by W. H.

According to St. Louis sports talk radio there are two problems with the Rams:  Marc Bulger and Richie Incognito.  Clearly there could be no other explanations for the pathetic football inhabiting The Ed on Sundays.  Not the organization, nor the coaches, just those two. 

But even humoring the masses, what could the Rams do about these two problems?  Bulger has a huge contract and substantial cap number if they were to make a move to dispose of him.  Incognito would be expendable but who would want him, and what could you get for him?  Now, no trades can be completed until the off-season but here's a list of potential returns if the Rams were to auction off the oft-outspoken and penalized Incognito:

- Miami would take Incognito off St. Louis's hands in exchange for Ricky Williams's dugout.

- The Patriots have a healthy supply of game-used Bill Belichick hoodies.

- The Jets would turn down a request for some of Brett Favre's stubble but could be willing to part with one pair of Wrangler jeans.

- I'm sure there's a bloody glove joke in here somewhere but the Rams would rather exchange Richie with Buffalo for the couple found having sex in a Ralph Wilson Stadium bathroom. At least they could bring some excitement to the Ed this season.

- The Rams could use some of Jacksonville assistant coach Mike Tice's Super Bowl tickets.


"Seriously, they're in the trunk of your car?"

- If the NFL would approve it The Houston Texans will take Incognito in exchange for one season in the NFC West.

- The Colts offer is contingent on the Rams long term plans in St. Louis:  free Mayflower truck rentals.


There's really nothing funny about this

- The Titans, four words:  Warren Moon throwback jersey.

- Baltimore has found no use for Troy Smith's Heisman.

- Since the Bengals can't find the end zone this season they'll be happy to trade two of the red touchdown markers from the corners of the goal line.

- The Steelers have found something resembling the Rams at the bottom of Najeh Davenport's laundry basket.

- In a tough negotiation the Browns may be willing to give up Brady Quinn's sister's cell number.

- The Chiefs would take Incognito if the Rams were willing to pick up some of Larry Johnson's bar tabs.

- Al Davis feels that Incognito is a perfect fit for his team and will exchange his exclusive rights to Art Shell's soul.

- The Broncos are willing to surrender Jay Cutler's Vanderbilt diploma since he's not smart enough to realize that comparing himself to John Elway may not endear him to Denver fans.

- San Diego is looking for anything in return for Norv Turner's game plans.

- The Cowboys love problem cases like Richie so they're willing to deal their autographed box sets of “Newlyweds” and “The Nick and Jessica Variety Hour”.


The Cowboys favorite drinking game involves this

- If the Rams are in need of special medicine the Eagles could offer Andy Reid's son's pager number.

- The Giants would be happy to part with Plaxico Burress's pistol.


"I have no idea where Plaxico's gun is"

- Surprisingly enough the Redskins are in possession of the safety mechanism for Plaxico's firearm.

- Carolina has been kicking around an offer featuring a TopCats bathroom performance but they're worried that they'd be giving away too much in the deal.


This is way more valuable than Richie Incognito

- The Saints have their hands full with Jeremy Shockey but could part with the keys to Reggie Bush's mom's house or Deuce McAllister's dietitian.

- The Buccaneers are working on a package offer that includes the rights to Jake Plummer, a throwback Steve Spurrier jersey, and Chris Simms' spleen.

- The Falcons have a lot to offer but no need for Incognito since they've purged their locker room of malcontents.  As a show of sympathy for the Rams plight, Arthur Blank will send the Rams a care package including a case of Michael Vick's Valtrex, a free night with Eugene Robinson's bible study partner, and the keys to Andre Rison's house.


Michael Vick sure put this into perspective

- Since the Rams don't have a prayer, the Cardinals would happily spread the word and send over Kurt Warner's bible.

- Because Mike Singletary hates it and the Rams can't score without it, the 49ers would send back Mike Martz's play book.

- In order to bulk up their D-Line the Rams are considering the Seahawks offer for fifteen of Mike Holmgren's completed Subway Club cards.

- The Packers are putting together a deal that includes a free dinner at Brett Favre's Steakhouse and access to Mark Chmura's neighbor's hot tub.

- The Vikings are willing to part with Brad Childress's mustache.

- Since the Lions are familiar with the Rams' style of mediocrity, they're willing to swap Incognito for a suitcase full of brown paper grocery bags and Rudi Johnson's underwear.

- The Bears will trade Rex Grossman straight up. 

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