Curling at the Winter Olympics: The Political Battlefield
February 3, 2010- U.S. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood declares that recalled Toyotas are unsafe to drive, presumably at any speed. Is Mr. LaHood merely concerned for the safety of millions of American citizens? Or is he using his position of power to condemn Japanese run Toyota, the chief competitor to the newly government owned General Motors? Transportation Secretary is a storied cabinet position created during the turbulent sixties while the streets of America were congested with Vietnam War protesters, civil rights marchers, and exploding Corvairs. It has been occupied by such great American leaders as Elizabeth Dole, Neil Goldschmidt and Brock Adams. At the moment of his harsh words about Toyota, and the implication of poor Japanese craftsmanship, Ray LaHood stood a mere fourteen untimely deaths from becoming President of the United States of America and CEO of General Motors.
February 16, 2010- The Winter Olympic games had sour beginnings due to the death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili prior to the opening ceremonies. There were further disturbances in the Vancouver and Whistler vicinities as demonstrators picketed against the destruction of the environment, the criminalization of the homeless, and the rising government debt incurred by hosting the games. Americans peeking over the boarder were awestruck by how the polar political opposite Canadian protesters managed to get along without hitting each other over the heads with their placards. Four days into the games, representatives of the U.S. and Japanese women's teams are set to do battle with the pride of two world powers at stake. Although curling is dissimilar to most American games, its tense matches can be reminiscent of the Ice Bowl, played on the frozen tundra of Lambeau field. The sport may in fact have been created by a drunk who'd been struggling to recreate the fun he'd enjoyed at a neighborhood pub the prior night. From the depths of his faded memories he was able to discern a long surface with a sliding puck similar to shuffleboard, a scoring target resembling a dart board, a dangerous slippery surface, and some brooms.
Curling: You've come a long way baby
Summer 1936- The United States considered boycotting the Olympic Games in Berlin due to the recent uprising of Nazis in the German government. The prejudicial nature of that ilk was not something the free west wanted to taint their Olympic spirit. Not to mention the dangers of possible Nazi zombie outbreaks which had been rumored to have occurred in the surrounding communities. The United States justifies it's presence in the games by declaring publicly that the Olympics are not about politics. However, they subversively challenge Germany's Aryan superiority complex by tasking African-American super spy Jesse Owens with undermining the Nazi political structure. Owens uses his superhuman speed to instill doubt in the minds of his Aryan opponents and claims four gold medals. Despite his glorious effort saving democracy and mocking fascism, the American government is forced to disassociate itself from Owens in order to maintain its stance separating politics from the games. Owens has his amateur athletic status revoked and is never publicly thanked for his outstanding service by Presidents Roosevelt or Truman.
February16, 2010- U.S. Skipper Debbie McCormick knows there's a thin line between the highstakes world of curling and international espionage. She led America to a World Championship in 2003 and was a member of the 1998 and 2002 Olympic squads. There are substantial political overtones to this draw thanks to the recent Toyota recall, and the government understands the consequences of showing up second best to Japan in any event. Especially in a Canadian favorite like Curling. Any sign of weakness witnessed by the United States' neighbor to the north may undermine the positive strides made by NAFTA, Steve Nash, and The Arcade Fire towards improving Amero-Canuck relations. That fear is exactly the reason why McCormick, a natural born Canadian, was recruited by the C.I.A. to skipper the women's Olympic curling team in 2010. With her guidance and the hammer, America takes a 1 point lead after the 1st end.
December 7, 1941- The Empire of Japan, with the help of Michael Bay,attacks Pearl Harbor in an attempt to kill Ben Affleck. Tragically over 2,300 Americans are killed; none named Ben Affleck. This devastating moment launches the U.S. into the Pacific arena of World War II. The power of the mighty American military benefits the Allies, Hollywood, and the career of John Wayne. However, a further toll is taken 60 years later when 20 million Americans are forced, via subliminal Disney advertisements, to watch a 3 hour, historically inaccurate Michael Bay film {sic- redundant} about the incident... starring Ben Affleck.
February 16, 2010- Japanese skipper Moe Meguro appeared in her first Olympics at the age of 21. At 23 she led her team to Japan's finest curling showing, a 4th place finish in the 2008 World Championships. Now a feisty veteran of 25, she must rise to the occasion as her nation has fallen behind the Americans 3-0, after the hammerless U.S. squad steals 2 points in the 2nd end.
