Real International Dynamo Football Club Names for the MLS
The Kansas City Wizards have changed their name to Sporting KC in tribute to traditional European soccer club names. American sports generally follow the rule of city name followed by nickname, see New York Yankees, and that defines our individualism as a sporting nation. But soccer has never been American. In fact, much to England's chagrin, it has never really been owned by one nation. Soccer (sorry continentals, football) is international. It's only fitting that if the MLS wants to be taken seriously as a league, it's teams should adopt traditional club names. Because if you can't increase the quality of the product on the field, you can always rebrand it.
Even if you're not familiar with soccer you've heard of Manchester United. Your response is, "sure, they're the Yankees of soccer". Well your wrong, that's Real Madrid. Regardless, those organizations are referred to with their proper titles and not by their nicknames. So now that Sporting KC is on the same page, we thought we'd throw out some suggestions to the remaining MLS teams who are lagging behind the times.
Passing Grades, These Clubs Are Ahead of The Curve:
Real Salt Lake
FC Dallas
Toronto FC
DC United
Sporting KC
CD Chivas USA
Between these six teams we've got tributes to the greatest European team in history , the most popular Mexican side , a Portuguese legend , a traditional English club title , and two teams using the acronym for "Football Club" (again, sorry, "Futbol Club"). Overall a solid start for our MLS name grab.
We'll Let These Names Pass - Almost:
New York Red Bulls = Red Bull New York
Why did Red Bull decide to pluralize their Bulls for New York but not Salzburg? Who cares, change it back like SV Salzburg's history.
Vancouver Whitecaps FC = Vancouver 09
Seattle Sounders FC = SC Seattle
You don't say Manchester Red Devils FC or Madrid Blancos FC, that's somewhat unholy. But since we already have two teams using FC, Dallas & Toronto, let's be more creative. SC suggests a Sports or Athletic Club, which sponsors multiple teams. The Sounders share a stadium with the Seattle Seahawks, that's as close as we'll get in America. As for Vancouver? Since they're a newly formed expansion club how about a year to commemorate their founding, like Shalke 04 .
Loose Translations:
Colorado Rapids = Rapid Colorado
We've eliminated the localized water-based meaning of rapids in favor of the implication of Germanic speed. Any resemblance of quickness in the MLS should be a welcome addition, plus an homage to the great Rapid Wein (seriously awkward translation) is a bonus.
Houston Dynamo = Dynamo Houston
The swap for Houston may be a tougher sell considering that the "Dynamo" tag was applied to KGB sponsored eastern block teams. But Houston is already halfway there, so why not commit to honoring some of the greatest powers of the cold war .
Fitting Titles:
San Jose Earthquakes = San Jose Wanderers
The original San Jose MLS franchise wandered off to Houston. That's not the traditional reason to hand a team the title Wanderers, but this isn't the 1800's and vagrant teams aren't trolling the landscape for matches.
Montreal Impact = Olympique Montreal
Naming the expansion Montreal club after the two greatest teams in France (Lyon & Marseille), genius. Considering how (What's the proper word?) anal Quebecians (Again what's the word?) are about their heritage, they should have come up with that on their own.
Philadelphia Union = Philadelphia Athletic
The Union becoming the Athletic references the great baseball franchise that used to call Philly home, thus allowing American soccer to piggyback on the memories of America's past-time.
Running Out Of Ideas That Make Sense:
Los Angeles Galaxy = International Los Angeles
We've run out of practical explanations for our new names. Since Los Angeles is, somewhat regrettably, a cultural center of the world we can give it a moniker that mimics the great Internazionale . There are multiple clubs who have paid homage to one of Italy's powers, including a great Brazilian franchise , but none have used the English spelling. Plus, it's better for California's image than the communist implications of Red Star or Lokomotiv LA.
Portland Timbers = Portland Forest
Timbers come from a forest. Boom. Portland should honor the most improbable 2-time European Cup (Champion's League) winner in history.
Chicago Fire = Chicago Rovers or Municipal Chicago
Chicago has used six home stadiums in their 13-year existence. If Rovery was an adjective, or a word, we'd say that's pretty Rovery. However, they also incorporate their municipal flag into their club flag. Tough call, we'll leave that open for debate.
New England Revolution = AC New England
New England shares a stadium and owner with the football Patriots. So let's call them an Athletic Club, thereby giving birth to the greatest short-hand acronym in televised sporting history. (I don't have to spell it out for you, do I?)
