After the successful naming of my fantasy football team, I attempted to write a commissioner's note to my Yahoo fantasy football league. But there was an egregious character limit.  Slighted by my failed attempt, I wrote the kindly underlings at the lifestyle engine an email, explaining that our league contained merely three characters:

A banker from Boston
A carpenter from Ohio
A farmer from Illinois

I further described how each character began in the league with different abilities and total net worth. Due to his wealth, it was far easier for the banker to purchase bullets, oxen, and top caliber running backs at auction prices. Meanwhile the carpenter had no trouble repairing broken wagon parts or claiming injury replacements off waivers. The farmer had some extra food bags, which would inevitably lead to his demise while attempting to caulk his wagon and float it across, or drafting JaMarcus Russell.

Regardless, the customer service at Yahoo only replied back to me with:

"ERROR: 99927333 Do Not Reply to Sender "

I wasn't amused by the cut of their jib, so I decided to find them in person. I went to their offices in Northern California. (That's where they are right? I know I'm breaking the fourth wall here but I'm not going to do anymore research for this anecdote.)


Thus I give you, the return of the Sporty One-Act:

THE LIMITS OF MY CHARACTER

I knocked on the office door of Dan Yahoo, founder of Yahoo and heir to the Yahoo Serious fortune.

Mr. Yahoo-  What?

Me-  I need more characters.

Mr. Yahoo-  No.

Me-  Come on.?!

Mr. Yahoo-  No. Do you know how much characters cost? This isn't Google. We're not made of money.

Me-  Well, you're never going to be Google with that attitude.

Mr. Yahoo-  Look, when my father, the Great Serious, came to this nation in 1988 he had nothing in his suitcase but a Vegemite sandwich and a map of a hippie trail-head made of zombie. When he got off the plane, a strange lady made him breakfast.

Me- Uhhhhhhhh

Mr. Yahoo- You're slackjaw now. With not much to say.

Me-  I thought you proud people came from a land of plenty... the internet. Why can't we just have more characters for our commissioner's notes. And while I'm asking, what's the deal with team names?  Seriously, how can I work my magic in 20 freaking characters? Spaces shouldn't count.

Mr. Yahoo-  But spaces are characters. They are everything and they are nothing. At the same time.

Me-  Is this where they filmed that awful scene in the Matrix sequel?  Is there a wall of televisions somewhere behind you, showing fractured timelines of me varying my lineup? Just give me a solid reason why you limit the number of characters.

Mr. Yahoo-  Though I am from a land of plenty like my father before me, and his lover Paul Hogan, we are a frugal people. That is why our currency is far more stable that your inefficient American bank notes.

Me-  The Australian Dollar?

Mr. Yahoo-  No. Google Bucks.

Me-  The Australian currency is called Google Bucks? But you just said you're not Google. Your opening argument was that you're not made of money.

Mr. Yahoo-  We aren't Google. But, they are our national bank. They foster the dreams of second generation immigrants like myself.  The tree in which money grows from. Metaphorically speaking. Well for now at least, they're working on growing money trees.

Me-  If money grows on trees, won't that create massive inflation?

Mr. Yahoo-  Of course. And every nation will have millions of money trees in their capitol. Except of course for Australia. Google Bucks don't grow on trees.

Me- OK. Well when the world economy collapses, can I get some more characters? I've got this really funny story to tell about picking a team name.

Mr. Yahoo-  Just post a link to it.

Me-  Good idea.

http://sportymcbloggin.com/2011/11/20/in-search-of-a-fantasy-football-name.aspx

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