November 19, 2006- Japan's Nintendo Co. Ltd. releases the Wii as their seventh generation console to compete with Microsoft's XBOX 360. Thanks to a creative control scheme and a interesting appeal to children on snow days, the Wii promptly becomes the defining and best selling console of it's era. American owned Microsoft justifies its defeat by lowering prices and assuages their shareholders by declaring they're defeating their true Japanese competitor, Sony. In the meantime they spend millions developing a new control scheme for their console to rival the Wii. Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata spends his days shoveling American dollars into his pockets. {Before converting the dollars into something more stable like gold or shares of Apple stock}
February 16, 2010- The Japanese curling squad represents the ideals their country is known for. They are smaller and more efficient than the larger American models. But unlike their older American counterparts, the slimmer Japanese curlers have never posed for a semi-nude "Women of Curling" calendar shoot. Clearly the time has come to recognize the many qualities of Far Eastern curling. Using a cunning strategy, like their native corporation Nintendo, the Japanese wait for their American opponent to show its cards before unleashing a play that changes the game. Down 4-1 entering the 5th end, Japan hammer the Americans' granite and place 3 rocks within the circles. Match tied 4-4.
Wasn't joking about this
February 22, 1980- The Cold War that resulted from the remnants of World War II had many battles: The Korean War, The Vietnam War, The Cuban Missile Crisis, The Space Race, Balboa vs Drago, and The Bay of Pigs But on this day the battle between the free west and communist east came to a head on the ice of Lake Placid, NY. Just like in the Nazi games of 1936, the 1980 Winter Olympics were a embodiment of the political rivals of the age. It was common knowledge in America that the communist athletes were trained to win medals from conception. The Soviet Union owned the sport of Olympic Ice Hockey, including a 10-3 victory over the U.S. in exhibition two weeks prior. However on this day the Reds would fall, like Ivan Drago, at the hands of Kurt Russell and the Americans. The resulting victory propels American national spirit to an all time high. In the coming years President Ronald Reagan would commission his friends in Hollywood to make educational films about the Soviet threat: Red Dawn, Footloose; and inspirational films designed to instruct American citizens on how to defeat the commies: Rocky IV, Dirty Dancing {The original promotional tag-line: "You don't put Lady Liberty in a corner" was dropped in pre-production}.
February 16, 2010- In each of the next rounds the team holding the hammer scores multiple points. The Americans dominate end 6, but Japan strikes back with three points in end 7 and are now up by one. Japan is the only fully funded curling team in the Winter Olympics. Does that mean they are forced to live in the dorms at the national training center like the communist Chinese figure skaters? We don't know for certain. {But if we had to speculate... yes} These far eastern curlers could be the last remnants of a sporting culture the free west thought it had defeated. American curlers curl because they enjoy the right to curl at their leisure. They are free to have family lives and willingly join the labor force to contribute to their nation's economic prosperity. They curl because they have a sense of duty to their country, not because they were drafted into advanced curling development centers due to the random draw of a government lottery.
June 25, 1945- Robert Shaw; shark hunter, Bond-villain, and captain of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, delivers an atomic bomb to the Tuskegee Airmen piloting the Memphis Belle. After the use of the nuclear weapon, the cities of Japan are besieged by overgrown mutants. Luckily two children are able to assist the government in creating a strategic defensive alliance with Godzilla and Gamera. The large reptiles provide assistance to humanity by fending off further threats by mutated insects and various rubbery creatures. After decades of constantly rebuilding their shattered communities the Japanese develop a plan to extract a peaceful revenge on America through the realm of business. Within a short time the auto and technology imports of Japan pose a serious economic threat to domestic American companies. {Mr. Shaw later retold his heroic deeds for the 1975 Steven Spielberg documentary "Jaws"}
National Heroes
February 16, 2010- McCormick must have extracted some inside information on the Japanese strategy because her side has sacrificed the hammer for only 1 point. Regardless, the United States has evened the score. This was a risky proposition with two ends left. The women of Japan could possibly force a scoreless 9th end, and then hold the hammer coming into the final frame. Unlike bowling's tenth frame, there are no extra balls in women's curling.
November 2, 2009- After United States National Highway Traffic Safety Administration investigations into the sudden acceleration of Toyota manufactured vehicles, the Japanese owned company issues recalls 3.8million floor mats. After discovering that floor mats are inanimate and therefore incapable of pressing gas pedals, the company begins an additional recall on braking systems three weeks later. Luckily for Toyota, media reports of deadly high speed accidents in their products are overshadowed by the indiscretions of a professional golfer who wrapped a General Motors SUV around a tree at 5 miles per hour.
February 16, 2010- For the pride of Japan, a former Empire whose royalty still commands the veneration of the U.S. President, Moe Meguro must defeat the American women with only 1 hammer, 8 rocks, and 3 brooms. In the 9th end Japan looks sure to take a 1 point lead and McCormick capitalizes with a strategy once used by NFL coach Mike Holmgren in Super Bowl XXXII. She lets Meguro's squad have the point and the lead, therefore giving America the hammer and a chance to win in the 10th end. However, McCormick wilts like Peyton Manning under the pressure. For all intents and purposes the American rock is picked off and returned for the Curling equivalent of a touchdown. After the political embarrassment of the Toyota fiasco, Japan is vindicated by direct Olympic domination of America. The U.S. government is forced to steal a distraction technique from their far eastern rivals and hide their shameful defeat in the back pages of newspapers by persuading a fallen professional golfer to hold a live press conference on national television.
