An Open Letter of Sports Fan Apology
Dear Local Dining and Drinking Establishment,
We can only begin by saying that our conduct last weekend did not find us in our best form. Spilled beer and tables aside, we made plenty of intentionally poor decisions. Between the spiked bottle touchdown celebration and the numerous obscenities we hurled at the refs, our team, the other team, and your patrons, we may have harmed your chances for repeat business. Did we need 15 rounds of shots? Probably not. But being over-served is not an excuse.
You remarked that you owned, when we arrived, a functional music delivery system which searched the internet for tunes to broadcast within your place of business. Furthermore, you insisted that when we retired from our evening's activities, said music delivery system was no longer functional. Please respect our assertion that it was simple confusion, and not malice, that led to it's demise.
It was to our understanding that a media player limited to Black Eyed Peas, Nickelback and Toby Keith must have some type of malfunction. We were hoping the chair would be able to restore the device to default much like a "hard reset". And whilst music did cease, you were clearly not satisfied with the new sounds emanating forth from your speakers.
Additionally, it came to our attention that stomping on beer bottles, which were spiked on the floor in celebration, was completely inappropriate. You made your disapproval resoundingly clear when you asked the culprit, John, to vacate the premises. At the time we may have found fault with your reasoning. But rest assured, we have come to grips with your decision and it seems fair considering his actions.
However, he was clearly within his rights to peer in at the television through the window. While we're sure you clearly recall his rebuttal to your objections toward his voyeuristic intents, he wished to make note of them for the record. Firstly, as a taxpayer he seems to have as much right to the sidewalk as any citizen or illegal immigrant, who may or may not be employed in your kitchen. Secondly, thanks to the broad reach of the 13th Amendment, you undoubtedly, "don't own him." Regardless of his constitutionally protected rights, we hope the couple seated in the booth by the window enjoyed their dinner and weren't offended by his awkward looming presence.
Several times your employees advised us that the ladies room is off limits for people who stand while relieving themselves. Rest assured, we were only looking for a proper place to "export" our buffalo chicken sandwiches. We would not want to inconvenience the majority of your paying customers by exposing them to a nuclear winter of buffalo chicken fallout. As part of our due diligence in keeping the line wait abbreviated, we made sure to take our standing business to the brick walls outside.
Finally we'd like to commend you for halting us before we gravely injured ourselves and many of your other patrons. As we quickly learned, belly sliding can result in potentially dangerous falls out of unstable bar stools. As an added cost, the slider is susceptible to head injuries, excessive laundry bills, and splinters. Please take note, for future cleaning purposes, that though your wooden floor does look exceptional in dim light, the remnants of it are not as spectacular while displayed in daylight on a throwback jersey.
Let us reiterate that we are terribly apologetic if our uncanny behavior has caused any repercussions from customers or law enforcement officials. We would also like to verify that we tipped our waitress properly. If not, instruct her to take what she needs from the various tabs we forgot to close. We're not going to cry over spilled jaeger-bombs. Hopefully this letter finds you in heartier spirits than when we last parted.
See you next weekend,
Local Sports Fans
We can only begin by saying that our conduct last weekend did not find us in our best form. Spilled beer and tables aside, we made plenty of intentionally poor decisions. Between the spiked bottle touchdown celebration and the numerous obscenities we hurled at the refs, our team, the other team, and your patrons, we may have harmed your chances for repeat business. Did we need 15 rounds of shots? Probably not. But being over-served is not an excuse.
You remarked that you owned, when we arrived, a functional music delivery system which searched the internet for tunes to broadcast within your place of business. Furthermore, you insisted that when we retired from our evening's activities, said music delivery system was no longer functional. Please respect our assertion that it was simple confusion, and not malice, that led to it's demise.
It was to our understanding that a media player limited to Black Eyed Peas, Nickelback and Toby Keith must have some type of malfunction. We were hoping the chair would be able to restore the device to default much like a "hard reset". And whilst music did cease, you were clearly not satisfied with the new sounds emanating forth from your speakers.
Additionally, it came to our attention that stomping on beer bottles, which were spiked on the floor in celebration, was completely inappropriate. You made your disapproval resoundingly clear when you asked the culprit, John, to vacate the premises. At the time we may have found fault with your reasoning. But rest assured, we have come to grips with your decision and it seems fair considering his actions.
However, he was clearly within his rights to peer in at the television through the window. While we're sure you clearly recall his rebuttal to your objections toward his voyeuristic intents, he wished to make note of them for the record. Firstly, as a taxpayer he seems to have as much right to the sidewalk as any citizen or illegal immigrant, who may or may not be employed in your kitchen. Secondly, thanks to the broad reach of the 13th Amendment, you undoubtedly, "don't own him." Regardless of his constitutionally protected rights, we hope the couple seated in the booth by the window enjoyed their dinner and weren't offended by his awkward looming presence.
Several times your employees advised us that the ladies room is off limits for people who stand while relieving themselves. Rest assured, we were only looking for a proper place to "export" our buffalo chicken sandwiches. We would not want to inconvenience the majority of your paying customers by exposing them to a nuclear winter of buffalo chicken fallout. As part of our due diligence in keeping the line wait abbreviated, we made sure to take our standing business to the brick walls outside.
Finally we'd like to commend you for halting us before we gravely injured ourselves and many of your other patrons. As we quickly learned, belly sliding can result in potentially dangerous falls out of unstable bar stools. As an added cost, the slider is susceptible to head injuries, excessive laundry bills, and splinters. Please take note, for future cleaning purposes, that though your wooden floor does look exceptional in dim light, the remnants of it are not as spectacular while displayed in daylight on a throwback jersey.
Let us reiterate that we are terribly apologetic if our uncanny behavior has caused any repercussions from customers or law enforcement officials. We would also like to verify that we tipped our waitress properly. If not, instruct her to take what she needs from the various tabs we forgot to close. We're not going to cry over spilled jaeger-bombs. Hopefully this letter finds you in heartier spirits than when we last parted.
See you next weekend,
Local Sports Fans
What a write!! Very informative also easy to understand.
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