Arguments and Sports and the People Who Make Them
Arguments and sports go hand in hand. They are married together, by common law, in an unpleasant but generally satisfying union. Things get distastefully loud and ugly, but they see it through for the kids. Any topic in sports can lead to a significantly escalating discussion. And that is why we love them. As a local and global society. Everything is relative.
For example:
I could claim that Joe Montana is the greatest quarterback in football history. You could respond that Warren Moon was better at both Canadian football and amateur American football, and only slightly less proficient at professional American football. I'd call you an asshole for even mentioning Canadian football. You'd say, "most NFL players couldn't transition their game to the enlarged field."
I'd consider throwing a desk at your mother out of spite for your ignorance, think better of it, and then reply, "the Super Bowl is the fucking Super Bowl and no amount of Grey Cups could ever amount to winning four of them."
You'd probably have the audacity to note that Terry Bradshaw won four Super Bowls and many quarterbacks were better than him. I'd pause for a moment, because I know you're right but I'm not going to admit it, and then respond, "if winning the Super Bowl thanks to a dominant defense was so easy, than Trent Dilfer would have two hands full of rings."
You'd rightly bludgeon me with the fact that Dilfer has no place in any proper discussion about greatest quarterbacks in football history. You'd be fucking two for your last two.
At this point I'd offer forgiveness for mentioning Dilfer if you would please take back any mention of Canada, as neither has any place in this discussion. You'd agree, and make a proposal for the greatness of Elway. Montana beat Elway, 55-10 in the Super Bowl. I'd say, "that's a stupid argument. It has absolutely no validity at all. What's next, are you going to bring up Marino?"
Oh right, you will. You will babble on about how he's the greatest pure passer of all time. Which is complete bullshit. Peyton Manning is better. Brett Favre did more with less for longer. Tom Brady proved all you need is Randy Moss to break all of Marino's records. I'm reconsidering hitting your Mom with a desk. Or punting your puppy. Although that's not entirely fair. Neither your mother nor dog have done anything as blatantly stupid as argue that Marino's the greatest quarterback of all time.
At this point the conversation stalls. And you bring up that Joe Montana was a system quarterback. I refute your truthful nonsense by stating, "every quarterback runs a system." But no, you claim that some quarterbacks can function in any game-plan, while Montana only succeeded in the West Coast offense.
You continue to elaborate on how Donovan McNabb was the ultimate example of how the West Coast system inflates the value of quarterbacks. Furthering your inaudible mouth-drippings you espouse, "if McNabb had Jerry Rice he would have won four Super Bowls."
This is pure, unadulterated, fucking insanity. I threaten to extend your household gutter drains into the window of your car, watch it flood, and then fill back seat with Manta Rays. Fucking Manta Rays.
This doesn't amuse you like it does me. You suggest that we table this discussion. I agree, and ask, "who do you believe to be the best quarterback of the next generation?"
You say, "Tim Tebow."
I kick you in the shin.
For example:
I could claim that Joe Montana is the greatest quarterback in football history. You could respond that Warren Moon was better at both Canadian football and amateur American football, and only slightly less proficient at professional American football. I'd call you an asshole for even mentioning Canadian football. You'd say, "most NFL players couldn't transition their game to the enlarged field."
I'd consider throwing a desk at your mother out of spite for your ignorance, think better of it, and then reply, "the Super Bowl is the fucking Super Bowl and no amount of Grey Cups could ever amount to winning four of them."
You'd probably have the audacity to note that Terry Bradshaw won four Super Bowls and many quarterbacks were better than him. I'd pause for a moment, because I know you're right but I'm not going to admit it, and then respond, "if winning the Super Bowl thanks to a dominant defense was so easy, than Trent Dilfer would have two hands full of rings."
You'd rightly bludgeon me with the fact that Dilfer has no place in any proper discussion about greatest quarterbacks in football history. You'd be fucking two for your last two.
At this point I'd offer forgiveness for mentioning Dilfer if you would please take back any mention of Canada, as neither has any place in this discussion. You'd agree, and make a proposal for the greatness of Elway. Montana beat Elway, 55-10 in the Super Bowl. I'd say, "that's a stupid argument. It has absolutely no validity at all. What's next, are you going to bring up Marino?"
Oh right, you will. You will babble on about how he's the greatest pure passer of all time. Which is complete bullshit. Peyton Manning is better. Brett Favre did more with less for longer. Tom Brady proved all you need is Randy Moss to break all of Marino's records. I'm reconsidering hitting your Mom with a desk. Or punting your puppy. Although that's not entirely fair. Neither your mother nor dog have done anything as blatantly stupid as argue that Marino's the greatest quarterback of all time.
At this point the conversation stalls. And you bring up that Joe Montana was a system quarterback. I refute your truthful nonsense by stating, "every quarterback runs a system." But no, you claim that some quarterbacks can function in any game-plan, while Montana only succeeded in the West Coast offense.
You continue to elaborate on how Donovan McNabb was the ultimate example of how the West Coast system inflates the value of quarterbacks. Furthering your inaudible mouth-drippings you espouse, "if McNabb had Jerry Rice he would have won four Super Bowls."
This is pure, unadulterated, fucking insanity. I threaten to extend your household gutter drains into the window of your car, watch it flood, and then fill back seat with Manta Rays. Fucking Manta Rays.
This doesn't amuse you like it does me. You suggest that we table this discussion. I agree, and ask, "who do you believe to be the best quarterback of the next generation?"
You say, "Tim Tebow."
I kick you in the shin.
Posted by W.H. Patton at Thursday, December 15. 2011 
Categories: Tales from Sporty's World, A Sportyng Laugh, Helmet to Helmet
Categories: Tales from Sporty's World, A Sportyng Laugh, Helmet to Helmet
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