February 16, 2010- The Winter Olympic games had sour beginnings due to the death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili prior to the opening ceremonies. There were further disturbances in the Vancouver and Whistler vicinities as demonstrators picketed against the destruction of the environment, the criminalization of the homeless, and the rising government debt incurred by hosting the games. Americans peeking over the boarder were awestruck by how the polar political opposite Canadian protesters managed to get along without hitting each other over the heads with their placards. Four days into the games, representatives of the U.S. and Japanese women's teams are set to do battle with the pride of two world powers at stake. Although curling is dissimilar to most American games, its tense matches can be reminiscent of the Ice Bowl, played on the frozen tundra of Lambeau field. The sport may in fact have been created by a drunk who'd been struggling to recreate the fun he'd enjoyed at a neighborhood pub the prior night. From the depths of his faded memories he was able to discern a long surface with a sliding puck similar to shuffleboard, a scoring target resembling a dart board, a dangerous slippery surface, and some brooms.
Summer 1936- The United States considered boycotting the Olympic Games in Berlin due to the recent uprising of Nazis in the German government. The prejudicial nature of that ilk was not something the free west wanted to taint their Olympic spirit. Not to mention the dangers of possible Nazi zombie outbreaks which had been rumored to have occurred in the surrounding communities. The United States justifies it's presence in the games by declaring publicly that the Olympics are not about politics. However, they subversively challenge Germany's Aryan superiority complex by tasking African-American super spy Jesse Owens with undermining the Nazi political structure. Owens uses his superhuman speed to instill doubt in the minds of his Aryan opponents and claims four gold medals. Despite his glorious effort saving democracy and mocking fascism, the American government is forced to disassociate itself from Owens in order to maintain its stance separating politics from the games. Owens has his amateur athletic status revoked and is never publicly thanked for his outstanding service by Presidents Roosevelt or Truman.
February16, 2010- U.S. Skipper Debbie McCormick knows there's a thin line between the highstakes world of curling and international espionage. She led America to a World Championship in 2003 and was a member of the 1998 and 2002 Olympic squads. There are substantial political overtones to this draw thanks to the recent Toyota recall, and the government understands the consequences of showing up second best to Japan in any event. Especially in a Canadian favorite like Curling. Any sign of weakness witnessed by the United States' neighbor to the north may undermine the positive strides made by NAFTA, Steve Nash, and The Arcade Fire towards improving Amero-Canuck relations. That fear is exactly the reason why McCormick, a natural born Canadian, was recruited by the C.I.A. to skipper the women's Olympic curling team in 2010. With her guidance and the hammer, America takes a 1 point lead after the 1st end.
December 7, 1941- The Empire of Japan, with the help of Michael Bay,attacks Pearl Harbor in an attempt to kill Ben Affleck. Tragically over 2,300 Americans are killed; none named Ben Affleck. This devastating moment launches the U.S. into the Pacific arena of World War II. The power of the mighty American military benefits the Allies, Hollywood, and the career of John Wayne. However, a further toll is taken 60 years later when 20 million Americans are forced, via subliminal Disney advertisements, to watch a 3 hour, historically inaccurate Michael Bay film {sic- redundant} about the incident... starring Ben Affleck.
February 16, 2010- Japanese skipper Moe Meguro appeared in her first Olympics at the age of 21. At 23 she led her team to Japan's finest curling showing, a 4th place finish in the 2008 World Championships. Now a feisty veteran of 25, she must rise to the occasion as her nation has fallen behind the Americans 3-0, after the hammerless U.S. squad steals 2 points in the 2nd end.
November 19, 2006- Japan's Nintendo Co. Ltd. releases the Wii as their seventh generation console to compete with Microsoft's XBOX 360. Thanks to a creative control scheme and a interesting appeal to children on snow days, the Wii promptly becomes the defining and best selling console of it's era. American owned Microsoft justifies its defeat by lowering prices and assuages their shareholders by declaring they're defeating their true Japanese competitor, Sony. In the meantime they spend millions developing a new control scheme for their console to rival the Wii. Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata spends his days shoveling American dollars into his pockets. {Before converting the dollars into something more stable like gold or shares of Apple stock}
February 16, 2010- The Japanese curling squad represents the ideals their country is known for. They are smaller and more efficient than the larger American models. But unlike their older American counterparts, the slimmer Japanese curlers have never posed for a semi-nude "Women of Curling" calendar shoot. Clearly the time has come to recognize the many qualities of Far Eastern curling. Using a cunning strategy, like their native corporation Nintendo, the Japanese wait for their American opponent to show its cards before unleashing a play that changes the game. Down 4-1 entering the 5th end, Japan hammer the Americans' granite and place 3 rocks within the circles. Match tied 4-4.
