping passes and fumbling easy carries. I was unaware that your skill players were all surrogate sons of Tony Banks and Jackie Smith. If each football was a baby, America would treat your wide receivers like Casey Anthony. We all take days off. Most people just don't fade during bonus season.
How does a 15-1 team collectively decided to shit itself at home in the postseason? Was there a vote? Did one of the guys on IR drive the locker room poker money to Vegas and take the Giants with the points? At least have the decency to use that money to refund the ticket price to the poor paying customers from Sunday. Playoff tickets aren't cheap. Nobody's charged that much to watch a sinking ship since the flight of the Hindenburg. Speaking of which...
Where did Mike McCarthy spend his bye week, captaining an Italian cruise liner? Onside kicks are a necessity in certain circumstances, but not during the second quarter. And when it matters, don't kick it toward Victor Cruz. The only reason Cruz didn't showboat and recover the onside kick with his helmet was because he can't yet reveal he's a genetically modified David Tyree.
Is it possible to contact Cruz/Tyree's chemical cookers and order a new version of John Kuhn? His amazing stat line: drop, fumble, injury, really set the tone for the team's performance. Only the secondary underperformed more than the running game. Not that anyone expected much of either. However, the running backs had the simplest job on the team: just don't fumble, it's O.K. no one expects more than 2 yards per carry.
There's not much you could have done to fix the secondary. It's a liability unless it creates turnovers. Everyone knows that. But the next time you need to stop a Hail Mary before halftime send Jermichael Finley out as a safety. No one on the Packers is more adept at deflecting passes to the ground.
It was a pathetic performance all around. I can't remember ever being as embarrassed as a fan. There have been 4-12 seasons in recent memory with better displays of heart. Did that one Super Bowl victory satisfy the locker room like Anna Benson? Is someone dating a Kardashian? Why were the only consistently effective offensive players (Driver, Starks) not in the game constantly? Is there any reason to throw to Tom Crabtree? Ever? You know Ryan Grant fumbles, and it's cold, and the Giants hit hard, but you give him the ball anyway. You watched the film of the Giants victory over Atlanta in order to avoid the mistakes the Falcons made, not imitate them.
It's over now. So thanks for the memories. I'm going to pour whiskey into my eyes and hope that erases the last sixty minutes of football I watched you play. Then I'm going over to the Apple Store to fling iPods at clerks until the stock hits $450.
See you at the meeting Ted.
Dear Green Bay Packers,
As a recently made co-owner of your organization I feel the need to address the putrid performance that occurred at Lambeau field last Sunday. It resembled how I imagine an ulcerated stomach reacts to being double-fisted by Taco Bell and BBQ Ribs. Perhaps you may feel that my comments would be better heard at a shareholder meeting, but I have never felt that waiting to express my displeasure with an organization a hotel conference room gives the optimum effect. Much like chucking cold cheeseburgers at McDonald's employees to protest a lower dividend, I will cast words into the never ending reaches of the internet, cursing your failure to defeat a 9-7 team.
Seriously. Don't tell me for a second that the Giants were better than you. Not on that day, not at the beginning of the season, not next week. There was more talent on your side of the field. Sadly, that talent decided to spend it's time dropping passes and fumbling easy carries. I was unaware that your skill players were all surrogate sons of Tony Banks and Jackie Smith. If each football was a baby, America would treat your wide receivers like Casey Anthony. We all take days off. Most people just don't fade during bonus season.
How does a 15-1 team collectively decided to shit itself at home in the postseason? Was there a vote? Did one of the guys on IR drive the locker room poker money to Vegas and take the Giants with the points? At least have the decency to use that money to refund the ticket price to the poor paying customers from Sunday. Playoff tickets aren't cheap. Nobody's charged that much to watch a sinking ship since the flight of the Hindenburg. Speaking of which...
Where did Mike McCarthy spend his bye week, captaining an Italian cruise liner? Onside kicks are a necessity in certain circumstances, but not during the second quarter. And when it matters, don't kick it toward Victor Cruz. The only reason Cruz didn't showboat and recover the onside kick with his helmet was because he can't yet reveal he's a genetically modified David Tyree.
Is it possible to contact Cruz/Tyree's chemical cookers and order a new version of John Kuhn? His amazing stat line: drop, fumble, injury, really set the tone for the team's performance. Only the secondary underperformed more than the running game. Not that anyone expected much of either. However, the running backs had the simplest job on the team: just don't fumble, it's O.K. no one expects more than 2 yards per carry.
There's not much you could have done to fix the secondary. It's a liability unless it creates turnovers. Everyone knows that. But the next time you need to stop a Hail Mary before halftime send Jermichael Finley out as a safety. No one on the Packers is more adept at deflecting passes to the ground.
It was a pathetic performance all around. I can't remember ever being as embarrassed as a fan. There have been 4-12 seasons in recent memory with better displays of heart. Did that one Super Bowl victory satisfy the locker room like Anna Benson? Is someone dating a Kardashian? Why were the only consistently effective offensive players (Driver, Starks) not in the game constantly? Is there any reason to throw to Tom Crabtree? Ever? You know Ryan Grant fumbles, and it's cold, and the Giants hit hard, but you give him the ball anyway. You watched the film of the Giants victory over Atlanta in order to avoid the mistakes the Falcons made, not imitate them.
It's over now. So thanks for the memories. I'm going to pour whiskey into my eyes and hope that erases the last sixty minutes of football I watched you play. Then I'm going over to the Apple Store to fling iPods at clerks until the stock hits $450.
See you at the meeting Ted.
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