Columbus Crew = Columbus Wednesday
Columbus Wednesday could be an American revolutionary, an indie rock album, or a fledgling porn star. Three things generally more thrilling than an MLS match.
Even if you're not familiar with soccer you've heard of Manchester United. Your response is, "sure, they're the Yankees of soccer". Well your wrong, that's Real Madrid. Regardless, those organizations are referred to with their proper titles and not by their nicknames. So now that Sporting KC is on the same page, we thought we'd throw out some suggestions to the remaining MLS teams who are lagging behind the times.
Passing Grades, These Clubs Are Ahead of The Curve:
Real Salt Lake
FC Dallas
Toronto FC
DC United
Sporting KC
CD Chivas USA
Between these six teams we've got tributes to the greatest European team in history , the most popular Mexican side , a Portuguese legend , a traditional English club title , and two teams using the acronym for "Football Club" (again, sorry, "Futbol Club"). Overall a solid start for our MLS name grab.
We'll Let These Names Pass - Almost:
New York Red Bulls = Red Bull New York
Why did Red Bull decide to pluralize their Bulls for New York but not Salzburg? Who cares, change it back like SV Salzburg's history.
Vancouver Whitecaps FC = Vancouver 09
Seattle Sounders FC = SC Seattle
You don't say Manchester Red Devils FC or Madrid Blancos FC, that's somewhat unholy. But since we already have two teams using FC, Dallas & Toronto, let's be more creative. SC suggests a Sports or Athletic Club, which sponsors multiple teams. The Sounders share a stadium with the Seattle Seahawks, that's as close as we'll get in America. As for Vancouver? Since they're a newly formed expansion club how about a year to commemorate their founding, like Shalke 04 .
Loose Translations:
Colorado Rapids = Rapid Colorado
We've eliminated the localized water-based meaning of rapids in favor of the implication of Germanic speed. Any resemblance of quickness in the MLS should be a welcome addition, plus an homage to the great Rapid Wein (seriously awkward translation) is a bonus.
Houston Dynamo = Dynamo Houston
The swap for Houston may be a tougher sell considering that the "Dynamo" tag was applied to KGB sponsored eastern block teams. But Houston is already halfway there, so why not commit to honoring some of the greatest powers of the cold war .
Fitting Titles:
San Jose Earthquakes = San Jose Wanderers
The original San Jose MLS franchise wandered off to Houston. That's not the traditional reason to hand a team the title Wanderers, but this isn't the 1800's and vagrant teams aren't trolling the landscape for matches.
Montreal Impact = Olympique Montreal
Naming the expansion Montreal club after the two greatest teams in France (Lyon & Marseille), genius. Considering how (What's the proper word?) anal Quebecians (Again what's the word?) are about their heritage, they should have come up with that on their own.
Philadelphia Union = Philadelphia Athletic
The Union becoming the Athletic references the great baseball franchise that used to call Philly home, thus allowing American soccer to piggyback on the memories of America's past-time.
Running Out Of Ideas That Make Sense:
Los Angeles Galaxy = International Los Angeles
We've run out of practical explanations for our new names. Since Los Angeles is, somewhat regrettably, a cultural center of the world we can give it a moniker that mimics the great Internazionale . There are multiple clubs who have paid homage to one of Italy's powers, including a great Brazilian franchise , but none have used the English spelling. Plus, it's better for California's image than the communist implications of Red Star or Lokomotiv LA.
Portland Timbers = Portland Forest
Timbers come from a forest. Boom. Portland should honor the most improbable 2-time European Cup (Champion's League) winner in history.
Chicago Fire = Chicago Rovers or Municipal Chicago
Chicago has used six home stadiums in their 13-year existence. If Rovery was an adjective, or a word, we'd say that's pretty Rovery. However, they also incorporate their municipal flag into their club flag. Tough call, we'll leave that open for debate.
New England Revolution = AC New England
New England shares a stadium and owner with the football Patriots. So let's call them an Athletic Club, thereby giving birth to the greatest short-hand acronym in televised sporting history. (I don't have to spell it out for you, do I?)
Columbus Crew = Columbus Wednesday
Columbus Wednesday could be an American revolutionary, an indie rock album, or a fledgling porn star. Three things generally more thrilling than an MLS match.
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