Wasn't joking about this
February 22, 1980- The Cold War that resulted from the remnants of World War II had many battles: The Korean War, The Vietnam War, The Cuban Missile Crisis, The Space Race, Balboa vs Drago, and The Bay of Pigs But on this day the battle between the free west and communist east came to a head on the ice of Lake Placid, NY. Just like in the Nazi games of 1936, the 1980 Winter Olympics were a embodiment of the political rivals of the age. It was common knowledge in America that the communist athletes were trained to win medals from conception. The Soviet Union owned the sport of Olympic Ice Hockey, including a 10-3 victory over the U.S. in exhibition two weeks prior. However on this day the Reds would fall, like Ivan Drago, at the hands of Kurt Russell and the Americans. The resulting victory propels American national spirit to an all time high. In the coming years President Ronald Reagan would commission his friends in Hollywood to make educational films about the Soviet threat: Red Dawn, Footloose; and inspirational films designed to instruct American citizens on how to defeat the commies: Rocky IV, Dirty Dancing {The original promotional tag-line: "You don't put Lady Liberty in a corner" was dropped in pre-production}.
February 16, 2010- In each of the next rounds the team holding the hammer scores multiple points. The Americans dominate end 6, but Japan strikes back with three points in end 7 and are now up by one. Japan is the only fully funded curling team in the Winter Olympics. Does that mean they are forced to live in the dorms at the national training center like the communist Chinese figure skaters? We don't know for certain. {But if we had to speculate... yes} These far eastern curlers could be the last remnants of a sporting culture the free west thought it had defeated. American curlers curl because they enjoy the right to curl at their leisure. They are free to have family lives and willingly join the labor force to contribute to their nation's economic prosperity. They curl because they have a sense of duty to their country, not because they were drafted into advanced curling development centers due to the random draw of a government lottery.
June 25, 1945- Robert Shaw; shark hunter, Bond-villain, and captain of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, delivers an atomic bomb to the Tuskegee Airmen piloting the Memphis Belle. After the use of the nuclear weapon, the cities of Japan are besieged by overgrown mutants. Luckily two children are able to assist the government in creating a strategic defensive alliance with Godzilla and Gamera. The large reptiles provide assistance to humanity by fending off further threats by mutated insects and various rubbery creatures. After decades of constantly rebuilding their shattered communities the Japanese develop a plan to extract a peaceful revenge on America through the realm of business. Within a short time the auto and technology imports of Japan pose a serious economic threat to domestic American companies. {Mr. Shaw later retold his heroic deeds for the 1975 Steven Spielberg documentary "Jaws"}
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February 16, 2010- McCormick must have extracted some inside information on the Japanese strategy because her side has sacrificed the hammer for only 1 point. Regardless, the United States has evened the score. This was a risky proposition with two ends left. The women of Japan could possibly force a scoreless 9th end, and then hold the hammer coming into the final frame. Unlike bowling's tenth frame, there are no extra balls in women's curling.
November 2, 2009- After United States National Highway Traffic Safety Administration investigations into the sudden acceleration of Toyota manufactured vehicles, the Japanese owned company issues recalls 3.8million floor mats. After discovering that floor mats are inanimate and therefore incapable of pressing gas pedals, the company begins an additional recall on braking systems three weeks later. Luckily for Toyota, media reports of deadly high speed accidents in their products are overshadowed by the indiscretions of a professional golfer who wrapped a General Motors SUV around a tree at 5 miles per hour.
February 16, 2010- For the pride of Japan, a former Empire whose royalty still commands the veneration of the U.S. President, Moe Meguro must defeat the American women with only 1 hammer, 8 rocks, and 3 brooms. In the 9th end Japan looks sure to take a 1 point lead and McCormick capitalizes with a strategy once used by NFL coach Mike Holmgren in Super Bowl XXXII. She lets Meguro's squad have the point and the lead, therefore giving America the hammer and a chance to win in the 10th end. However, McCormick wilts like Peyton Manning under the pressure. For all intents and purposes the American rock is picked off and returned for the Curling equivalent of a touchdown. After the political embarrassment of the Toyota fiasco, Japan is vindicated by direct Olympic domination of America. The U.S. government is forced to steal a distraction technique from their far eastern rivals and hide their shameful defeat in the back pages of newspapers by persuading a fallen professional golfer to hold a live press conference on national television.
Nintendo dominated the gaming market with the Wii because it was adored by children and their parents whereas the 360 and PS3 were for a more hardcore audience. Very informative article, thanks.
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